Over last nine months, the guestion of "why has my brain stopped working" has had only three possible answers: covid, menopause or depression. Three choices to explain why I've lost the waffle maker that I just put away, or buy taco seasoning every time I visit the store because I think we are out. We are not out, there are about 73 packets in my pantry. I do the same thing with ketchup and spaghetti sauce.
I am hesitant to make light of something so deeply horrifying as dementia, which is why I will not blame it for my current state, but it may be time to add the word as a fourth possible answer.
First, one must overlook the fact that I deliberately ignore health advice. I lost weight on Keto knowing it couldn't be sustained, but who cares, I lost 25 pounds. I knew I'd gain weight in March when the empty shelves in the grocery store gave me enough anxiety to buy what they had, which was muffin mix. Then I had to make the muffins, you can't just have mix sitting in your pantry next to the ketchup mocking you. I know I do not drink enough water, that I drink too much alcohol, that I do not exercize. There is no need to point these things out to me, I'm an adult. I've always had a trait that causes me to specifically ignore advice that I know is good for me. Is there a word for that? (Clearly the word is "stubborn").
Once you overlook my stubborn refusal to "Just Do The Thing" and clear up whatever the current issue is, the humor of my mental canonballs is revealed.
That is, until the anxiety rears its head again, and nothing is funny any more.
Roller Coaster, party of one.
I have had little to no anxiety since March. Even over Christmas, my usual screaming, screeching mind was only whispering. With the new year, in fact the very first day, Anxiety decided to make a comeback. I could not think, I revereted to old patterns and found myself feeling defeated. In the process, I was lectured by my 23 year old daughter who has had enough.
It's so comforting to just give into anxiety and let it fuel you. It makes sense, because it pushes me to be active. I have been inactive for so long, I suppose it was an easy excuse.Anyway, there is a lot of self discovery involved her that nobody needs to read. I sat down to write because my brain is mush. It's something familair that I recognize.
I had a friend text me before Christmas about her husband's birthday. I read the date wrong-which is a common issue with me, I also frequently text garbage, I blame my eyes-and thought it was this week. So I mailed a birthday card last week. Facebook send me a notification that my friend's birthday is tomorrow, and I immediately knew something was amiss. Why yes, yes, her text clearly has the proper date written down, and I decided it was a single digit number. So now my friend has weirdly received a birthday card almost two weeks early, and once again those who know me are forced to smile and say "It's OK, it's not a big deal", but I do this all the time. I struggled with dates before I was old, I had no idea it could be this bad.
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