You Have To Commit

 Enjoy my first shot at a short short maybe screenplay in decades.

   

      Green Mountain, a western  suburb of Lakewood, an older, quiet community whose residents use "Nextdoor" instead of "Facebook".

      The King Soopers parking lot. There are many Subarus and Toyotas in this middle class grocery corner, which includes a liquor store, a Pizza Hut and a Chiropractic office.

   Leigh, in her fifties, exits the grocery store. As she gets into the car, checking underneath as is her lingering habit from younger years, and looking in the back seat, the man simply opens the passenger door and gets in alongside her.

  Pointing the gun at her head, he says "Drive."

 She looks at him levelly and does not move.

 "Didn't you hear me, lady? Drive or I'll fucking blow your fucking head off."

 She opens the driver's door slightly and throws the car keys onto the ground. "OK."

 "Bitch, I'm not joking, open the door and get the keys."

 "Bitch, I'm not joking: no."

 He waves the gun but does not fire it. 

 "If you're just going to sit here, I'm going back to the liquor store, I could use another bottle of wine."

 "Fucking move and I'll fucking shoot you, bitch."

 "Yes, we've established your text, however I don't think you've done your research. What is your intention?"

  "To shoot you."

  "Wrong. You need a car. Your intention is to get my car. I have now placed an obstacle in your way. If you are not committed to shooting me, you will not achieve your goal."

 "What?"

  "They're just words unless you mean them. You clearly do not mean them."

  "Try me."

  "You see your choices here, yes? You can shoot me, which you clearly do not intend to do, or you can get out of my car, which you also are clearly not doing. You force my hand, young man."

  She pulls a prop gun out of her "New York" sling bag. He puts up his hands. "Argh,"she grumbles,  she shrugs and opens her door. She gets out and marches to the liquor store. He watches her from the passenger seat, gobsmacked.

 She returns and he is still in the passenger seat." Seriously? The keys are right here," she throws them at him  hitting him in the forehead and walks back to the store."One note: Commit. Mean what you say and follow through."

  She walks into the liquor store a second time and reports her car stolen. She then waits for the police.

_______________________________________________________________________________

 He drives from the King Soopers parking lot west to the Safeway, which has another liquor store, a second hand sports equipment store and a pizza joint. He again opens the passenger door on a young lady who was preparing to exit her car.

"What." Not a question, or an exclamation. Just a statement.

 He waves the gun at her head."Drive or I'll blow your head off."

 Adjusting her weight only slightly, she presses her temple to the barrel of his gun. "OK."

 "Look, I'm not kidding."

 "Clearly you are, as you are not following through. But your voice is good,and the look in your eye says 'I'm crazy don't fuck with me'. Your acting is on point up until the trigger pull.Your research is incomplete.

 Pause.

 "I'm not going to drive," she throws the keys in his lap "So your call, Brad."

 "I'm not Brad."

 "I'm not driving." 

 Pause.

 "I will give you snaps for the Pinter pauses, Brad, but let's commit to a choice here: shoot me or get out. I'm not driving. I made my choice." 

 Pause.

 "The fuck is with you people up here, are you all related?"

 "Yes. Sure. What?"

  "I think I just met your mom."

  This gives her pause, and she hesitates a moment too long.

  Waving the gun. "Bitch, Drive.

  Waving her finger. "Brad, no."

  Pause. Pause. She adjusts her weight and begins to make a fist, indicating she is prepared to punch him. He watches closely, and she looks him in the eyes and then releaxes, her energy spent.

 "Okay, I'm bored. You have two choices here. You can shoot me or get out of my car. I don't see a third option, Brad, and I'm done repeating myself."
 

 He tosses her keys back to her, and they fall on the floor at her feet. She doesn't move. 

 She holds up two fingers.

 He pauses. 

She puts her head to the barrel once again. "A piece if advice? Find someone who wants to live. This approach is tired, Brad." 

He opens the door and spills out the passenger side, running for the liquor store.

 "Well, that was fun, huh?" She looks in her back seat where a man is bound and gagged. "So where were we? Oh, yes, you tried to grab me after work and it didn't really work out for you. Turns out I can defend myself, and pound you into submission in the deal. So. I'm going to dump you out here, in just a minute, and you're going to disappear forever. Agreed?"

 He nods. 

She pulls out a knife. "Now to make sure you can't ever, ever bother a woman with your silly penis again...." 

__________________________________________________________________________________

 He stumbles into the liquor store, waving his gun at the female clerk who passes out immediately. A male emerges from the back and  starts yelling at the man with the gun. The TV in the far upright corner of the store is playing the movie Tremors.

  "The fuck is wrong with you, ass hat? Waving a gun at a clerk like that? We're a liquor store, genius, not Ft. Knox. Hold on--" he exits to the back and returns with an ice pack, which he puts on the young lady's chest while bundling his hoodie under her head. "She's working for a living, jerk, trying to adjust back to the world and you think you're all that with a fucking gun."

