The Millionth Colorado Native To Bitch About Traffic

 
      Jim and I tried to drive up to  see the colors change last weekend,but ended up having to come back early after stopping at the Conoco outside of Conifer where Every Old Person  Ever had to use the one functioning bathroom, so I  kept letting them go ahead of me. After ten minutes Harper was done--it's a delicate thing with Harper and timing---so we came back down and went to the pub. It was fine.
      So this weekend, we headed up without Harper---who is almost 20 years old,by the way--and  spent the day driving up to Guanella via 285 and back down I70. We got stuck in traffic on 285, twice. No deer in the road, no car accident, nothing. Just stopped. Because there were too many damned people on the road.
      I remember going up to see the leaves change as recently as five years ago, with little traffic until I 70. Which , frankly, has always been a shit show, even before The World decided they needed to live here.
      First, we, from Colorado, do not call it "Leaf Peeping". That sounds naughty. The first time I heard this term was from my Canadian friend. Then another friend from Vermont, or Connecticut, or some damned east place, also said it. We never had a cute little phrase, guys. When I was a kid "the leaves are changing colors" is what we said. "Let's go see the leaves change", or "Go see the colors", and we knew what that meant, and it sounded like what it was: watching nature change seasons.
       "Leaf Peeping", however, seems to have a naughty connotation, like we are spying on the leaves whilst they are showering. Ewwww.
       Last week on the morning news,  Ernie Bjorkman said "leaf peeping" and I lost my shit. That is not what we call it here, Erns, and you know that. Stop cowing to the foreigners who came here who think it needs a title. Honestly, if you're from a state that calls it "Leaf Peeping", I don't understand why you moved here. Your state it plenty pretty, I assure you, and is likely maintaining its beauty better than CO because not everybody needed to move where the pot was legal.
        Colorado is not the only state, guys, you can go to Washington which is also beautiful. Go muck up their air quality, drive up their property values and spray paint in their national forests and leave us  alone. We won't miss you because we don't need you. Shoo.
         So we come up the back way through Morrison, and then pick up 285 at Conifer. There are few cars along the way, once you get past the Puddle Park that is Morrison, and then through the Street Clog in Evergreen. It was nice, I felt like nobody knew about this road as we drove and enjoyed the fall air and view. Then we turned on to 285 at Conifer and were immediately in a traffic jam. Both confused and trying not to be grumpy, we hoped that a herd of deer had decided to cross the road, and that's why everyone was stopped. Remember Back in the Day, when you'd go to RMNP and everyone was stopped and pulled over because a herd of Elk had decided to stand in the road? And you happily pulled over, or stopped, depending on the width of the road, and got out and stretched your legs and smiled at your travelmates who were also stretching their legs and watching the Elk with a bemused  smile that said "God I Love This State", or they had their camera out, kids on their shoulders so they could see.
          Nope. It was a traffic jam due to traffic. That's all. Too many people on the road.
          The next jam was right outside of Bailey, just past the Old People's Conoco. Again, we sat, not moving on the two lane road, right past Coney Island, wondering what could possibly be holding everything up? Moose?  Deer? Elk? A UFO?
          Nope. Traffic for traffic.
          Made worse, of course, by a hundred cars pulling over to take photos but not pulling into a pull out, just stopping at the pavement edge. You're wrong, that's not how you do this. Find a pullout. Can't find a pull out? Then move back to where you came from. Before you moved here there were plenty of pullouts for all of us. Even the switchbacks on the back side of Bierstadt, before Georgetown, had cars just pulled over! ANOTHER SMALL JAM was caused because the descending cars and the ascending cars did not have enough room to pass one another, we had to pass one at a time because both sides of the hair pin turn were blocked with FUCKING CARS WHO JUST STOPPED and the people from the cars trying to dart across the road ("If you can dodge a car, you can dodge a ball.") to get their photos of the Aspen grove.
           The mountains used to be where you could go to lose yourself, to breathe and drive and have a sandwich. It's now a cluttered, clustered mess where you cannot lose yourself because you have to pay attention to other drivers, and you cannot breathe because you may hit some human being trying to waddle across the switchback, assuming that you will see them and stop.
          And pee before you leave and drink no fluids, the bathrooms are jacked.