My Last Year Teaching

 

    26 July 2024

    I have to return to the building on 31 July for meetings. Students arrive 7 August. This will be year 22.

    There will not be a year 23.

     I have promised myself for my own mental health to set the deadline.

      In the words of Salieri "I'm slowly watching myself become extinct".

      I did everything right. I brought the theatre back: Thescon, Bobby G,  travel to NYC, scholarships, five shows last year---hell, one of my kids won a STATE wide activities award.

       But I can't stop the steady decline in building enrollment.

       I can't stop the revolving door in choir and band.

      I can't stop the change in administration.

       I can't stop the evisceration of performing arts at our only feeder school.

      I can't stop the fact that when you google our building a shooting comes up.

      The principal cut IB theatre.

       Then she cut my mid level classes, leaving me with only beginning and advanced.

       She cut tech theatre.

       And I have to return next week as half time theatre/half time LA 12. Leaving me no opportunity to recruit, or bring back IB, or even get a musical mounted.

       So. 

       I am clearly not wanted, so I will go.

       I can't put the energy in if I'm half time, and I will not. There's no point, that building does Not Want Me.

       So I will chronicle the last year of a 22 year teaching "career".

       Assuming I make it to 1 August. It's not looking great.

Theatre is Hard

 

    I'm writing this at 10 am the morning of the closing production. I don't mind naming them, because I have nothing negative to say, and my job is over so they can't fire me. But I am not naming them out of habit or PTSD.

   The last five years have been a very specific kind of hell. I am not alone, and I am not complaining; simply stating. Becuase if you're reading this, you live in the same country that I do and have your own hellscape stories. And while I will give lip service to appreciating the shift in lip service to taking care of one's mental health, the words are as empty as any other spoken to us in recent years. One cannot take care of one's mental health without expensive insurance, or expensive out of pocket appointments and meds. The mere fact that an advertising entity suggests mental health support is available to me, a regular person, when they know it is a lie is causing a mental health issue. I expect insurance companies and the government to lie to me. But now they're using "mental health" to peddle their pharmaceutical fallacies. 

   I do have insurance. I have Kaiser. 'nuff said, eh?

   I have used theatre as therapy my entire life. I tend to rework Tom Hanks' words in A League of Their Own.  "Yes, theatre is hard. It's the hard that makes it great. If it was easy, everyone would do it."  She was always there for me. She got me through high school, college, my twenties, parenting and teaching.

    Well, she was getting me through teaching, but that's another blog.

    After we reopened in 2021, I took every job I could directing and teaching. I stacked them--I would leave rehearsal early at Hinkley to make it to rehearsal at Mines. I worked like that for a solid 13 months.

    And around month four I realized...I didn't feel any better. Worse, my directing was falling away from me, I could feel it running down my arm like shower water, and puddling at my feet where it would evaporate. Gone. Moments, connections, techniques--even  mechanics were leaving me. One college show I actually wrote in my notes "I am sucking at this".

    There is the self preservation part of me that wants to blame a post Covid world. People have foggy brains, mental health struggles and students are afraid to be seen and separated from their phones. Combined, these elements make directing not just "hard" but frequently impossible. I used to drag shows across the finish line on my own; now I draw boundaries. I am no longer the one stitching and building and teaching and designing. It it fails, it's not on me. I hate it, and I hate that kids will allow it to fail. So that's a hit to one's mental health.

   Which is why I took the gig to direct Gilbert and Sullivan with a community theatre this summer. High school theatre has become impossible--there's more to that story but everyone's tired of hearing me bitch about admin--so maybe community theatre  would be better.

    I did not have to stitch or build. I did do a basic design, and had to teach a bit. From that perspective, it was better. The actors were all adults. They all want to be there. On the surface, this experience should have renewed my faith.

   It did not.

   This group of people are all heart, positive and dedicated. Yet I was a grumpy dick. I wanted to work at the level I had been used to ten years ago, only to be faced with the fact that that level doesn't exist in community theatre. Instead of doing what I used to--finding a way around it, making connections and building community--I wielded theatre like a scepter and whacked people with it. I hope you are appalled reading this; I am appalled writing it. This approach made my mental health even worse, and now I have guilt mixed in. I was punishing actors with theatre instead of building them up. And I knew it, and came home angry after each rehearsal. Great. I'm fine, it's fine, stop looking at me I'm fine.

