The Tired Part One

 

   I am writing this down so I don't forget next year.

  Directing shows back to back is exhausting but can be done.

  Directing shows simultaneously is exhausting, and can be done, but not well.

  I can't believe how exhausted I am.

  I suppose I could have done this well at 30, maybe even 40. But I am having all of the "I am too old for this shit" feelings this week. Channeling Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon and understanding every syllable.

  Both shows opened last weekend. I've barely made any progress on the list of Things You Need To Do, kryssi. I can get up at 7 and get a few things done, then it's 90 degrees out, and the-n-dre are no longer deadlines or people expecting me to show up so I'm ...not.sxxxxxd hj''nb9.yu8888,j. And there's a kitten who keeps walking on my keyboard. His name is Pickles. He's very cute.

  I lookew2d back and created a time line for my brain.

 In August I returned to teaching theatre in person for the first time in two years. In a building I had not really been in since being hired two and a half years ago.

   I put up Rumors with a skeleton crew, and a kid who was incapable of learning his lines in October 2021. 

 = I mmmmmmmd09 90222222390 KITTEN I moved the musical to inside the school day, to combat after school issues with rehearsals. It did and did not work for a variety of reasons I sort of tracked, but didn'treeeeeeeeee KITTEN. It was the first fall show in the building since fall of 2019. I arrived in January of 2020.

  The Addams Family Musical made it across the finish line, with in school teasers. We did 30 minutes of songs from the show with intermittent narratives regarding the class itself, how to join, and how the torture wall worked. That was March. At the exact same time, beginning in February, I was also directing Legally Blonde at School of Mines. Which opened in April. Both were the first musicals for those venues in three years.

  Somewhere in there I applied for about 15 other teaching jobs, a few directing gigs, an Executive Director job and auditioned for a show. Ghosted by every one of them until Spark hired me in April to direct Emma, The Pop Musical in Boulder. Of course, that gig crossed with God of Carnage by three weeks. Literally crossed.

  So I had signed myself up to spend every day for three weeks in Boulder with a musical, and then drive to Aurora do direct adults at night. 

  On some level, keeping this busy kept my brain on track. I was not aware how on track until this week, when I have nothing to do, and I cannot remember what kind of phone I have.

   I took the musical for money. Not gonna lie. It's not exactly the two week children's theatre popups I did for several years at PAA. This one has middle and high schoolers, college kids and an adult. It was a nice change. Really nice company, beautiful space, good people. And I failed miserably. I was hired because I am a strong director, and I just couldn't muster it. After Mines, I realized I'm not great outside of high school. If it's not my company, I don't push people they way they need it. I don't dig in my heels with choreo and music they way I need to, demanding equal time for acting.

   This year took a toll on me that I'm still trying to assess.

   I feel like I have decided I don't want to be in charge any more. I can't revive a dead department in a building where there is no support. My numbers dropped so low that I'm barely full time. So something in my brain said "That's fine, go direct somewhere else where people WANT to be and there is support, it'll be better." But it wasn't. It wasn't better, because I am not in charge of everything.  UGH. Set designers and costumers and music directors and choreographers are all younger and enthusiastic and not always right, but because it wasn't my company, I shrugged and allowed a set design that I would never let fly in my building for safety purposes. That was Mines. Spark is great, safe, no concerns, and they communicate in a way that I love : Overly Communicative. But I couldn't manage the choreographer and didn't have the energy to dig in my heels, so I failed. And I have to live with that. It doesn't look like one of my shows. The moments are blown through, the characters are thin and the light designer told the actors to face out because I wasn't doing it. I didn't do my job. I feel like garbage, and it's causing ennui. Or a malaise. Some sort of disease that makes me forget where I'm going when I get in the car, and return to bed at 2 pm to watch 30 Rock reruns over and over and over and over and over....

   Here's a fun example of my frazzled brain. I had to make a phone call to unlock a Zelle transfer, and after an hour of trying to get through because it was Monday, I guess, and their phone system was too jammed for the call to go through, I finally got someone who then disappeared because either their phone system or my cell phone cut out. Another 30 minutes and I was able to get through, again, and then be transferred twice to someone who could help me. He asked what kind of phone the transfer was made on. I blanked. Phone? I'm talking to you on my phone, how can I tell you what kind of phone it is? It's the one I'm talking on, can't you see it?  I said "Not an Android....the other one?" He laughed and said "iPhone?" He then had to ask me the exact same question five times before he got the answer he needed. I just could not comprehend "How much money is in the account that you are using?"

   It wasn't even 11 am yet when I hug up, and I went back to bed, exhausted.

   Oh ya, in addition to everything, we've been working on a HELOC since April. Everything was supposed to be done, then JUST KIDDING here's another thing, then it was done and we closed and JUST KIDDING here's another thing, then everything is online which is going to go swimmingly for me, friends, based on my stellar history with everything electronic, ever. It was very similar to my adventure with the CDE. So tomorrow I have to call and ask if they intended to mail us checks for this account, because there is no way I can make this work entirely online. Because I'm 80 and lost without a checkbook. I can barely manage my debit card.

   To the six who read this, you also recall it took from April 21 to June 15 for me to get a second endorsement on my license, because they didn't have my fingerprints anymore from 20 years ago.

   Dude. This school year will be my 20th year. It turns out the year I subbed before teaching full time counts, so I'm at 20. And that means nothing in PERA other than you're stuck, suckah.  It's not enough years to retire, and too many to walk away and now I'm too old for anyone to want me for any other job. 

   But 20 years, two of which cover the pandemic, and the previous five consisted of being bullied by admin, feels like 40. I should be able to retire now, at full salary. 

     Scene.