Characters
Isaiah -22,clearly holding it together with everything he has, he looks stressed.
Jamie-22 she primarily looks tired.
Marie(new arrival in a wheelchair)- 20
Mike-30's lost his wife a year ago. Has a semi permanent bed here. The most reasonable sounding and looking of the bunch.
Stacy- 28 permanent resident. If she were in the world instead of inside, she would seem stoned. Slow reaction time, vaguelysmiling.
Megan-45 BPD, wound up like a top, coiled like a snake, always ready to attack.
Steve- the nurse, any age or gender, nearby, kind and patient, watching until the end.
The TIk Tok they refer to is one in which two people are on opposite sides of a hospital room with the curtains drawn. The one with their phone says “Do you know the muffin man?” and a voice from the other side of the screen screams in a high pitch “the Muffin Man?” and the recorder repeats in a higher, more hysterical voice "THE MUFFIN MAN! The Tik Tok appears to be a recovery room, and most psych wards will not allow phones. The idea that it was Jamie and Isaiah in the psych ward is pure fiction, and not likely based on hospital rules. It’s just fun to imagine.
The common room of Porter Hospital's Behavioral Health wing. There is a desk nearby with a nurse on duty, Steve. SL are three phones with small chairs, and the general room where the actors are seated has three round tables.
Isaiah and Jamie are seated at the center table, clearly in conversation for a time. Stacy walks a pattern, occasionally sitting down and listening. She has a pleasant look on her face and a slight smile. When she speaks, it is quietly and with kindness. She is clearly so medicated she is barely able to function.
ISAIAH
Did you see our Tik Tok? It’s viral.
JAMIE
I don’t think anybody knows it was in a mental hospital. They wouldn’t think it was so funny if they did.
ISAIAH
But we know, ‘cause it was us. In a high pitched voice THe MUFFIN MAN!
JAMIE
The Muffin Man?
ISAIAH
THE MUFFIN MAN!!!!
They both laugh.
JAMIE
Did you end up back there again?
ISAIAH
No, no are you crazy? That place was a prison. I told my psych I’ll come here or Denver, but not Aurora. Not Going Back There.
MIKE
We don’t say “crazy”. You know that.
JAMIE
Will your insurance cover one of those other places out south? They look like resorts.
ISAIAH
Nope. My insurance is still stupid. I still have it from Minnesota. Has to be a regular hospital like this. Can’t be a rehab or a private one. But I’m with you, those places look sweet. Like a rehab instead of a psych ward.
JAMIE
I like it here. Everybody’s nice. And I get my meds.
A young woman in a wheelchair rolls up to the table next to them. They watch her adjust for a moment, and then get up and move to her.
ISAIAH
Hey. I saw you come in. You didn’t have the wheelchair.
MARIE
Ya. I pass out.
JAMIE
You passed out? When you got here?
MARIE
Yes, and I pass out, it’s a thing. I passed out when I got here, and they found out that I pass out, so I can’t be out of the chair.
MIKE
You "pass out" and you "passed out"? You're a passer-outer?
ISAIAH
They made us leave in the chairs from Aurora, I have no idea what that was about. We didn’t pass out. Here I just walk out. Whenever I’m ready. I’m Isaiah.
MARIE
Marie.
JAMIE
Jamie.
MIKE
Ludwig.
ISAIAH
I am on my second grippy sock vacation so far this year.
JAMIE
No, third.
ISAIAH
Second. The first time was not voluntary, so it wasn’t a vacation. He stops abruptly, Jamie watches him control his face.
MARIE
I came out here for group. Is this group?
MIKE
We do say group. “Group” is not offensive. Hi, I’m Mike. Not Ludwig.
ISAIAH
In ten minutes. It’s group, then art therapy, then quiet time which is also visiting hours. Then dinner. So If you have a visitor, they’ll meet you out here. It's a very comforting schedule.
MIKE
Group is that room over there, behind the nurses' station.
Megan enters. Mike, Isaiah and Jamie watch her and all talking ceases. She sits down at the next table, across from Marie. Mike is behind her, so he can see Marie’s face and Megan cannot see him.
MIKE
(continuing as he watches Megan)
I’m Mike. They keep a bed here for me when I need to adjust. My wife was killed in a car accident a year ago.
ISAIAH
Mike and I go way back…
MIKE
Pre Covid. I was here before my wife died, too. I’m schizophrenic. Reaches out to shake Maria's hand. I’m not crazy or insane, just schizophrenic. Doing a decent Billy Crystal impression from Princess Bride. Which is mostly insane. It’s still a little bit sane. If I was all the way insane, there’d only be one thing left to do…
ISAIAH
Go through his pockets and look for loose drugs.
