How Hamlet Should Have Ended
Hamlet is watching Claudius pray.
HAMLET
Now might I do it ⟨pat,⟩ now he is a-praying,
And now I’ll do ’t.
He draws his sword.
And so he goes to heaven,
And so am I ⟨revenged.⟩ That would be scanned:
A villain kills my father, and for that,
I, his sole son, do this same villain send
To heaven.
Why, this is ⟨hire⟩ and ⟨salary,⟩ not revenge.
He took my father grossly, full of bread,
With all his crimes broad blown, as flush as May;
And how his audit stands who knows save heaven.
But in our circumstance and course of thought
’Tis heavy with him. And am I then revenged
To take him in the purging of his soul,
When he is fit and seasoned for his passage?
No.
Up sword, and know thou a more horrid hent.
He sheathes his sword.⌝
Hamlet crosses to Claudius
CLAUDIUS
, ⌜rising⌝
My words fly up, my thoughts remain below;
Words without thoughts never to heaven go.
Surprised
Hamlet, my son.
HAMLET
And neither will your soul rise to heaven
You murderous incestuous canker.
(stabbing him in the chest)
That’s for my dad
(punching him in the eye)
Stop calling me “son”.
(kicks him in the crotch)
And that’s for my mom.
Die You Gravy Sucking Pig.
As he stabs Claudius freely and chants in Iambic pentameter:
Stabby stab stab McStabber STAB Stabb-ED.
Drops knife by the body.
They’ll never know who did it. It’s genius!
He was praying! DNA isn’t a thing!
Now to find fair Ophelia and save her.
EXIT HAMLET
END PLAY
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