  "What's wrong with her?"

  "What's wrong with her?" He stands up to get the remote by the register and turns down the TV "A guy pointed a gun at her on her first shift, that's what's wrong with her. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep employees here, man? It seems nice and safe because it's a nice neighborhood up here,but nobody wants to work in a liquor store, dude. Especially a woman. Thanks."

  "Why are you wearing a mask?"

  "Covid, dickweed, remember? I'm not on the hierarchy to get the vaccine yet. Shouldn't you be wearing one? Based on our current situation I'd say you're not a health care worker." He considers, "You might be a teacher, though." He laughs at his own joke. "Get it? 'cause they're underpaid and got the vaccine...that was a good one, man, whoo---"

   "Fuck do I care if I get it? I never got it, so who cares."

   "You can still pass it on you know. Not everyone has been vaccinated. Also, that's old news dude, the new strain---"

  "Open the register."

  "No."

  "What."

  "This job ain't worth my life man, and I'm not leaving her head on this nasty mat. You do it. It's not hard. There's a key at the top. Just turn it, it'll pop right open."

    "Brad" fumbles with it and can't get it open. "Safe, open the safe."

   "Can't. It time locks after six pm, you should know that, didn't you do any research? You can kill me, and that'd suck, but it won't get the safe open. The Wells Fargo guys will be here tomorrow morning at 9 to unlock it."

   "Brad"returns to the cash register but has to put down the gun. He  absentmindely hands it to the male clerk and opens the register, shoving the roughtly $200 in his jacket. When he turns around, the clerk has his gun on him and the young woman is waking up.

  "You have two choices here. You can go or I can shoot you. But you aren't getting your gun back, this place is wired with cameras and the cops are on their way." He tosses a plastic bag at him. "Take the mask, if you're going to hide in this neighborhood, you need to look like you give a shit."

   "Brad" leaves and turns left. The manager yells "Go right, the neighborhood is right through the gully." 

   The female clerk wakes up, sees the manager and the gun. "Hi!" he smiles "Welcome back. Sorry about that, it seriously only happens once in a blue moon, as they say. Although since the lockdowns and all, it has gotten a bit worse, like once a month.  That's why we always have two on at night. They never shoot. Are you OK?"

  She looks up at the TV where Michael Gross is yelling "Looks like you broke into the wrong goddamned rec room!"
   ________________________________________________________________________________

  Leigh is in her kitchen, opening a bottle of wine, the TV is on the news and she's scrolling Nextdoor and laughing. She's reading notifications out loud.

 "'There is a blue Hyundai that keeps driving by our house!' I love this guy, he still hasn't figured out Lyft."

  "'I saw a coyote up on W. Virginia Drive!' Me too, they're everywhere, Dear."

  "'Car break ins are on the increase again. Lakewood PD does not seem to care, get yourself a Ring doorbell and publish their thieving faces on social media!' Yep, that'll do it Grandpa. OOH, proof! Here's Ring video of a dog pooing on the lawn 'Whose dog is this?!!!"

   Shaking her head, she looks up at the TV and sees a live report. From the TV, a reporter is standing in front of the gas station across Union, just across from both the Safeway and King Soopers. 

 " Thank you, yes, we have very little information right now, but it appears this is the site of a car jacking gone bad for the car jacker. Brad Harper was filling his tank when a man forced himself into the passenger seat and demanded that he drive. Brad, whose two year old daughter was in the back seat, refused. At that time, the would be jacker moved to the driver's side and tried to forcibly remove Brad from the vehicle. During the scuffle, the would be thief shoved what Brad believed to be a gun into his side. Brad, who holds a conceal carry license, pulled his own gun. The man fled, unharmed, and Brad is being treated at St. Anthony's for a cracked rib and minor bruises. This is  Bananface McGee for 9 News."

   There is a key heard in the front door lock. It opens and voice calls "Mom, hey, can I get that rice cooker?"

  "Sure, if you brought my knife back."

   The young lady ascending the stairs is the same one who had a man tied up in the back of her car. She enters the kitchen, pulls a bloody kitchen knife from her bag and washes it in the sink. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to steal it, I thought it was mine."

  "I think you do it so you have an excuse to come back for dinner every week."

               SCENE

 

square state educator: "in person learning", act two

Trying my hand at satire again. We'll see how this goes.

Martin School District Community,

As the Martin School District Board of Education, we would like to update you on where we are with our plans for  second semester of the 20-21 school year, meaning January of 2021. Board members voiced strong support for a return to in-person learning for all students in grades Preschool through 12 and teachers voiced strong support for a vaccine before returning to in person learning. It is currently our intent to return to in-person learning for the second semester through a hybrid model. The hybrid model allows for a phased-in approach as recommended by public health officials. There is no plan to provide the vaccine to teachers before we return to in person learning as it will  not be availalble until later this spring.However, since everyone seems to believe the vaccine is available and have flooded the malls this season, it looks bad if we keep school closed. Also Florida is open, so we feel bullied The proposed model is the same model created for October of 2020. The model was not implemented due to a predicted Covid-19 spike in the community. Public healthy officials predict a post holiday spike, which will likely occur around the same date that MSD plans to return to in person learning.

