Ageism and bifocals

                So Madonna stated in some  music type article that ageism is wrong and she is a victim.
                As  much as I want to giggle at that, I read the article. She made exactly two statements about ageism, and the rest were about teaching her kids safe sex and her album. So clearly it's high on her priority list.
               My sister used to work for a Doc at Northwestern University  whose clients were older. She carried a bag that said: Age Is Not A Disease and because she worked in it, she had and still has many passionate opinions about ageism.
                My mom was pushed into early retirement due to her age,and the accompanying health issues she battled. She was very capable at her job---arguably one of the best--but her age and ability demanded she be paid more, and someone younger can move more quickly and do more jobs for less money.
                And here we are at my job, a teacher, where they do not openly say anything about your age, but it is  frequently suggested that after a certain age you should take early retirement, mostly so they can hire a younger teacher that they can pay less, who doesn't know any better, and on whom they can load more duties.
               Which is not ageism. But if you have a mind to do so, you can call the union and sue the district for ageism. You would probably win.
                I am not a feminist. I am not an anti Ageist Activist. I am simply 49 years old and I feel like I'm 69 and I'm tired of feeling that way.
               I am also, quite likely, menopausal.
               There went the two guys who read my blog.
               And I have, sadly, suggested that an elder teacher in our building retire becuase it's clear he's "done". But is that his age, or the mileage?
              I pretty much feel "done" every year after the musical.  I blame my age, but really it's the mileage.  I hate that feeling.
              The issue was severely exacerbated last fall when I went down with bronchitis for two weeks. It effected my vision, and it still is not ok. Ask anyone who has received a text from me how good my eyes are. At the moment I am writing this at the "LARGE" setting because I can't see.
               It is not the arthritis, I've had that for years. It's not the weight, I've got that under control. I also have  the weird allergies and asthma that attacked me in my late 30's under control.It isn't the lower back pain, the swollen joints, the knees that sound like they have ground glass in them: years. Wrinkles? Gimme a break, they prove I've lived: character lines.  Stretch marks? Battle scars.
               It is not being able to see well.
               It is the bifocals.
               That is what is making me feel old.
               I haven't read a book for leisure in a year. I love books, I Love Reading, but my bifocals make it impossible to find a comfortable position with the "sweet spot", so I have to read without any glasses, and I get a headache and that makes me angry...and then I'm grumpy all day. So I watch a lot of TV now.
               Wanna feel old? Sit in bed on your day off and watch reruns because you can't see well enough to read!! I'm not supposed to behave like this until I'm in assisted living! The Hell?
               A Couple of years ago Jim tried to hike Bierstedt. We are not those people, and the lightning started right at he reached the summit, so he turned around. I didn't  even make it that far, my arthritis won't make it past the boulder garden. I admire the hell out of him for that. He just suddenly started making statements about  a Bucket List at 50, like he was not going down that easily.
               I can barely drive unless I know the route, I can't see street signs. Forget about hiking, I can't see where I'm walking. I'm terrified daily that I'm going to misstep on the stairs.
               Jim and I have talked about how many years I actually have left teaching theatre. Soon after I started at LHS I developed acrophobia, I actually start to get dizzy on the ladder. I stopped hanging lights four years ago, I can't be in the grid.  It's only 12' from the ground and I'm swaying and graying out! OLD WOMAN.
               It will not be long before I have to stop teaching tap dancing to my intro kids. Every time I do I come home limping, swollen knees and feet, mumbling at myself. My days of psuedo choreography are over, I cannot move the way I used to.  And....our makeup is always a hot mess, because I cannot see from the center of the house to the stage well enough to determine how it looks.
              These are things. They are real. If I am replaced by a younger person, would I cry "ageism"? Because the facts are that, due to my age, there are things I cannot do any more. Whether that's fair or not, It Is.
              My friend Brian Freeland once told me that "Theatre is for the young". This was a direct comment regarding me not getting cast. I was too old, fifteen years ago. What does that make me now?
               The Crypt Keeper.
                Now, Madonna. She still moves well. She works out and can do her job as well as she could at 30. However, there is a phrase Stacy and Clinton used  called "Age Appropriate Dress". Regardless of how great you look---and she does, she looks better at 56 than I did at 20--Shouldn't you alter your costumes a bit to indicate your maturity? Maybe to demonstrate that you've learned something over the years? At what age can you say "I am done proving my point" and just accept that you've proven it? Unfortunately in entertainment, so many women feel pressure to stay young, to look younger, blah blah blah. But those who refuse to play the game and rise above are generally regarded as Goddesses: Meryl Streep. Helen Mirren. Susan Sarandon. Dame Judy Dench. Beautiful, talented and sexy women who are done proving anything to anyone. And not a one in a leopard spank.
               I am not sure "ageism" is what Madonna is up against. I think she's off the mark on that one.
               Ageism is what I am up against. However, I am doing it to myself. Aside from harassing me pretty regularly about texts and rehearsal notes, nobody has said "You are too old to do this" but me. I am ageisming myself. And I should probably stop. Frankly it's making me grumpy.
           We just pulled off the most beautiful musical LHS has seen to date, and it absolutely repelled negativity. So my grumpy was redirected to the classroom and my husband. Neither group is happy about that.  Also,  I sit instead of stand during class. I don't necessarily need to, I just do. When I sit I feel like my Nana, hands in my lap. I feel like my Nana.  My Nana lived for over 80 years, I should not feel like my Nana, I'm 49!
           In conclusion, all in all, in summation, overall, I think we do this to ourselves. For whatever reason, we either misname or misunderstand or give up.
           For a woman whose theatre batttle cry is "Never Give Up, Never Surrender", It appears that I have done both.
           Maybe I should knock it off.
           Maybe I should go purchase a pair of leopard spanx and a torpedo boustier.