How Hamlet Should Have Ended.

 How Hamlet Should Have Ended

Hamlet is watching Claudius pray.

        HAMLET

 

 Now might I do it ⟨pat,⟩ now he is a-praying,

 And now I’ll do ’t.

He draws his sword.

 And so he goes to heaven,

 And so am I ⟨revenged.⟩ That would be scanned:

 A villain kills my father, and for that,

 I, his sole son, do this same villain send

 To heaven.

 Why, this is ⟨hire⟩ and ⟨salary,⟩ not revenge.

 He took my father grossly, full of bread,

 With all his crimes broad blown, as flush as May;

 And how his audit stands who knows save heaven.

 But in our circumstance and course of thought

 ’Tis heavy with him. And am I then revenged

 To take him in the purging of his soul,

 When he is fit and seasoned for his passage?

 No.

 Up sword, and know thou a more horrid hent.

      He sheathes his sword.⌝

    Hamlet crosses to Claudius

    CLAUDIUS

, ⌜rising⌝ 

 My words fly up, my thoughts remain below;

 Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

Surprised

Hamlet, my son.

    HAMLET

And neither will your soul rise to heaven

You murderous incestuous canker.

(stabbing him in the chest)

That’s for my dad

(punching him in the eye)

Stop calling me “son”.

(kicks him in the crotch)

And that’s for my mom.

Die You Gravy Sucking Pig.

As he stabs Claudius freely and chants in Iambic pentameter:

Stabby stab stab McStabber STAB Stabb-ED.

Drops knife by the body.

They’ll never know who did it. It’s genius!

He was praying! DNA isn’t a thing!

Now to find fair Ophelia and save her.

EXIT HAMLET

END PLAY