The in person hybrid model divides students into groups “A” and “B”. One group attends school in person on designated “A” weeks (Monday-Thursday) for two weeks, unless that week has a holiday Monday, then it is two weeks and a day. Or if there is a snow day, or state testing Wednesday, then it is two weeks plus Monday and Wednesday the following week.  The other group attends school in person on designated “B” weeks (Monday-Thursday) unless there is a holiday Monday, or state testing Wednesday, or a snow day. All snow days will be remote. Fridays will remain no contact A Synchronous days, which will stay until the school year ending 2022, as it gives the custodians a day to deep clean and is actually moving toward a four day school week, which would be awesome and we support but the community does not. When the "A " Group is attending in person, the "B" group has logged into class from home and is completing A Synchronous work aligned with the class content for those two weeks, except for Wednesdays when group "B" will log in Synchronously and participate live with the class. The district will continue to provide one Chrome book per student and one per teacher, so teachers should ensure that on Weds they stand in the clearly marked, blue taped sqare in front of their laptop in the classroom, as we do not have the budget for cameras or lighting to accomodate the teacher moving about the classroom. Should there be a Covid-19 spike, we will return to remote learning for all students, but teachers should make plans to stay in the building and teach from their blue taped square, to provide consistency for our students, which is so important to the mental health of our students. After two weeks, the "B" group switches to in person learning and "A" moves to remote. Teachers and students will follow the protocol set forth by public health officials, and must allow no more than ten students in class at a time, desks facing forward, masked and no food or beverage in the room, no eye contact or forced breathing or talking. Teachers may choose to build a plexiglass booth around their blue taped squares, at their own expense, for additional safety. Students are welcome to do the same around their desks, since they will not be changing classrooms and may as well move in. As long as they leave before 11 am, as no students are allowed in the buildings after 11 am.

Please note that some class sizes cannot accomodate only twenty students total ( ten in group "A" and ten in group "B") so some classes will have to extend their schedule to include a group "C", which will involve creating a new calendar with more than four weeks in a month and includes an additional day in the week. Group "C" may attend the same weeks as group "A" at either an early morning time (4 am-7am) or afternoon (3.30 pm-6.30 pm) or on Saturdays, unless there is a state college entrance exam sheduled, in which case Group "C" students will attend on Sunday. Once the schedule is agreed upon, this students will attend on the new eighth week day "Blursday".

The choices as to which classes shall return to in person learning is up to individual buildings. We recommend allowing all sports to practice per CHSSA regulations after school, and leaving gym, art and performing arts electives in remote learning because they breathe too much. Also, some buildings may choose to  have in person learning in the morning session, only, allowing students time to get home for their pm remote session and giving the custodians time to clean the building. Teachers, whether hybrid or remote/synchronous are all expected to teach from their blue taped square in the classroom, including A Synchronous Fridays. If a teacher builds a plexiglass booth, it is their choice as to whether or not they teach from inside the booth on A Synchronous Fridays.

 Preschool students will NOT be divided into two groups and will attend school every week on Mondays-Thursdays. There is no plan for plexiglass particians, as preschoolers are petrie dishes and will touch everything, anyway.

 Please note these are the exact same plans that were in place in October when the predicted spike hit our community, and the district closed all buildings.

 We will confirm our plans by Monday, Jan. 4. We have strong plans in place and we intend to return to school in person as long as health data do not negatively impact our ability to implement our plans.Please note that if there is a predicted spike after the holiday, we will remain remote and none of this will matter.

Enjoy the break with your families.

DODGEBALL: The Post Covid Team From Denver

Written with love and respect for those who created the movie DODGEBALL and the lovely commentators, Pepper and Cotton, as well as Best In Show, and Fred Willard...I guess that makes this fan fiction...

COTTON Welcome to Dodgeball 2021, I'm Cotton McKnight and this is my co-commentator Pepper Brooks...

PEPPER Sure thing, Cotton, co- commentator is like co -writer or co -cook, isn't it? It seems silly, we aren't co -anything,  co-pilots? I wonder whose idea this whole thing was-

COTTON Tonight we are here to introduce the two teams that wil lbe competing for the final gold!

