Characters: TEACHER
KEVIN (junior)
CAMILA (soph)
TATUM (soph,POC and wearing a school football jersey)
AUTUMN (soph, male identifying female)
ROBERTO-wears an N95 mask, gloves and goggles
FEMALE VOICE ON ANNOUNCEMENTS
MALE VOICE ON ANNOUNCEMENTS
ADMIN
A high school classroom. It is empty. The clock on the wall reads 7 am. There is a calendar or the date written on a white board: WEDS 16 APRIL 2023
ROBERTO enters wearing both an N95 mask and paper mask, swim goggles and gloves. He walks to his seat and sits quietly, hands folded on the table in front of him. Beat.
Four other students enter one by one and take their seats. They are in varying degrees of different weather clothing, so the time of year is not easily defined: shorts, long puffy coat, fall colors, etc. Race is variable but should be mixed (ideally as above), as are genders. They represent all kids, every day, all of the time.
The Bell rings.
MALE VOICE announcement, intercom clicks on:
Students, that is the first warning bell. Today’s special schedule includes the PSAT for sophomores,MAP testing for freshmen and a mandatory senior graduation meeting. Please get into your class year google classroom for the specific schedule assignments. Intercom clicks off.
FEMALE VOICE announcement-intercom clicks back on :
Students, that was the second warning bell. BELL CUTS HER OFF. Reminder to check the West Commons for postings of your classroom location, or the East Commons for your assignments. Special Ed is meeting in the choir room. Juniors, you do not have any reason to be here today so you should not be here. Thank you.
TEACHER
Enters wearing a hat and looks at the five students. Good morning—wait. What’re ya doing guys? It’s PSAT. You’re supposed to be in your PSAT rooms. No classes today. Removes hat.
TATUM
You’re here.
TEACHER
Thank you Captain Obvious.
ROBERTO
It’s her job. She has to be here. She’s contracted.
TEACHER
Roberto, it’s 85 degrees out and 2023, you can take it off, dude.
ROBERTO
It’s hot in here.
TEACHER
Take it off, I promise the temperature will drop.How do you breathe?
TATUM
Don’t yell at him just because you have to be here.
CAMiLA
That’s racist.
TEACHER
You do not have to be here unless you are testing, and if you are testing you are in the wrong room. My classroom is not a testing room. So. Your turn: Why are you here?
AUTUMN
My dad dropped me off. We don’t have school today? I didn’t get an email. We don’t have to be here?
CAMILA
No, she has to be here she’s the teacher. She has to be here.
ROBERTO
We’re here for testing, there are no classes.
TEACHER
You do not have to be here, that is my point. There was a robo text, a post on your sophomore class google classroom, two robo calls, an email, a letter mailed to your home address, information posted on the website and on daily announcements, posters in the halls, classroom assignments posted in the east and west commons and cafeteria, and the sign out front says PSAT TESTING NO CLASSES TODAY. If you are not testing, you do not have to be here. If you are testing, you need to go find your room.
FEMALE VOICE
Intercom clicks on.
Reminder, football practice for all grades is today from 9 am until 11 am on the field. All students playing football should attend practice.
AUTUMN
Don’t you have an assigned room. Don’t you have to Prostate or something?
TEACHER
Not today, I am a backup PROCTOR tomorrow. Today I’m planning. Go home. Places hat on head.
MALE VOICE
Intercom clicks off, then on.
Students, regardless of your team status with football, all sophomores should be in PSAT testing, freshmen should be in MAP testing and seniors are in their senior meeting beginning at eight am. If you are a junior and can hear this announcement, you should go home unless you are on the football team, which meets at 9 am on the field.
CAMILA
My mom dropped me off. We didn’t know it was testing today. You guys are the worst at communicating.
TEACHER
Google classroom, emails, robo calls, robo texts, and the flashing neon sign on the front of the building. It’s not that admin did not communicate, it’s that you do not read.
FEMALE VOICE
Intercom. Click.
Football practice is at 8 am on the field for juniors only.
CAMILA
That’s racist. I’m telling my counselor you’re racist.
MALE VOICE
Intercom. Click.
Juniors, you should not be in the building. Unless you are a football player, then you should be on the field. But not until 9 am. It is now seven fifteen am. So leave and come back.