    This is not who I am.

    The mental health hits, three known bouts of Covid and fights with admin have left my brain disconnected as well. I have to take notes and send rehearsal reports via email, I can't give them live, my brain won't form the words. I've tried to return to being the funny/sardonic director in the booth, and the same turrets- esque verbal salad is happening. Maybe it's early onset dementia. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's Maybelline. Whatever it is, I can't verbally communicate the way I used to, and I'm forgetting what I did or said five days ago. In June I pledged to walk every day, I  missed one day and completely forgot about it. I told this cast I'm glitchy due to the motorcycle accident almost ten years ago---which is somewhat accurate, that's when it started---but I don't believe it. The bike wreck rung my bell and disconnected irreparable synapses, but that is not the only issue. I've been told I suck by administrators for so long now that I not only believe it, but I'm living it. I suck at this.

    And so...in conclusion, all in all, to sum up, I'm done. 

    Theatre is hard.

    Too hard for me.

    Immma buy a llama and live in Delta and talk to no one.

    Scene.

Today's Contemplation-Commutes

 

    17 July 2024

    I had no idea that my commute was contributing to the decline in my mental health until this week. It's not the distance -between 28 or 34 miles depending on which direction you travel via my google map. I originally thought that was part of it, and it likely is. I refuse to drive I70 from Lakewood to Aurora due to the increasing number of commuters driving over 90 miles and hour and the decreasing--arguably absent--presence of police. The anxiety this combination creates has arguably caused a cornucopia of mental health issues.

    This summer, I have been subbing at what I call The Pony Preschool in Arvada. As suggested, the preschool farm houses five ponies, two goats and a pig. The children are treated to daily pony rides. I signed up for this because my mental health has deteriorated at an alarming rate, and the show I picked up to direct and keep me sane this summer is not working as it should. I hoped to cleanse my palate by engaging outside of the public school system, with an independent business owner who had chosen preschool and seemed like a good person.

    The choice was perfect. While the work is exhausting on my 58 year old arthritis ridden frame, my cognitive issues have quieted. I load 18 preschoolers on and off of ponies for thirty minutes of my day and my brain stops screaming. I delight in preschool speak. A very quick sampling:

         Me:  

        Yep, you have to pull your unders all the way up after you go potty, or your shorts get bunched up.

            I'm not the boss of  your water bottle.

            Please stop touching your brother.

            Do I look like a trash can?

            Is one googley eye and one paper eye OK?

        The Kids:

            Water is good, it tastes great and is good for us. Not like spiders.

            That is my oldest parent. (It was his grandpa)

            Which sister are you? ( My sister Karie and I work together, and look way too  much alike).

            Do you like my drawing?

        I have also encountered the true meaning of leadership while at the Pony Preschool. In my building, there is a lot of finger pointing and buck  passing because nobody is leading.  The director of this preschool, who had at least 10 teachers in the building at the time, walked down to the horse trough to retrieve a dead mouse. I can think of many reasons that is not her job,and only one reason that is is: her school, her responsibility. The move impressed me.

    That's all well and good, but it is not the thesis stated in my first paragraph.

    My commute during the school year is Lakewood to Aurora. Whether I choose I 70 or not, I pass a lot of homeless folks. A Lot. There  are encampments, solos, duets, folks by the hospital sleeping in a wheelchair, or under a shopping cart--which was am impressive demonstration of  flexibility as I watched them unfold from under the cart.

    My commute the last few weeks has been from Lakewood-Green Mountain, specifically- to  Arvada. West Arvada, specifically.  Specifically, 74th and Quaker. So the west edge of Arvada. I drive 6th to 93, and turn left on 64th. And I see...trees. Sky. Small businesses. School of Mines. More trees. Quiet neighborhoods. Trees. Tree lined streets. Sunshine. Commuters enjoying their own drive and not exceeding the speed limit.

    Know what I do not see? Homeless folks.

    It wasn't until this commute that I realized part of my commute misery is what I see along the way. I arrive at work during the school year not just physically tired, but psychologically exhausted by what I've witnessed on my drive in. I drive 50 minutes to arrive feeling like I've already worked all day. By exquisite contrast, I arrive at the Pony School feeling uplifted. Positive. Smiling.