PEPPER There isn't any gold, it's just money, money's green, Cotton-

COTTON From Denver, Colorado, we are looking at a team that has thus far fought their way into the top two slots. The team consists of --

 PEPPER  This is Sarah, Cotton, just "Sarah" like "Cher"-This competitor means business, she's a health care worker whose husband was also in health care. He died in August from Covid -19 complications, and both of her adult children are in an adjacent industry-spas; massage therapy and cosmetology, and they both had to move home since their unemployment will not cover their living expenses. She's determined to win, and will use her portion of the collective winnings to pay off either her house or her student debt from med school.

COTTON The next competitor, Leigh Rhodes, seems to be a bit more spiritual about her contribution-

PEPPER "Spiritual" or "depressed", Cotton? I can't tell the difference any more.

COTTON Ahem... as a theatre teacher her job was never in danger, she just had to adjust to teaching online for the year, and while she did not lose any family members to Covid,  her admin has informed her that the budget cuts looming for next year will likely shut down her theatre. However, she has tenure so they can't fire her, and she is five years from retirement. Her portion of the winnings will allow her to buy five years from PERA and retire early. She tells me "It'll work or it won't, those are the only options".

PEPPER I find that outlook to be refreshing. Maybe "spiritual" is the right word, Cotton...

COTTON: Sure. Our next competitor is planning to use the prize money for a kitchen renovation. Gizella Callae is a self described "Positivity Addict" and refuses to stop smiling. She's a librarian who has been in and out of "furlough" this year, and her husband has been unemployed due to downsizing since just a month before the first shut down in March. He received a good severance, though, so she's ready to play positive and believe in the good of the game.

PEPPER I have no idea what that means, Cotton. This husband and wife, who refer to themselves as "The Old Couple", are playing together for the first time since- I can't read this, Cotton, so let's just say "Vacation on Mars"-were the owners of a popular Denver restaurant. They were able to hang on through the first lock down by doing curbside pick up, and they opened their patio during the second lock down, but the cold temperatures and limited seating made it more expensive to stay open than to just close their doors. They wish to simply retire to a smaller community and work at a grocery store, maybe get a llama. Cotton, don't llamas spit?

COTTON I have no idea, Pepper, why don't you go find out? As the second youngest team member, this competitor graduated in May of 2020 with a degree in political science. He has returned to school online to work on his masters in social work, hoping to work in the mental health industry by this time next year, when he believes there will be a "major need" for those with the proper training. His winnings will be used to pay off his student loan debt.

 PEPPER This young man is a former gymnast and gymastics coach who has been teaching in a public school for the last few years. He seems very focused...laser focused...even angry... Cotton, I would not get in his way.

COTTON Pepper, I'd stop talking right now if I were you, he's looking right at us. Don't make eye contact... The next team member is a stay at home mom who recently entered the work force when her husband lost his antique business during the first shutdown. Known to her kids' friends as "The Cookie Lady" she was able to parlay her skills into a full time job at a bakery which has survived by doing deliveries during both shutdowns. Way to go, guys!

PEPPER Is that the drag queen baker delivery? I'd sign up for that, Cotton!

COTTON No, Pepper, it's just a bakery. That delivers baked goods. The drag queen had to drop out of the team last week, she injured her ankle in a delivery accident. 

PEPPER People, you need to both shovel AND SAND your walks!

COTTON Eddie is a musical theatre major at UNC, and (flips paper over twice)...and that's it. He's the youngest team member and the only one wearing leg warmers.

PEPPER They are wearing leg warmers, yes.

COTTON The whole team?

PEPPER What?

COTTON It doesn't look like they are all wearing leg warmers.

PEPPER You're looking right at them. Cotton starts shuffling papers, Pepper realizes what is going on and while he loves a good laugh, has no interest in embarrassing anyone.

PEPPER  indicates something on the page. Eddie prefers "they" or "them" to "him/he" or "She/her".

COTTON They are wearing leg warmers. Eddie is wearing leg warmers.

PEPPER Leg warmers were big in the 80's, Cotton, remember?

COTTON What year is it now?

PEPPER 2021! Whoo!!

COTTON I do not remember the 80's, Pepper, time has lost all meaning.

 PEPPER The captain of the team, and its oldest member, was a career newspaper journalist whose career has first seen every department, and then every paper she worked for, shut down. She was working for the theatre industry, writing reviews and promos for the touring shows, and began editing health news for the Kidney foundation during the lockdowns. She has written seven books of poetry, seven of which have not been published, and contributed to over twenty autobiographies which have. She just wants to hit something,Cotton, the winnings are inconsequential.

COTTON Folks, that's our team from beautiful Denver, Colorado, on this beautiful day--

PEPPER Cotton, it's two degrees out.

COTTON It's still beautiful.

PEPPER Yes, if you're inside. 

COTTON Where are we, Pepper?

PEPPER (Looking around the interior) Oh, well, sure, but from here I can't see outside, so I have no idea if it's beautiful or not, but John Denver liked it here a lot, Cotton, he really did.

COTTON And that's our team from Denver, folks, we'll be back with their worthy competitors from Gainsville, Florida.

