24 June 2022
Let's be clear, I SIGNED UP to direct two shows simultaneously. So this is just a blast of fun for the whole family.
I was struggle bussing with one show or another, driving 45 minutes north west to Boulder to direct 10-4, then driving an hour south east to Aurora to direct 6-10 for three weeks running.
It sounded TOTALLY FINE when I signed on in April. "I Like Money", I kept saying. And I DESPERATELY wanted to direct adults, an opportunity that is rare in this cliqued up town. So I DID IT. Not well, in either case, but I did it. Carnage opened last night and Emma the Pop Musical opens tomorrow.
Here is a transcript of my lunacy last week as I discovered that I could babble an email to myself, via voice to text, while driving. No punctuation, as you have to say "Period" or "comma" and it's annoying.
Voice to text turns out to be this really cool stream of consciousness thing, the issue become I forget that I did it and then I can't go pipe (sic) it in my email. (* I have no idea why this happens in voice to text, but it does. The words are wrong and hilarious). So my thoughts, I want to write something about the learning curve for these shows is it because i'm old, I want to hit on everything I did wrong with Addams Family Legally Blonde Carnage and Emma and even all the way back to Rumors we don't talk about rumors (*I was singing to the tune of "we don't talk about bruno) but we should talk about rumors I think. I said something last night to the carnage cast it was weird I my brain is not a firing and i really wanted to start getting things in writing before i lose before I lose it I really think I'm starting to lose it and I know what I mean sometimes I used to be so eloquent and so passionate but now people just look at me with some sort of combination of horror and pity I said there's something wrong with casts now and it's not just high school because I sought at mines and i'm seeing it with carnage, and i supposed there's a possibility it's me not the casts right if one person says 10 people are assholes and 10 people say one person is an asshole then that one person is an asshole so it's possible it is me I cannot cut I can't connect with a cast, i can't connect to the show i can't connect to the story i feel like i do i do all the research on carnage i did so much text analysis understanding themes and the symbolism and helping the actors understand the text and then bringing in Bogart and Suzuki and Stanislavski and Meisner but they're not committing fully toit and connecting fully to it because it's not my theatre company and i've noticed that these last three shows that, if i'm not the boss of everything I'm just not invested. Like I'm literally coming up here to direct Emma and I have an I have straight up not done my job there's no question everybody knows it and that's not like me it's a musical so the choreographer and music director get more time that's how it works but working with the actors and getting them to be more connected and giving them i just do it i just i just didn't do it i didn't make time for it i didn't put it in the schedule i just Buckingham care. i didn't do the same thing with carnage I was very invested I thought with carnage what happened there was one of the actors just dug in her heels and cannot be taught anything new she's fine she's got a resume and I do not so she will not need my assistance or be vulnerable or authentic or honest so the story doesn't work that way because the other three are doing it they're vulnerable and doing their job so she's throwing the show out of whack for ego or fear or whatever and emerges as the winner of the playground feud which is wrong nobody wins that's what the playwright intended. and I am not fighting pushing her the way i would a student because i don't know her and it's not my company and i dont' want to break an adult then what do i do our understudy's kids are sick so that's not going to work out so i let her bully me i let her fucking bully me and that is not like me at all i am not like that i will break anyone in the way of telling the story the way it needs to be done what is wrong with me who am i why do i even do this nobody cares i'm not good at it i'm just willing to direct kids i'm convenient everyone else is younger and i have nothing left i know it i felt it on legally blonde
I have five voice texts like this. And they all echo the same themes: I suck at this when I'm not the boss, and I am not OK.
And while it's nothing more than a journal entry, useless navel gazing, I'm going to go ahead and hit "publish". Because maybe one of you six readers feels the same and need to know that we're all struggling. And maybe try journaling voice to text. I feel much better.
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