Open Adoption Part 1

    There is little support for what is happening in my world.
    So I am going to blog and hope that those in similar situations will know they are not alone.

  This is Part 1, in which I will just give a general overview of blogs to come. As you all know, Harper gave her baby up for adoption in August. It has been a rough, rough road for her and by extension, our family. We have all changed and stretched and grown throughout this process, and we are still groping in moments.

   What She Is Doing Is Pretty Much Unprecedented
      The choice to give your child up for adoption is difficult, on all fronts. It requires unending support and love from your family and friends, and you don't always get it. There is a nasty contingency of haters out there who believe you are terrible for giving your child the opportunity to live a life you are unable to provide at this moment in your life. I was astounded at the vitriol hurled at my beautiful, strong daughter for her choice.
     What makes her situation so unique is the adoptive family. They are friends of ours, and when Harp met with them to talk about adoption, she came home and said with absolute certainty "They are the parents. This is right." She never wavered from that stance. What is different, is these parents said from the beginning that they wanted a truly "open" adoption. I had no idea what that meant, I am old and my generation was not brought up like that. You handed your baby off and walked away, scene. Maybe you got a photo at Christmas if you knew the parents. What they had in mind was open. The baby would know his birth mom because she was around on a regular basis. He would know his birth grandparents.
     The Adoptive parents came over to celebrate her graduation from massage therapy school when she was about four months pregnant, and said "We're family. I hope you're OK with us being around the next 18 years.". This statement knocked Jim right off  his barstool, as he did not recall signing up for another family. But there it was. It took us a few days to digest that these people intended to share more than Christmas cards.
     Fox is now four months old, and Harper sees him once a week. He has also met my sister, my sister in law and brother in law, and in law grandparents. We are planning an after Christmas Christmas, when Genoa is back from Durango, with all extended family from our side who wish to share the holiday with Fox. Harp's friends have visited him. His mom calls Harper "Harper Mom", and that is her official title. They do not believe that he should be lied to at any point, and they want Harp to remain a part of his life. We suspect, as he gets older and her career gets going, that the weekly visits will become monthly. But at the moment, she is welcome in their home at any time.
     Weird, right?
     What is missing is therapy or psych support for this kind of arrangement. Harp loves Fox, and knows he's in the right place. She knows she could not have given him a home with two parents as his adopted family can. But she's human, and he's her baby, and that is adoption guilt. Is it really helping that she sees him so often, or is it making it more difficult?
     I will keep you posted. But I can't find anyone out there who has had the same experience, so...I guess we'll write the playbook for this one.