 PEPPER (slams the table with his fist) Alligators! Awesome! 

                                      SCENE

square state teacher: please do not ask how it's going, just pass the wine.

 

   I've been trying to sort out how to write about this debacle, and make it funny, when I realized the memes have already done it. The Meme Gnomes know that a picture is worth a thousand words, but they added a few words, anyway, to alter the meaning and now I can't write about remote teaching because it's all been said in memes.

    I hate technology. 

    I do not know how to create a meme, and I refuse to learn. I also refuse to tik-tok, snap chat or instagram. In addition: I refuse to capitalize any of those applications or whatever they are and I am unsure why. I doggedly insist on refering to the internet as "The Interwebs" and Facebook as "My The Facebook".  

    I am a delight.

  All of this was hilariiously quirky to students and collegues until August, when the reality set in.

    I teach theatre. By definition theatre needs a live audience, otherwise it's film...(or masturbation, thank you Mr. Albee) Period. I have been very gracious in allowing students who are forced to be on their Chrome books to call what we are doing theatre, as they are technically "alive" behind their screens. I have not been gracious at all when they ask if they can record their performance instead. 

    Will you be recording your performance in front of a live audience, like SNL? We have had class conversations around sitcoms and talk shows, determining that as long as there is a live audience, it's theatre.Which means that they can perform for the class behind our cameras, because we're live, and we'll accept it but only under Covid Lockdown. They get bonus points if they perform in front of their parents or siblings. 

    So, if you record yourself alone in your room and post it in google classroom, is it theatre?

    No.

    It is not theatre. For what that actually is, see above and make your choice.

    I allowed myself to join with another building to create a "Virtual Whodunnit" with kids from both schools. Six of the eight actors were from my building, I soon realized "collaboration" meant "I don't have reliable kids". Which was fine, whatever, but it's not THEATRE and I hated it. Nobody really believes we're going back hybrid in January, regardless of the district's directives, and that means I will have to do another virtual peformance.

   My stipend relies on it.

   I will not receive my theatre stipend if I do not produce a performance outside of class of some kind.

   Money drives everything.

   I wish it didn't, in a perfect world I can pay my bills without this stipend and just spend time getting to know the kids and planning our glorious return next fall. Frankly, I've had a lot of fun with my intro classes doing The Odd Couple scenes with sock puppets. I don't believe forcing them to adapt improv games to a Brady Bunch screen is an effective way to teach theatre. I have chosen, instead, to teach them how to build a sock puppet (it's a prop), create costume pieces for it, and perform a scene from the hated Chrome Book (read the script, tilt the screen, create differentiated voices for the characters, maniuplate the sock puppets=multitasking and performance and infinitely more creative than saying words into a screen, repeat).I just went off paranthetically, that's  a new one.

   There is just too much, non teachers ("Non Teachers" What is wrong with me? "Not Teachers...wait...was that correct?) cannot possibly understand, so when they ask "How's teaching theatre online?" I just shrug.

    If you ask a teacher, and get a shrug, just nod. Smile. Hand over that bottle of wine.We've spent all of our energy trying to live through this, we have no energy left to explain to anyone else how we're living through it.

   We aren't even sure that we are.    

   Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

I Am Waiting

         I Am Waiting  with all of my love and apologies to Lawrence Ferlinghetti and Samuel Beckett, without whom I would not be able to turn this anguish into art.

10 DEC 2020

This morning's contemplation: When the Beats and Absurdism collide, and I post the first draft.

I am waiting for art and theatre and poetry to be revered

I am waiting for effective Covid testing for the rest of us like football has

I am waiting for Broadway to open her eyes and yawn and ask what's been going on

I am waiting for a difference between republicans and democrats like when I was a kid and older men sat on lawn chairs debating with younger men who instead argued cosmic consciousness

I am waiting for the dog to self wash so he does not smell like a Frito

I am waiting for an apology

I am waiting for karma

I am waiting for a revolution of kindness

I am waiting for Christ to come down from his bare tree and end this absurdist cycle with a tip of his bowler and a magic turnip

I am waiting for Beckett and Ferlinghetti to smite me for invoking their genius in my silly poem.

I am waiting to follow Keanu and Dolly to the promised land

I am waiting for the revolution of kindness

I am waiting for my internet to reconnect

I am waiting for someone to care

I am waiting for the votes to be accepted

I am waiting for the victory of decency

I am waiting for them to stop burning flags and masks and start building relationships

I am waiting to move forward, for the US to stop hovering like hurricane Harvey over Houston

I am waiting for a vaccine

I am waiting for students to turn on their cameras

I am waiting for the coffee to brew as I go about my morning chores, all of which are about feeding animals who cannot and do not wait.

