Who Needs Friends?

       This holiday, like many, my brain downloads.  Between the fall show and the musical, two weeks off, no real planning, my choices are limited. I can replay the semester until  I’m certain everything is wrong and work myself up once again over the budget, I can let go and move forward, or I can just sit and stare at the TV for a few days and let the thoughts download.

      That’s what I did. And the topic of friendships kept cropping up.

      And here’s my story, told in delightful, unrelated chunks and chips with the occasional rant.

      Harper’s friend was here yesterday, and said “My mom wants to go to coffee with you. She feels bad that I spend so much time over here and she doesn’t know you.”

      I smiled politely and said “Tell her thank you.”

      She persisted , “My mom really wants to get to know you.”

     “She’ll be disappointed.”

      She sat there blinking, and I felt obligated to continue.

    “I don’t have friends. I have colleagues, I have acquaintances, I have a husband and children. No friends.  It’s ok, it’s by design. I suck at it. I don’t like people. If she wants to meet me for coffee I’ll be rude, or say something wrong. “ I smiled and sipped my coffee on my chair in my home. Where I like to be.

    This exchange coupled with Genoa being back from her first semester of college to encounter the same high school bullshit she left  started a download.

    Not a sad one. I’m not sad. Occasionally Jim and I wish we had friends so we could have people over for dinner, and we’ve made conscious strides in that direction! I think we may have a couple of “couple” friendships. But like all friendships, they take maintenance and time and people have lives and it’s hard.

    You know that Meme: A good friend will bail you out of a jail, a best friend is in jail beside you?

Only once in my life have I been threatened with jail. In college, I was pulled over and received two tickets—one for not having insurance (which I did, it was just in Colorado and I was in Tx and that upset them) and  an expired inspection sticker. No biggie. I took the two papers the officer handed me and plopped them on my bulletin board. I then forgot there were two, and only attended one of the court dates. The second court date was when I went to South Padre for Spring Break. As much as I like to say “I went to South Padre instead of court” it was just a mistake. A warrant was issued for my arrest! I panicked, and immediately went to the Wortham Theatre Lobby to seek advice.  Because that made sense to me at the time. Curtis said “Run”. I called my friend Paul, who said “I’ll loan you the money” without hesitation. When I paid him back after the second court date, he looked completely shocked and said “I never expected to get it back.”

     THAT is a friend. 

     Friends feed you. Again, in college, I shared a house with two-and later three-other theatre kids. For my birthday they bought me groceries. Seriously.

I have no recollection of being anything other than a dick to any of these people, but they took care of me.

     I know what it’s like to not be invited. To have people stop talking or change the subject when you join. To know there is a party you, specifically, were not invited to.

    Or a wedding.

    Three of them, to be exact.

    The first two I kinda got, I am a jerk who cannot shut her mouth, and I had been mouthing off about the groom (#1) or the bride (#2) for quite some time. I did not like them, they were not good enough for my friends to marry.

    So they didn’t invite me.

    The third one hurt, however, as I have no recollection of deserving that snub.

    I have a Magic Santa’s Bag of high school snubbing memories, but who cares? We all do.

    The point is that I just accepted it and I’ve created a life without friends. I know for a fact (Jenny) will be offended, because we are  friends, yes, but she’s busy and I’m busy and she knows I love her and I’m not talking about her. I guess I have one friend.

     Both of my kids have my affliction. Neither makes friends easily. Harp has really made strides toward seeking out friendships, I admire that in her. G is like me in that she latches on to the two or three she has. She doesn’t function well in groups, and that’s genetic.  I go two ways at parties: I am the loudest entertainer there or I slump in a corner with a glass of wine with the ONE other person who feels the same way I do. CASE AND POINT: THE COOKIE EXCHANGE.

      My across the street neighbor  is relentlessly friendly. She knows everyone on the block, has thrown block parties in her backyard, and has a cookie exchange every Christmas. Several years ago my husband forced me to attend the cookie exchange, declaring that I needed friends. And bullying me into a holiday cookie exchange was his way of helping. So I reluctantly attended, and slumped at the counter with a glass of wine with the One Other Teacher at the party, and bitched about our administrators. So…I made one new “friend”, but not really as I only see her once a year.

     Except this year, when I went to Lannie’s Clocktower to watch  Indy Fire’s Burlesque debut instead of attend the cookie exchange. I took my children. Because I don’t have friends.  The dates happened to crash, and I’m so socially retarded I’m unsure if I should apologize for missing the cookie exchange. I doubt anybody noticed.

Merry Christmas. Who Needs Friends?