    Smiling.

    Knowing I have a lovely return commute home keeps me buoyed as I schlep Biddle Bops on and off of ponies, glue colored cupcake holders to tongue depressors and escort the boy line to and from the potty and handwashing five times in three hours.

    And that's really all I wanted to share today. Your commute is tied to your mental health. Sorry if you already knew that, I'm frequently late to the party.

    Thank you for reading.

July Drivel

 

I've taken to writing bullet points. Thank you for indulging this lazy writing. It was 102 degrees yesterday, that's a good excuse for lackadaisical journaling. Scattered and out of order, like my brain. It's fine I'm fine stop looking at me.

* As of yesterday, 38 people have quit the building. I am not one of them, unfortunately.

* The Gondoliers opens next Friday. Today is sitzprobe and I am not there. Because I made other plans. Because I have a headache and  why do I need to be at sitzprobe, it's an orchestra rehearsal. And I am a pill. Mostly I am a pill. And fat. But that's another bullet point.

*I am picking up sub days at a pony school. It's physically more rough than I'm used to cause it's preschool and there's no where to sit. Hilarity ensues for the fat old woman leaning against the cubby shelves like Tippi Hedrin taking a filming break in her hobble skirt. Except I'm wearing a jumper and arthritis shoes. HA!

* It is  not a school for ponies, it is a preschool for human children that has ponies. And two  goats and a pig named Piggie Alan Poe. Which these children take for granted to the point that they will pass on their pony ride for the day. They "don't feel like it". Are You Kidding Me? If I was four years old and attended this camp or school, you'd never get me off of the ponies. I don't care how hot it is. Bring it bitches, I'm riding a pony. 

* And the reason I chose to pick up sub days at the pony school is that by July, I was on season 6 of DEXTER and it started to suck. May as well work. 

* Speaking of sucking, I am doing just that at directing this summer. I'm so stubborn, clearly both education and theatre are done with me, but I refuse to leave. Mostly because theatre and education pay my mortgage. Happy to go if something else falls from the sky. Everything gets solved if an asteroid falls on my head.

*Segue to asteroids. Last year, at some point, the news said  there was an asteroid or meteor or space junk that was passing close to earth. It was going to split up and possibly chunks would fall to earth. At 5.30 pm. So I left rehearsal and stood by my car at 5.30 pm, hoping to be beaned by a space rock. My stage manager, who was waiting for his dad to pick him up, asked what I was doing. I told him. "I'm waiting to get smashed by an asteroid." He looked at me with a side eye. I didn't laugh or let him off the hook. I simply stood by my car looking at the sky. He got into his dad's car and they drove away. He watched me through his car window as one does a wounded animal who may or may not make it across the road. When I was not mushed by a meteor, I got into my car and went home. Maybe next time.

* Somatic yoga is a thing. It is supposed to help us plus sizers strengthen our weakened scaffolding, and "release trauma". Many women are shown sobbing on their yoga mat in these advertisements. I did not sob, and I also only did about ten minutes a day. So instead of the full trauma release howl, I'm just experiencing  low level depression all day, every day. I don't want to do anything except binge Dexter. I venture outside once a day hoping for an asteroid, so it's a step above my usual malaise, so I know it's working. 10/10 recommend.

*Texas has ammunition in vending machines. In grocery stores. Buena Vista Colorado has one too. That's all. Just thought I'd mention that.

* Sometimes you spend your vacation money on fixing your fence and deck. Sometimes you spend it on groceries. What a great time to be alive!

*A preschooler asked my name. I blanked. I asked their name, hoping for a clue. It was "Bodhi". That did not help me, so I said to call me Bananaface. He  told  me I was silly and walked away. How do we forget with age how to do that? To just shrug and walk away.

* My cat Houston has been on the dining room chair for two days. She is alive. She is shedding. She is hot and not interested in moving. Good for her, making choices for herself.

* I lost my bifocals, and my old prescription is just off enough to make a true comedy of me both  writing rehearsal notes and reading them aloud to actors.

* My WW key is sticking. Must be done.

              SCENE

Reasons For Leaving #3.LOCKDOWN SOUTH

                                     Lock Down: Preferred District 

                                A scene written for radio, but easily adapted.

    Seene

it is the first day back with students in a suburban high school. They have been in meetings for three days previous, and are meeting early before students  arrive.