I am waiting to feel mentally stable

I am waiting for the Christmas season to warm the souls of those who are missing the point of this entire pandemic

I am waiting for the revolution of kindness

I am waiting for my hair to grow out

I am waiting for a haircut

I am waiting for my groceries

I am waiting for the cat to get off of my lap

I am waiting for my order from Etsy

I am waiting for students to honor a deadline and I am waiting for senior education to adapt to freshmen needs

I am waiting for the tribes to finally rise up and reclaim what is rightfully theirs

I am waiting for my favorite ancient shirt to disintegrate and fall off of my body as a metaphor

I am still waiting on an apology or karma or both

I am waiting for the revolution of kindness

square state educator: when decisions are not decisions but scenes from a monty python movie (which are apparently written in run on sentences)

 

     March: We're going to do an extended spring break, your show won't be impacted but just kidding, we're not reopening so your show is impacted and in fact we are going to shut down everything, no prom, no graduation, come get anything that might die if you leave it here, like a plant or a fish, and you'll finish the semester on google classsroom, hopefully you already have that set up but if you don't, do it and you can use google meet for class do you know how to make a link? if not you can  use chat or just post in classroom it will be fine by the way there are no grades, we mean there are grades but they won't matter, whatever they had when we shut down will be their final grade if they don't turn anything else in we are now living in "no harm grading" which really means no grading and also means the seniors are going to bail on classes but good look try to do something interesting to engage them and get them excited about coming to virtual class where the grades don't matter it's like Whose LIne Is It Anyway? where the points don't matter, hahaa just make sure you click into the meet or the chat or whatever you use so you are present every day in case a studnt shows up.

June: If you're tired of being home we need help schlepping the kids' stuff out of the lockers the custodians cleaned everything out and put it in the theatre, come down to the building and kids will drive by and return their text books we hope they'll slow down first and not chuck them out the door and we'll throw their backpack into the car as they pass wear a mask and here are a thousand google classroom classes you can take for free from the district and they count toward your license renewal but you do not need to learn all of it don't worry if you can only figure out google meet then use that you don't need all of this stuff but we are offering free classes so you can use it if you'd like to but you do not have to and the district is dropping google meet links into your classrooms for the fall because the plan is go hybrid at least possibly open we'll see.

July:Okay, we are not opening hybrid we're staying remote we'll go hybrid in October or maybe in September and here are some more google classes but don't feel like you have to take them or use any of it it's just there for you and here is the new schedule instead of quarters we're going to sessions so you will have to teach a semester in 20 days, meeting with two classes three hours a day for 20 days each and grades matter again but here is a thousand  hours of SEL training to  explain how to be human and kind and build relationships with students but no ideas as to how to do that online and also good luck teaching a single class for three hours online four days a week because Fridays are A synchronous and Monday through Thursday are synchronous and you're going to hear those words so much that memes of Samuel Jackson threatening people who utter them will flood social media by August but don't panic but you have to know this technology but you don't have to use it but you need to be aware of the social emotional well being of your students and connect with them but we don't know how you're supposed to make them turn on their camera but you'll figure it out besides we'll probably be hybrid in September except for electives which means gym and performing arts and computer tech and art but you guys are fine online, right, this is temporary we'll be back by October except for electives which we've now decided are remote all year but don't panic all these google classroom classes have interactive elements that will engage your students who signed up to play tuba in band but instead are on their computer for three hours without an instrument but Pear Deck will engage them.

August: Allrighty then here we go we are fully remote we've handed out Chrome Books to all of our students and you can teach from home it'll be great, we'll be back in the building in some kind of hybrid arrangement by Sept or October at least, except electives who are online all year and some sports are practicing because they're outside and choir and theatre can be outside of you get your CPR card and coach training because performing arts are dangerous if you move to the field and  you can't be off school property because then it's on you if someone gets sick because you have forced breath and you can't be inside even though other performing arts teachers  in other buildings and districts have purchased massive air purifiers that make their rooms safe and even managed to follow protocol and rehearse but you can't unless you want to do it outside and get your CPR card and do some coach training and don't forget to be engaging and get kids to turn on their cameras and excited about coming to school Pear Deck is everything and remember you have class for three hours and if you have two classes you have a two hour break between them so that's nice you'll have time to plan adn cry and smoke and eat lunch and follow up with attendance daily there are two attendence forms you need to report anyone who has missed more than three classes as well as daiily attendance and there's a form for you to fill out if you think a student is suffering emotionally and don't force them to turn on their cameras but they should turn on their cameras but SEL training says you shouldn't force them to do anything but their grades count and they should log on to A Synch Fridays and do that work and you have to report attendance by 3 pm on A Synch Fridays even though you aren't in class and class is supposed to last until 3.30 in fact get your attendance in every day by 3 and a kid is present even if they click on for five seconds and then off or if they log on but do not engage at all they're still counted present and grades count so make sure you are assigning work and checking in on their mental health and reporting any issues with their behavior and remember to take care of your own mental health and look at your google calendar so you do not miss staff meetings or IEP meetings or PLT and Department meetings and additional meetings about meetings and attendance is due by 3 even though class ends at 3.30 there's a form for students who log in after 3 pm but should still be counted present but weren't by the time attendance was due at 3pm also Pear Deck is a great way to engage students and check in with their social emotional well being and remember to take care of your mental health.

