Open Adoption Holidays

  August 14, 2018, Harper Martin welcomed Fox Alan Hasbrouck into the world. His adoptive parents were down the hall, anxiously awaiting his entrance into their lives. After one... two? false labors, a lot of hospital time, some heavy drugs and a warning to the Hasbroucks that he would be arriving four weeks early...he arrived. Four weeks "early" at  36 weeks,7 pounds, 4 ounces. Doesn't sound like a preemie to me, nor did he look it.

   Even though it is an open adoption, no one on either side was allowed to share photos on social media. The official legal adoption day was set for 14 February, six months from his birth. Once it was all signed off on, social media would be allowed. Between here and there, however, both sides were welcome to share directly with friends and family. So we made sure we had a few photos, and of course the obligatory Halloween photo with me in my penguin costume.

  

And with Aunt Genoa.

Harper, Kelly and Scott set about their lives in an open adoption arrangement like none I have ever heard of. Harp was to be called "Harper Mom", and Fox will know her his entire life. She visits once a week. Harp was thanked profusely, and showered with Birth Mother Gifts that she keeps in a special place in her room. Photos are shared, as well as videos. Harp is welcome at their house at any time, but she always makes an appointment, calls ahead and doesn't want to "overstay" her welcome, which Kelly insists is impossible.

In November there was an adoption gathering of some kind that the Hasbroucks attended. In a series of surprising events that I don't understand, the Judge at the gathering called them in to discuss their "unique" open adoption. Apparently I'm not alone in thinking this is unprecedented. The Judge was so taken by their story, that the adoption was made final in that moment. No waiting until February, it was legal, now. Surprise!

The unfortunate part, of course, was that Harp was not at the gathering and felt left out. She had not intended to attend, as it was for the adoptive parents , but that did not lessen the impact. As sad as she was, she was also happy that everything was moving sooner than expected. But she was still understandably sad, and when Thanksgiving arrived and she could not see Fox due to his many adoring fans, she became sadder. But having pulled herself through the nastiest postpartum depression I have ever experienced, she learned tools to deal with overwhelming feelings. With psych tools, affirmations and meds she chose to solider through: she got drunk and put Easter eggs on the Christmas tree that we were decorating.

And that's how you do it.

We knew the schedule would be tight, so we did not try to see him over Christmas. Instead, Jim arranged for the Wyckoffs and the Martins to gather at a small restaurant in Lakewood on the 29th. For the first time in two years, we had everyone together. We also had the Hasbroucks, and a new blended family was created. Fox was danced around the table by Scott, held by his birth grandparents--two of whom were meeting him for the first time. He was showered with onesies, and the Hasbrouck family gifted us with framed photos of Fox. The evening was relaxed and comfortable.

         There was so much love at this table. Nobody felt rushed or pressured, we just ate and chatted and reconnected. Family is everything. I'm not sure I got that until just now. Whatever family means, it is everything. And now, ours has expanded and Fox is one lucky kid. He has twice the family love that most kids have. And we have Harper to thank for it. Harper who endured, Harper who graduated from Massage Therapy school while pregnant and started her career. Harper who beat postpartum and being ghosted by Fox's father. Harper who chose adoption because she knew it was what was right for her son.
       Thank you, Harp.