This One Time When I Was A Sub-La Porte HS

      Many years ago, in a city far, far away, called Houston, I was working on my degree and decided it'd be fun to substitute teach for extra money. My school schedule left me two days a week without classes, and I had tech in the afternoons. Why not? What could go wrong?
       I was 23 years old. I  was 5'7" and weighed 120 pounds and owned a single suit, purchased when I needed to start applying for jobs after we moved from Denver. I had no clothes due to the Thieving Bastards of Arlington, Tx, but that's another post.
       We lived in Seabrook, but Seabrook didn't have a school district that I could sub in. Or maybe their standards were too high, who knows. I can't be expected to remember everything. I do remember that Houston Independent School District had requirements I did not meet. Also teachers were being stabbed and bullied in HISD, so I got hired in La Porte, down the road, a district willing to hire a young college student to substitute teach. I had zero classroom experience as a teacher, but of course I had fifteen  years of classroom experience as a student in addition to years of babysitting and I was willing to do it. How hard could this be?
      My very first day subbing at the high school, I was befriended by an imposing woman named Letisha Jones*. Even in my stupid suit I was under dressed next to Letisha. She was awesome, she showed me my classroom, introduced me to admin as I walked through the halls looking up at the students. These kids were mostly giants and Letisha was at least six feet tall in her heels. They must put something in the water in La Porte. She shepherded me to my room, where the large blonde wood desk sat with the blackboard right behind it. I flashed to the movie Teachers and imagined I would be as cool as Nick Nolte. Letisha told me I would enjoy my day, they were mostly upper level Language Arts kids, and her room was right next door. She also indicated the phone on the wall, and told me to pick it up in an emergency and an administrator  would be right down. I would need to know about this phone later at the junior high, but that's another post.
        The day went smoothly through lunch. I was surprised at how nice all these kids were to a sub. I remembered giving the subs in high school a hard time: switching seats, pretending to be someone else, talking incessantly. My band friends would switch instruments on sub days. Choir kids tried sitting in the wrong sections, but that wasn't nearly as funny as the band kids. They always were more clever.
        I walked to the teachers' lounge during lunch. Somehow the giants seemed less threatening when they were in the classroom, out here in the hall I felt exposed without Letisha's arm around my shoulder. I started having a panic attack. I darted through the holes in the human sea and ran into the teacher's lounge, unwittingly slamming the door behind me. Then I leaned against it and looked up to find everyone staring at me. A Voice from the Teacher Clump said "Dear, this is the teachers' lounge. Are you lost?"
        Confused, I squinted through the smoke at the Coke machine and took a few steps toward it. As I did, an imposing arm placed itself around my shoulders. Letisha's booming voice emerged "This is Ms. Martin, she's our new Lang Arts sub. Also theatre, right Ms. Martin?" The clump of teachers' expressions changed and a few "Hi's" and "Welcome's" were mumbled as they returned to crying and smoking, which everyone knows is what you do in the teachers' lounge. Letisha bought me a Diet Dr. Pepper (I weighted 120 pounds for a reason)and despite her friendly smile, I bolted as fast as I could back to my classroom. The teachers' lounge was dark and smokey and...they thought I was a student! That's what happened! How funny! I don't even look like an adult.
         The class after lunch was going along, and I gave them their writing assignments. A young man in the up stage right corner of the room, dressed in a long black duster, black Chistian Slater hair falling in his face, lankily wore his desk as a costume piece and just stared at me. I asked if he needed anything, and he just whispered. The rest of the class silently watched the show. I asked him to repeat himself, I couldn't hear him, and he said, loud and clear "Sex".
           "I can't help you with that, sorry."
           The class burst into laughter.
           Christian Slater Wannabe did not.
           The rest of the period, he lounged in his up right spot and whispered "sex" under his breath. By about ten minutes into class, we became bored and just ignored him. This did not effect his determination, he continued to whisper "sex" at specifically timed intervals until the bell rang.
            At the end of the day, Letisha came by to ask me how it went. I told her about Christian Slater and she shook her head. "Oh, Jake," she said and chuckled as she whispered "sex".
            "I didn't know what I was supposed to do."
            "Well, other subs--when he bothers to show up---have just picked up that phone and had him taken to the office. You may be the only one to just ignore him."
             "Is he in one of your classes?"
            "Not this year, I had him last year. I just ignored him. All admin does is make him sit in the office. At least if he's in class he may accidentally learn something."

            After I subbed in La Porte, finished college, started a theatre company, had children and became a teacher, I found myself adhering to Letisha's advice when it came to these types of kids. And to this day, unless they are somehow dangerous or truly unruly, I just ignore it and keep going.
            Maybe they'll learn something by accident.



*Not her real name, but close.
non fiction
kryssi
19 June 2017