Sept:Okay, so even though you are remote we want you to come teach from the building admin are there and secretaries are there and sped and ELL students are there and sped and ELL teachers and Peras are there and custodians are there  even though the building is closed so come teach from there but do not interact with one another follow protocol and social distance and wear a mask if you aren't in your room but sports are practicing and playing games and taking buses but the lockerrooms are closed and the weight room is closed go sports ball and we know you're trying to engage your students have you tried Pear Deck and remember to take care of your own mental health.  

October:So there's a Covid outbreak in the building you still have to come in and teach from here follow protocol and make sure you attend all Friday meetings virtually and load A Synch work and Pear Deck is a great way to engage students we know they aren't turning on their cameras try to be more engaging and report the three day absences in the document and be attentive to their social and emotional health and give them work grades count now we know they didn't before and the kids are confused and we also know changing from a quarter system to sessions and online were difficult for them but if you're enaging they will turn on their cameras and they will not be confused wait the city is having a spike so we're going to go ahead and close all the schools again you don't have to teach from here any more go home until after Thanksgiving we're not going hybrid but after Thanksgiving we might so stay tuned and take care of your mental health.

November: We are remote through the end of the semester, which is not a "semester" but "session 4" and the building is closed, closed,  not "closed" we sent the sped and ELL students home and the secretaries are working from home when their internet works turns out the wifi is crappy for students and adults who knew oh just kidding we know you knew which is why we said come in the building even though we lost wifi for a day that was pretty annoying but everyone just go teach from home and also students can make up work from past sessions so even though you have not seen them since September if they turn something in that was due in August you have to give them credit but you can't chang the grade it has to go through the registar  whose wifi at home is sketchy and make sure you take care of your mental health.

December: Happy Break, take care of yourselves and your families but get your grades in which we know is jacked because the system only acknowledges two quarters and we're in four sessions so do it right you keep doing it wrong but we are showing grace and it's fine but really this is the fourth time try to do it right and by the way we're going hybrid in January when we return and what we called "Sessions 1-4" are repeating starting in January but we're calling it "Sessions 5-8" which is not confusing at alll but turn in your grades OK and take care of your mental health over the break and also is anyone willing to work over the break and give students another chance to turn in to their work?

                                            SCENE

square state educator: farce

   

   

   Due to both crushing depression and weight gain, I have not written much at all during the last two years, and by that I mean since March or 2020. 

   Today is Saturday, the first day of Christmas break. It snowed yesterday or the day before, it doesn't matter, and in addition to everything else, my arthritis had kicked up its game, and invited its friend carpal tunnel to join the party in my right thumb. Just making sure you know it's me, if I did not complain you'd become suspcious that I was using a ghost writer.

  Last week or last month or yesterday, we received another communique from the district informing us that we are, really, for sure, we swear this time, going hybrid when we return in January. I think it is cute the way we humans, particularly when gathered in what we believe to be a group who have control, imagine that we have jurisdiction over the pandemic. We are high farce for God or Zeus or Budda or the Spaghetti Monster or aliens-whoever is watching our show.

   I am in a district that has been remote since 12 March 2020. We never did go back. There were best laid plans, but the mice have run of the empty buiding now, not the men. 

   The performing arts, which is my content, were told we would be remote all year. When we asked for a reason, assuming it was audiences and large classes, we were told it is because the kids breathe. Particularly in choir, breathing is the number one way to spread Covid. Of course, the choir teacher immediately embarked upon plans to purchase new, massive air purifiers, which have been successfully used in other districts. We also argued that the soccer team breathes,as well as tennis players, and they are able to function and compete. But the answer was still no. Since I am neither the choir teacher or the department chair, I was not in on the discussion that led to the final "nyet", so I get to imagine whatever I'd like: I think it's because our kids are not big rule followers, and the theory is that they will deliberately defy the air purifier and get and spread Covid, anyway, through their hooligan practices.Just to be contrary. Or, worse, nobody cares about performing arts, so stop being a bother. 

    So all in all, to sum up in conclusion, but not really, I am not buying into any agenda that tries to open a public school in the middle of a pandemic without a vaccine. I have reserach to back this: our building was not fully "closed" at first, students who needed to receive direct instruction-language learners, special ed- were in the building, with their teachers and Peras, admin, secretaries,(at one point I was in there, as they decided we had to teach remotely from the building for ten minutes*). By October there was a Covid outbreak in the building and within weeks, the district chose to close all buidings, entirely. Even the secretaries had to work from home. Every district I am aware of (because who knows what's going on on the Western Slope or down south, I don't live there) in the Denver-Metro area, has tried to open in some capacity Even those that were "closed" had the above occupants a few hours a day. (Note to self, explore the different meanings of "closed" this year.)