TEACHER
Cool. Go. Go to counseling now. The counselors are in testing, but the secretary is there. You can talk to her. She’s nice.
TATUM
My counselor won’t see me unless I send an email first. Let me send an email and see if she can see me.
TEACHER
She can’t, she’s in testing. Counselors run testing. Removes hat.
TATUM
Ya now, but she can answer my email and see me tomorrow. Racist.
TEACHER
She can’t answer you, she’s in testing. She’s proctoring a test. She does not have her laptop.
CAMILA
She can answer an email from her phone.
The bell rings twice.
FEMALE VOICE
We are adjusting the special schedule bell schedule, ignore the bells. Thank you.
TEACHER
Oh my dear God….looks at a list on her laptop. Roberto, you’re supposed to be upstairs. You have five minutes to get to your PSAT. You signed up. Roberto stands silently but does not exit. You–she points to AUTUMN- upstairs, 2010, lang arts room, go. You signed up. Go take the test. Places hat on head. AUTUMN exits.
FEMALE VOICE
The yellow zone is for loading and unloading only…
TATUM
My dad says it’s racist. I don’t have to take it.
TEACHER
It’s good practice for next year when you take the SAT. Looks at list and you signed up, Camila, go. Places hat on desk. Stares at it.
CAMILA
Why would I take the SAT? I do not remember signing up.
ROBERTO removes a carrot from his backpack.
KEVIN
Is that a turnip?
ROBERTO
Yes.
TEACHER
To go to college. You take the practice test so you can succeed at the real test and go to college. Roberto—go. Roberto exits slowly.
KEVIN
So I can go to college like you and work in a looney bin?
CAMILA
I’m going to college for art, I don’t need the SAT. Besides, it’s racist. Also I didn’t ask for your help.
TEACHER
Racist against whom?
ALL STUDENTS
Me.
TEACHER
How?
CAMILA
I’m an Islander. The literature they use is by white guys.
The fire alarm lights go off and an automated voice begins:
AUTOMATED VOICE
There is a fire detected in the building. Please exit the building calmly. There is a fire—-it is abruptly shut off. Beat. There is another bell.
FEMALE VOICE
Intercom clicks.
The new fire alarms are being tested please excuse—a bell cuts her off.
MALE VOICE
The intercom does not click.
Juniors, if you are in the building and can hear my voice, you are wrong. Go home.
Intercom click.
TEACHER
How do you know the test is racist if you’ve never taken it?
AUTUMN re entering.
My uncle told me.
TEACHER
Ok. So go upstairs and check in please. I’ll get in trouble if you stay here. CAMILA exits.
AUTUMN
No you won’t, nobody cares. Nobody knows I’m here. My people are invisible.
TEACHER
Go.
AUTUMN
Sheesh ya don’t gotta be mean about it. Picks up backpack in a huff and puts phone to their ear Ya, there’s no class, can you come pick me up? It’s the blue zone, pick me up in the blue zone.
FEMALE VOICE
The blue zone is for unloading only. Loading is in the yellow zone.
TEACHER
I don’t see the rest of you listed. Guys, I have to work. You can’t be in the building if you aren’t testing.. Please call your mom or drive home or fly or walk or skip or beam up. You Can’t Stay Here. Looks at Kevin. Kevin, you’re a junior. You’re killing me, Smalls, go home.
KEVIN
My name is not Smalls, Miss, why are you always saying that to me? Do you not know my name? Kevin exits.
ADMIN
Enters the room with a box and a chair.
What are you doing?
TEACHER
Playing tiddlywinks over a manhole cover.
ADMIN
You’re supposed to be backup proctoring.
TEACHER
Fireman. Coconut.
ADMIN
You’re supposed to be backup proctoring.
TEACHER
No, that’s tomorrow. The spreadsheet you sent yesterday states Thursday, 17 April Thursday. Holds up the laptop. Today is Wednesday, 16 April. Wednesday I am planning. Thursday, I am backup proctor.
ADMIN
We changed it yesterday at 3.30 pm. It was in the email I sent this morning embedded in the slide deck from the last faculty meeting, it was changed. It’s embedded in the slide deck, right there in the email. You people don’t read, you’re supposed to be backup right now, right now…
TEACHER
I’m sure Roger will be fine until I get there, he’s done this 25 times. I’m not really needed until he has to pee.