Mike and Isaiah do a rim shot.
STACY
I get it. I get it every time you say it. You say it a lot.
ISAIAH
Thanks Stacy. I moved to Wyoming during Covid----He cuts off.
JAMIE
Because there are no psych wards in Wyoming…
ISAIAH
Yes, there are. He goes silent, doesn’t want to elaborate.
MEGAN
To Marie. They brought me in in a wheelchair too. I collapsed when I got here. My ex husband beat me. Mike shakes his head “no” at Marie and puts his finger to his lips to suggest she stay quiet. To Marie. I’m bipolar. What’s your deal? Marie is quiet, torn between Mike's “shhhh” and Megan’s relentless stare. You look like my sister. She’s the reason I’m here. She called the cops on me just because I came to her house.If you have a sister I bet she’s not like mine. You look nice. Megan gets up and wanders off.
MIKE
Sorry, she’s been here two weeks. Her psych won’t release her.
JAMIE
Because she’s BDP and won’t go to therapy.
MARIE
Isn’t BPD bipolar? Can’t she be on meds?
STACY
Passing through again. Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s a Behavior. Behaviors can’t be medicated. Shouldn't be medicated. Lucky. Wanders off.
ISAIAH
That’s Stacy, she never leaves for long. Poor thing, they keep messing with her meds. Last time they let her out and she got a job at a dog grooming place. She fell asleep on the table with a dog.
MIKE
DBT Therapy is intense. And you have to go.
MEGAN
Stop talking about me, I went to therapy. I went. To Marie. I didn’t go one time and they called the police on me.
ISAIAH
Because that’s the agreement, you know that Megan. They take therapy seriously. He pauses. Not like some states, it's really good here.
MIKE
My wife was bipolar. I had a friend with BDP, he was 30. I thought it was a teenage girl’s disorder, but it turns out…it’s not. They’re very different. I think everybody has BPD, honestly. I see a lot of it in here. Everyone’s selfish.
JAMIE
In here? I see it a lot out there.
MEGAN
I am not selfish. Do you people just sit around and talk about me all day?
JAMIE
BPD is not just selfish, it’s not about being selfish.
MIKE
Ya, it is. At its core. It’s like O.D.D.
MEGAN
I'm not the selfish one. Talk to my alcoholic sister. She's selfish.
JAMIE
No, it’s not. O.D.D. is completely different.
MIKE
I beg to differ, O.D.D. is BPD on steroids with a bipolar chaser.
ISAIAH
We never agree on this, why do you argue, Mike?
MIKE
Because behaviors are different than mental health and it annoys me that nobody cares.
ISAIAH
I get it. At least you live in a state that cares. Wyoming was not----he cuts himself off. He has never talked about what happened, even with Jamie. At least here there is a conversation about both, an acknowledgment that they are real and exist.
JAMIE
We do agree that Trump has at least BPD, possibly ODD.
MARIE
Sorry… O.D.D.—
JAMIE
Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
MARIE
No, I know. I know that one. My sister has it. She’s 13.
ISAIAH
I wonder if it shows up in older people, like BPD. Like if you’re 30 and have ODD…
MIKE
You’re in jail I assume. Right? If you never got over it? he stops to clarify his thoughts. If you have O.D.D. and you are thirty, and you've robbed a liquor store and been homeless because you refuse to obey any of society's rules...you're in jail.
MARIE
That’s terrible. It can be treated. My sister is in therapy. I want her to get better.
MEGAN
Returning, plops down in the same chair. I voted for Trump. Then he broke into my house and raped me. Gets up, walks off.
MARIE
So, my parents are coming during visiting hours. Her statement to Isaiah is subtextually addressing Megan, and the look on her face is asking if Megan will be in the common room when her parents arrive. They’re bringing me clothes.
ISAIAH
You’re so lucky to have parents that care. He smiles at her. She's in and out, usually out when there are visitors.
JAMIE
Your mom visits every time.
ISAIAH
It’s true, her mom and my mom are friends now. to Jamie I meant Megan. to Marie Our moms met when we were in Aurora together.
ISAIAH and JAMIE
DO You know the MUFFIN MAN?They collapse laughing
JAMIE
To Marie. If you can manage to, stay outta there.
ISAIAH
If it’s a hold from an ER, they send you to where there’s a bed. So the first time a lot of people end up there. But then you know. And when you know…you know.
JAMIE
My roommate there tried to strangle me.