  As of Christmas break, 2020, none of those buildings are open,not by any word smithed definition. I have not talked to my collegaues elsewhere yet, but I suspect many have received instructions asserting their district's specific dominance over science and nature, stating that they will be open after break. Dramatic irony depends on the audience possessing information the actors do not have. It is our job to follow the script, because the comedy does not work without a delusional "boss" yelling poorly thought through directives throughout the show. Because we are only in Season 1, our audience has not yet tired of this formula, and are still entertained, largely due to our egocentric belief that we have any control:that is the nature of all comedy. If they lose interest, we might get cancelled.

   

* Why, yes, I did write a blog about it. "The Certainty Of Uncertainty".

square state educator: should i stay or should i go?

 When I first started teaching at the ripe old age of 37, I honestly did so for job security.

I have been at it for 17 years now, 18 if you count subsitute teaching for a year,19 if you count 2020 twice, which I think we should, absolutely. And I've lied to students and parents on many occasions when they ask "Why did you become a teacher?" 

There is the impact my own high school theatre teacher had on me,yes. 

The impact my high school language arts teacher had on me,yes.

The impact my high school social studies teacher had on me after high school, as I brought him beer at the bar where I worked while doing shows and playing a stay at home mom in life.

Sure. All of that is in the mix, of course.

But when I finally pulled the trigger after subbing for a time, I did it because I liked having a steady gig. I liked a regular paycheck and the health insurance was a nice perk. As an actor, I had to ride on Jim's insurance to keep from going broke just trying to get health insurance. I was fortunate in that aspect, and acknolwedge such with great googley grace.

That it would be hard work never occured to me.

That my procilivity for relentlessly writing my truth would cost me a job was unfathomable.

That I would struggle harder than I ever have in my career, and seriously consider bailing because teaching online all year is just too much was, of course inconceivable. (Yes, I know what that means.).

So much ink and subsequent Bored Teacher videos and memes have exploded to explain our pain.

When this is "over", educators are going to be attacked once again. It will be our fault that students are failing at remote learning. It is always our fault. I saw the writing on the wall when communities attacked their teachers online when it became clear that continuing remote learning was the best public health option. We were called "lazy". In one district, I cruised the thread to read a community member who screamed "If I have to go to work, bitch, so do you"

So many emotions had to be regulated before I could think. Of course, once I cleared my anger deck, I was left with the reality: this angry person thinks we aren't working.

I am not at home, chained to my distirct lap top, pulling every trick I know and calling college prof friends to reinvent my in person theatre content for online learning. Nope. I also am not here when your student logs on. When the kids log on for class, I deliberately do not turn on my comptuer and I just laugh and laugh at the stupid district who is paying me not to work. And eat Bon Bons.

This will only get worse when the SAT and ACT scores come back. Several colleges waived them last spring for the fall of 2020, and if anyone has a brain cell they will do the same this year.

Is your student loved?

Are you doing everything you can in your situation to support and love them?

Are they curious, interested in learning and following through?

Then they are going to be fine. 

If your student is not logging on during class, there is nothing I can do.

If your student logs on for class but "ghosts" (no camera, no mike, never responds) there is nothing I can do.

This is not because I am a bad teacher. 

This is not because I am not "engaging" or not working twice as hard as I have in the past to reach students.

These choices are on your student. Teachers cannot force education on those who do not care. But that is not going to be openly acknoweledged so, they will blame us.

This revelation, that we are in for another round of abuse in the future, is particularly heart breaking, as so many parents are attempting to teach their kids online. They know how hard it is because they are doing it too.

But feel free to turn on us. 

We are used to it.

I signed up for a steady gig. I did not sign up to be attacked by people who do not understand what I do.

Maybe it is time to go.

12 Days of Nextdoor

 "I saw a coyote"

   "there's a strange car circling the neighbhorhood

   box springs, mattress, dining room chairs living room chairs sectionals love seats fake plants brass bed  dog crates, lamps

Harp and I are going to record this later to post on Facebook. We think we're funny.

On the first day of Christmas, NEXTDOOR gave to me: a treadmill that actually works. (you know the song, I don't need to babysit your reading.)

 2 Box springs

 3 Matteress

 4 "There's a strange car circling the neighborhood" posts

 5 Stolen Bikes

 6 Coyote sightings

 7 Complaints about local bartenders not wearing masks

8  Whose dog pooping on my lawn?NEXTDOOR

9 Garage break ins

10 Fake ficusesssss

11 Lost pet salamandar posts which are indiginous to colorado and are actually short horned lizards and not a lost pet but that's fine, thank you for posting. Also shout out to the guy who lost his tucan.

 12 Babysistters in search of babies to sit.