ADMIN
Roger is in 1111, you’re not with Roger you’re with Rogers.
TEACHER looks at spreadsheet on laptop.
Roger Danvers 1111. She shows him the spreadsheet. Who is Rogers?
ADMIN
One of the new math teachers. Daniel Rogers 1211.
TEACHER
But is says “ Danvers, Roger 1111”.
ADMIN
That’s the first draft from two weeks ago before we hired Rogers.
TEACHER
Regardless, today is Wednesday and I’m listed on the spreadsheet for Thursday.
ADMIN
That’s the spreadsheet from yesterday at 9 am, it was updated at 3.30pm. You are backup proctoring today.
TEACHER
Okay, okay, I’ll go down and check on him.
ADMIN
You are to be stationed outside of his room. You can bring your work but you can’t leave.
TEACHER
Since when? I’ve been backup proctoring these things for 20 years; I check in every hour,they go for a walk, stretch, return, we’re good. Later, rinse, repeat. See the definition of “backup” in the SAT proctor guide.
ADMIN
The plan since last year, which nobody noted, is embedded in the email embedded in the faculty slide deck dated 2/05/2022 that-this year, 2023, it is now 2023- we were changing to this new model. You must sit outside his room. She rolls her eyes. Just because things were the way they were doesn’t mean they were done correctly. We changed it.
FEMALE VOICE
Intercom clicks on, then off, then on.
Students, sorry for the interruption. You should be in your posted classes for the PSAT, MAP testing or senior meeting. Special Ed is in the auditorium. Freshmen assignments are posted in the West Commons, Sophomores are posted in the East commons. Seniors, you are in the auditorium, Intercom loudly Clicks off…clicks back on. Wait. Seniors are in the auditorium, Special Ed are in the cafeteria. Juniors, go home, there is nothing for you here .
TEACHER
Why?
MALE VOICE
Intercom click click click click
Football players, you should be in your testing rooms or at the senior meeting, unless you are a junior. In which case you can’t hear me because you should not be here.intercom snaps off louder than before.
ADMIN
In case he needs backup. That is why you are backup.
TEACHER
What kind of backup can I provide by sitting outside the entire time that cannot be requested when I stop in every hour, as I have for twenty years.
FEMALE VOICE
Carl, if you’re in the building please see J in the auditorium.
ADMIN
Are you going or am I explaining my extensive email?
TEACHER
This makes no sense at all. What am I stationed as backup outside the room for? There are counselors floating in every hall, math teachers with calculators and security escorting kids who are wandering. Why do I need to sit there for three hours?
ADMIN
Because we decided it’s best for security.
MALE VOICE
Security and campus monitors, please remember to pick up your walkie talkie in the front office. Carl, I’m talking to you, where are you? We need you in the 1100’s, we have free range juniors and lost seniors. Please see J in the counseling office, or come by the main office to get your walkie talkie. Juniors, why are you here, please go home.
TEACHER
Excuse me? Do I get a bulletproof vest or something? Whaddya mean “security”. For whom?
KEVIN
Walks back into the room, sits down backpack
I’m waiting for my ride.
ADMIN
You, as department chair, are expected to have read the email thoroughly.
TEACHER
The one you sent yesterday after school. That email.
KEVIN
Stands up and leaves the room, leaving his backpack behind.
ADMIN
It is your job to stay connected and to communicate to your colleagues. He exits with his chair and box.
TEACHER
Yelling after him. GIve me a minute to go tell them to locate the embedded embedded updated resent email in the slide deck, yesterday is irrelevant, the past has been erased and the moment is absurd. So. I will walk to my colleagues and relay the new information. Turns back into the room. And then we’re leaving. Is there a bar open?
As she exits, Roberto returns to the classroom wordlessly. She just looks at him and shrugs.
ROBERTO
They said I have two minutes before the test starts. So I’m going to sit here for two minutes. It’s hot in there.
TEACHER
Take if off Roberto, the temperature will drop. I promise.
Roberto takes off his watch, sets a timer for two minutes, and sits with his hands crossed on the table in front of him. Teacher exits. The intercom clicks, nobody speaks. The bell rings.
SCENE
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