Genoa was relocating, and we had her cats for a few months. This is a short play about how that went.
Kitty Corner
By kryssi martin
23 May 2024
Sock,a tortoise shell cat,is cowering in a drawer. Cecil, a cream colored male cat is perched above her, staring her down. Easily staged with two levels using a barstool as CECIL’S perch and a pillow on stage as the “ drawer”. There is a heating pad farther SR on a “bed”.
SOCK is crouched in the drawer. CECIL stares for two beats, then without expression,reaches down and swats at her head. She hisses.
SOCK
Dude, you don’t live here. Get out.
CECIL
I can’t, they left me.
SOCK
I can see why; you’re rude.
CECIL
It’s not permanent, they are moving.
SOCK
Moving sounds permanent.
CECIL
They left me here to keep me safe and out of the way while they move.
SOCK
So they can live happily without you.
CECIL
So they can come back and fetch me once they’ve moved.
SOCK
What if they left you?
CECIL
Why would you say that?
SOCK
How do you think I got here, genius?
CECIL
Somebody left you here?
SOCK
No, they left me outside. They called me “feral” when I was found. After The Nice Family brought me here, I killed a lot of birds. A Lot. And bunnies. Beheaded them. I left them on the patio for the fox. We had an arrangement.
CECIL
(Cecil looks disgusted) I’ve never been left. They’ve been my owners since I can remember. (he licks his paws) I try to get out but they always catch me.
SOCK
Ya, I’ve seen that. You don’t run fast enough. Or far enough. You just toddle out a few feet and then roll over to be scratched. That’s not being outside and free.
CECIL
You live in a drawer, what do you know?
SOCK
I don’t live in this drawer, twat, this is my house I live in the whole house. Beat. You clearly do not really want to be free. You’re happy being catered to:Indoor Cat, cared for, Fresh Pet fed spoiled. Leaving would mean fending for yourself. You can’t do that.
CECIL
And you’re all bad ass in your drawer.You don’t know me.
SOCK
I lived my life. I had adventures.Sometimes I was hungry. Sometimes I had to beat up a raccoon. Once a car almost got me. I came here and they gave me shelter but let me be free and I got fed. I am grateful.
CECIL
You’re an old, sad coward in a drawer.
SOCK
There’s a whole house you can be roaming.
CECIL
I’m bored. I wanna talk to someone.
SOCK
You can’t be alone,either? Won’t go outside, won’t leave others alone, can’t be alone…
CECIL
My human doesn’t let me outside because they love me and want to keep me safe.
SOCK
Friend, your human is related to my human. Your human was raised with me. She lived with me- an indoor/outdoor cat.
CECIL
“They”.
SOCK
(Rolls her eyes)“They” know outside cats can thrive and love and rejoice, and indoor cats who were outdoor cats are quiet and happy. They’re ruining your life by limiting your experiences to indoors.
CECIL
They’re just careful and loving.
SOCK
They were given decapitated bunnies for many years because they cannot take care of themselves. They are incompetent and you are codependent.
CECIL
That’s rude and you are disgusting.
SOCK
That’s being a cat. Beat. Are you even grateful?
CECIL
For what?
SOCK
Your fancy fresh food, your owners who want to keep you safe while they move, who keep you inside -which has crippled your social skills…
CECIL
It’s their job to take care of me. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask them to choose me, so I expect to be cared for. I deserve it.
SOCK
You’re a jerk. At least I won’t always be in this drawer. Beat. “But you’ll always be a jerk….”
CECIL
I think I heard my owners read that off of a coffee cup.
SOCK
Meow.
CECIL
Drawer coward. Look, what are you talking about “grateful”? We’re cats. We only need humans to open our food. We are notoriously ungrateful.
SOCK
So it appears, yes. It’s a cultivated attitude. But we don’t mean it. Humans expect us to be haughty until we want to be pet or snuggled. We have an agreement,but we are grateful for them and they are grateful for us.
CECIL
Who cares? They feed me. I knock stuff over. Why do I need to understand anything?And why won’t you get out of that drawer?
SOCK
Every time I try to come out you swat at me.
CECIL
Well that’s not such tough “I killed birds” behavior.
SOCK
I’m a hundred years old, kid. I earned that spot on the bed. You’re interfering with my very comfortable elder years.
CECIL
I just want to talk to you. You keep hissing at me.
SOCK
‘Cause you keep swatting at me and trying to get in my drawer and you aren’t talking, you’re attacking.
CECIL
I don’t want in your drawers…sshisssssssmrf.
SOCK
Hilarious.
CECIL
It’s rude not to share.
SOCK
It’s my drawer. Bugger off.
CECIL
We share in our house.
SOCK
Well you’re not in your house, kid. You’ve been left here. Probably
forever. I bet you ‘ll never see them again.
CECIL
(Swats at Sock) Stop staying that.
SOCK
Stop swatting at me, ass hat (spits and hisses).
CECIL
I just want to know what’s so great about that drawer.
SOCK
It’s my drawer. She cleaned it out after I hid in here when you arrived. What’s great is that it’s
mine.
CECIL
Does it have a heater?
SOCK
No.
CECIL
Then why is it so great?
SOCK
Because it’s mine (she hisses and spits).
CECIL
That heating pad on the bed is nice. That yours too?
SOCK
Why are you like this? You know it’s mine. You’ve been blocking my path most of the day. I just want to cross to my heating pad from the drawer and you keep swatting at me.
CECIL
I’m playing, Boomer, don’t you know how to play?
SOCK
Did you not hear about the dead birds?That’s how I play.
CECIL
Look, lady, I’m bigger than you. I can kick your butt right out of there.
SOCK
Try it (she flexes her claws). I’ll send you to sleep with all those birds.
CECIL
Cecil jumps into the drawer. She slashes his nose and he jumps out
SOCK
Do not underestimate the elderly, son.
CECIL
Ow, that was rude.
SOCK
No, that was defensive. You’re trying to take my drawer.
CECIL
Shessh, just share. What’s the big deal?
SOCK
The big deal is that it’s my drawer.
CECIL
We share at our house.
SOCK
You already said that, imbecile.
CECIL
(swats at her) There is no need to call me names.
SOCK
We call each other names in our house.
CECIL
I like the spot on the bed, too. It’s warm, maybe I’ll go back over there.
SOCK
That’s my heating pad. They bought it for my old bones. You’ll get your stupid fur all over it.
CECIL
So get out of the drawer and go lay on the heating pad.
SOCK
Glares at him.
CECIL
All you have to do is get past me.
Sock slashes his nose and jumps out of the drawer headed for the bed. He chases her and she turns back to the drawer. He resumes his perch above.
CECIL
Wow. That was lame.
He walks to the bed and snuggles onto the heating pad.
So you want your heating pad and the drawer? Doesn’t that make you an
Overhoused Senior?
SOCK
Meow.
CECIL
I see why you like this,(he wiggles his butt into the heating pad make snuggle purrring sounds)
but it’s too hot for me.
(Hops down, saunters back to perch over the drawer. Sock seizes the opportunity to bolt to her heating pad. Cecil doesn't try to stop her, he wants the drawer.)
CECIL
I won.
SOCK
Sure, whatever you need to believe.
CECIL
Meow.
SOCK
Hiss.
CECIL
Try not to die on that heating pad.
SOCK
Try not to pee in the drawer.
SCENE
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