Written with love and respect for those who created the movie DODGEBALL and the lovely commentators, Pepper and Cotton, as well as Best In Show, and Fred Willard...I guess that makes this fan fiction...
COTTON Welcome to Dodgeball 2021, I'm Cotton McKnight and this is my co-commentator Pepper Brooks...
PEPPER Sure thing, Cotton, co- commentator is like co -writer or co -cook, isn't it? It seems silly, we aren't co -anything, co-pilots? I wonder whose idea this whole thing was-
COTTON Tonight we are here to introduce the two teams that wil lbe competing for the final gold!
PEPPER There isn't any gold, it's just money, money's green, Cotton-
COTTON From Denver, Colorado, we are looking at a team that has thus far fought their way into the top two slots. The team consists of --
PEPPER This is Sarah, Cotton, just "Sarah" like "Cher"-This competitor means business, she's a health care worker whose husband was also in health care. He died in August from Covid -19 complications, and both of her adult children are in an adjacent industry-spas; massage therapy and cosmetology, and they both had to move home since their unemployment will not cover their living expenses. She's determined to win, and will use her portion of the collective winnings to pay off either her house or her student debt from med school.
COTTON The next competitor, Leigh Rhodes, seems to be a bit more spiritual about her contribution-
PEPPER "Spiritual" or "depressed", Cotton? I can't tell the difference any more.
COTTON Ahem... as a theatre teacher her job was never in danger, she just had to adjust to teaching online for the year, and while she did not lose any family members to Covid, her admin has informed her that the budget cuts looming for next year will likely shut down her theatre. However, she has tenure so they can't fire her, and she is five years from retirement. Her portion of the winnings will allow her to buy five years from PERA and retire early. She tells me "It'll work or it won't, those are the only options".
PEPPER I find that outlook to be refreshing. Maybe "spiritual" is the right word, Cotton...
COTTON: Sure. Our next competitor is planning to use the prize money for a kitchen renovation. Gizella Callae is a self described "Positivity Addict" and refuses to stop smiling. She's a librarian who has been in and out of "furlough" this year, and her husband has been unemployed due to downsizing since just a month before the first shut down in March. He received a good severance, though, so she's ready to play positive and believe in the good of the game.
PEPPER I have no idea what that means, Cotton. This husband and wife, who refer to themselves as "The Old Couple", are playing together for the first time since- I can't read this, Cotton, so let's just say "Vacation on Mars"-were the owners of a popular Denver restaurant. They were able to hang on through the first lock down by doing curbside pick up, and they opened their patio during the second lock down, but the cold temperatures and limited seating made it more expensive to stay open than to just close their doors. They wish to simply retire to a smaller community and work at a grocery store, maybe get a llama. Cotton, don't llamas spit?
COTTON I have no idea, Pepper, why don't you go find out? As the second youngest team member, this competitor graduated in May of 2020 with a degree in political science. He has returned to school online to work on his masters in social work, hoping to work in the mental health industry by this time next year, when he believes there will be a "major need" for those with the proper training. His winnings will be used to pay off his student loan debt.
PEPPER This young man is a former gymnast and gymastics coach who has been teaching in a public school for the last few years. He seems very focused...laser focused...even angry... Cotton, I would not get in his way.
COTTON Pepper, I'd stop talking right now if I were you, he's looking right at us. Don't make eye contact... The next team member is a stay at home mom who recently entered the work force when her husband lost his antique business during the first shutdown. Known to her kids' friends as "The Cookie Lady" she was able to parlay her skills into a full time job at a bakery which has survived by doing deliveries during both shutdowns. Way to go, guys!
PEPPER Is that the drag queen baker delivery? I'd sign up for that, Cotton!
COTTON No, Pepper, it's just a bakery. That delivers baked goods. The drag queen had to drop out of the team last week, she injured her ankle in a delivery accident.
PEPPER People, you need to both shovel AND SAND your walks!
COTTON Eddie is a musical theatre major at UNC, and (flips paper over twice)...and that's it. He's the youngest team member and the only one wearing leg warmers.
PEPPER They are wearing leg warmers, yes.
COTTON The whole team?
PEPPER What?
COTTON It doesn't look like they are all wearing leg warmers.
PEPPER You're looking right at them. Cotton starts shuffling papers, Pepper realizes what is going on and while he loves a good laugh, has no interest in embarrassing anyone.
PEPPER indicates something on the page. Eddie prefers "they" or "them" to "him/he" or "She/her".
COTTON They are wearing leg warmers. Eddie is wearing leg warmers.
PEPPER Leg warmers were big in the 80's, Cotton, remember?
COTTON What year is it now?
PEPPER 2021! Whoo!!
COTTON I do not remember the 80's, Pepper, time has lost all meaning.
PEPPER The captain of the team, and its oldest member, was a career newspaper journalist whose career has first seen every department, and then every paper she worked for, shut down. She was working for the theatre industry, writing reviews and promos for the touring shows, and began editing health news for the Kidney foundation during the lockdowns. She has written seven books of poetry, seven of which have not been published, and contributed to over twenty autobiographies which have. She just wants to hit something,Cotton, the winnings are inconsequential.
COTTON Folks, that's our team from beautiful Denver, Colorado, on this beautiful day--
PEPPER Cotton, it's two degrees out.
COTTON It's still beautiful.
PEPPER Yes, if you're inside.
COTTON Where are we, Pepper?
PEPPER (Looking around the interior) Oh, well, sure, but from here I can't see outside, so I have no idea if it's beautiful or not, but John Denver liked it here a lot, Cotton, he really did.
COTTON And that's our team from Denver, folks, we'll be back with their worthy competitors from Gainsville, Florida.
PEPPER (slams the table with his fist) Alligators! Awesome!
SCENE
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