ISAIAH
It’s like a prison. I had to go on a grippy sock vacation after being in that alleged "psych ward" just to deal with the trauma of the place. It’s horrible.
JAMIE
This place is great. This is what they all should be like.
MIKE
No Nurse Ratchet’s here.
JAMIE
Nobody's tried to strangle me.
ISAIAH
We get Nurse Steve.
ISAIAH,MIKE,JAMIE
STEEEEEEEEEVE.
MIKE
He’s the best.
MEGAN
When is group? I came out of my room for group. I have things to say.
MIKE
Five minutes, Megan.
STACY
Thank you five.
ISAIAH
Stacy was in theatre in high school. She does that every time, even if she’s not in the common room. She’ll do it from her room. Kinda funny. Steve video taped it once for TIk Tok. Against the rules, but we didn’t tell. We love Steve.
JAMIE
You didn’t tell me how you ended up back inside.
ISAIAH
I can’t ever sleep. Jamie nods. I'm schitzophrenic. They can't get my meds right. Pick a reason.
MARIE
So, you guys are not like, crazy crazy. Just mentally ill?
JAMIE
I’m crazy as a rat. I have bipolar, anxiety and depression, as well as BPD. I got the BPD under control, but I can’t hold a job, I get overwhelmed.
ISAIAH
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were doing great. To Marie. She was working in a high school.
JAMIE
Until the shooting.
MARIE
Oh my God, me too. I mean, not working, but my school had a shooting. My anxiety spiked. I started passing out again, too.
JAMIE
In my professional opinion, anyone still working in a high school after a shooting is crazy.
MIKE
Don’t say “crazy”...
JAMIE
In this instance I am correct. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results: crazy.
ISAIAH
Suggesting that everyone just "return to normal" after a shooting without any real mental health support: crazy.
MIKE
Post Covid-"Go back to your lives, return to normal": Crazy. There is no normal any more. It's all crazy.
Megan finds her way to what would be the center of the group. ISAIAH, MIKE and JAMIE all move to give her room. This is her usual pre-group monologue.
MEGAN
My sister is a lying alcoholic. She is a raging, lying alcoholic. She is the reason I am here. If she were not a lush, I’d be home. But she cannot stand that my boyfriend is better than her ex husband, so she called the police on me. I didn’t do anything except go to her house. Our parents are dead, she is all I have and she hates me. I called the police on her when she was drunk and got her help, she has never thanked me. I am not the crazy one. I went to her house is all. I went Friday and again on Saturday because she wouldn’t open the door. If you aren’t going open the door then you give me no choice but to break a window. Normal people answer their phone when their sister calls. Normal people open the front door when their sister knocks. She hides like it’s a zombie apocalypse. I just want to explain why there is no police report on my ex husband. He broke in and beat me and I told her and she went to the police station to look for a report. But she says there isn’t one, so she’s calling me a liar and a manipulator and I just want to talk to her. So I called her ex husband and told him she was drinking again because she won’t answer my calls. Or the door. And I’ve always hated that stupid gnome statue, anyway, and he went right through the front window like a rocket. Flying gnome! It was awesome! Gnome and glass everyone. I guess it hit her dog on the head, but he’s fine, he didn’t die or anything, that’s not my fault, it’s not my fault the dog was under the window. It’s not my fault she won’t believe me even if there isn’t a police report about my ex husband attacking me, that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. She’s losing it and STEVE has appeared behind her. Isaiah and Jamie are watching him instead of Megan. The dog is fine, he has a bump on the head there was no reason to call the police on me. No reason. Maybe she should have replaced that window with non breakable glass after the last time, maybe that’s on her, not me. I mean c’mon, use your head. I broke the window last time with a different gnome, any reasonable person would have removed the remaining gnomes and replaced the window with non breakable glass. It's so simple, why is everyone an idiot---
STEVE
Hey, Megan, it’s time for group. I’ll walk you over.
MEGAN
Hi Steve. Is it time? I really don’t have anything to say, do I have to go?
STEVE
Yes, you do Megan. You know you do. You can just sit there. It’s fine. He holds out his arm, and she takes it not unlike Blanche DuBois. They exit. Steve waves the others to follow with his free hand. C’mon friends, let’s go to group. Slowly they all exit. Mike pushes Marie’s wheel chair, Jamie and Isaiah walk side by side, Stacy takes up the rear alone.
STACY
Thank you Steve. Places! She begins to "check" her non existent pockets, like Peter Falk at the end of The Princess Bride. Okay. Allright. Okay. OK. Oooookay...she follows them off.
END PLAY
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