23 Feb 2021 Top Questions Asked By Those Eyeing a Move To My State And My Personal Responses Which I Intend to Be Funny And If They Are Not Then You Aren't Reading Them Right.
Casa Bonita -We dunno. It is like it's always been there, and every native Coloradan worked there in their youth. They may be closed forever now. Wouldn't matter to us, just one less place we have to take visitors. We think it's closed forever. Don't move here.
How Bad Is Traffic?Know how bad it is where you live now? It's 17,0000 times worse here and 100 degrees and on fire in the summer, and solid sheeets of ice in the winter. Don't move here. Danger.
We hear the skiing is world class. We can't get up there, I70 is a shit show on the weekends. The natives have invented an eighth day of the week, called "Blursday" and nobody but us knows where it is located in the week. Skiing is best on Blursday, there is no traffic. Don't move here.
Where is Aurora?East of Denver. You 're welcome to move there. Go ahead.
You Guys Have A Ton Of Brew Pubs. Now they have to serve food to stay open, and people bring their children, and the ones who pivoted and switched to making hand sanitizer are now in trouble with the FDA for helping out their fellow man. Also people bring their dogs as well as their children. Allergens everywhere. Very dangerous. Don't move here.
Cars and Dogs. State law dictates you must be kind to animals. We import them from other states like Kansas because we will adopt them. However, not all Coloradans have a Subaru and a Labrador Retriever. Some have a Jeep and a Husky. Some have cats and a Volvo. It's furry and crowded and everybody eats granola. Allergens everywhere. Danger. Don't move here.
Excellent Health Care- We're a state, not a country. It's the same shitty health care here. Don't move here.
World Renown Hiking. Not really any more. The trails have been trashed by incoming Ass Gnomes, and many are closed. If they are open, you have to park three miles down the canyon and hike uphill to the trail. The trail back to your car is also uphill. Also everythig is always on fire. Danger.Don't move here.
Do You Have A Gay Governor? Yes. The state unform is a pink tube top, roller skates and Bonnie Bell Lip Smacker. Private Party. Don't move here.
Isn't It Cultural Appropriaton For You To Call Yourself A "Native"? Probably. Don't move here.
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