Characters

AP LIt, they have been teaching AP lit for twelve years. Before that they taught at the alternative high school in the district. They teach AP like they taught the alternative kids, with a lot of scaffolding and patience. They are the opposite of CW.

SHAKESPEARE they teach classical literature including Shakespeare and the Greeks. Their class numbers are dwindling, as it is considered an elective and kids do not sign up for harder classes voluntarily.

CREATIVE WRITING  They teach CW and Expository writing as well as Comp World Lit, Honors. They are used to students who are self driven and high achieving, with little patience for those who struggle.

                                                        AP LIT

                           Shakespeare,  You said I could have your Hamlet stuff, will you send it?

                                                    SHAKESPEARE

                            Hold on, I have to find it. Just a minute

AUTOMATED VOICE WITH  NON THREATENING TONES " LOCKDOWN, LOCKDOWN, PLEASE PROCEED WITH LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL. REFER TO YOUR LOCKDOWN CHARTS FOR THE RESPONSE TO CODE ORANGE.LOCKDOWN, LOCKDOWN, PLEASE PROCEED..."

                                                        CW

                                Did somebody press the wrong button again?

                                                    AP LIT

        That was fun, remember how panicked the principal was when they realized it had been triggered?

                                                    CW

     My window faces the front parking lot, I got to watch them run out to explain to the police cars that lined up.

                                                 AP LIT 

        My window  faces the teacher's lot, I missed the show. 

                                                SHAKESPEARE    

                    Which one is orange? Is that shut the door and keep teaching or hide and be quiet?

                                            AP Lit

                        Blinds, lock the door, keep teaching...

AUTOMATED VOICE WITH  NON THREATENING TONES " LOCKDOWN, LOCKDOWN, PLEASE PROCEED WITH LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL. REFER TO YOUR LOCKDOWN CHARTS FOR THE RESPONSE TO CODE ORANGE.LOCKDOWN, LOCKDOWN, PLEASE PROCEED..."

                                                CW 

                             AP, it's your room, lock the door.

                                                AP LIT

                            And miss the view from my window?

                                            SHAKESPEARE

                            View of what? There's my car! OOOOOH!

                                            CW

                            At least shut the blinds.

                                        AP LIT

   Hold on hold on, I'm finishing my Kahoot. We'll play when I'm done. After Shakespeare sends me their HAMLET stuff.

                                        SHAKESPEARE

        What did I call it? Seven soliloquies? It's not called "Hamlet"....

                                            AP LIT

                        CW, did you see Seven Psychopaths? Your boyfriend is in it.

                                              CW

            My boyfriend wrote it, hello, yes I saw it in the theatre fifty years ago when it was released.

                                            AP LIT

                    Well excuse the single parent for not going to violent movies.

                                SHAKESPEARE and CW (Steve Martin)

                        EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSEEEE MEEEEEEEEE!

                                                    AP LIT

                                                Drink bleach

                                                        CW

                                                We love you.

AUTOMATED VOICE WITH  NON THREATENING TONES " LOCKDOWN, LOCKDOWN, PLEASE PROCEED WITH LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL. REFER TO YOUR LOCKDOWN CHARTS FOR THE RESPONSE TO CODE ORANGE.LOCKDOWN, LOCKDOWN, PLEASE PROCEED.. (the voice is cut off by a human, clearly annoyed.) I realize it is the first day of school and you are busy, but there is a lockdown happening and teachers, you need to lock your door and close your blinds.

                                        SHAKESPEARE

                                    What's the Kahoot?

                                                AP LIT

                                    Of Mice and Men

                                            CW

                            You're doing that right off? 

                                         AP LIT

                        Hate it, get it out of the way so I can teach stuff I like.

                                        SHAKESPEARE

                        I had to teach Pride and Prejudice years ago. I never recovered. 

THERE IS A CLEAR VOICE, LIVE AND HUMAN, OVER THE INTERCOM: "ROOM 1149, WE ARE ON LOCKDOWN. LANGUAGE ARTS HALL, WE ARE ON LOCKDOWN. PLEASE CLOSE YOUR BLINDS."

                                    AP LIT    

                    (laughing) We're not the only ones! REBEL SCUM!

                                SHAKESPEARE and  CW

                        May the Force be with you!

                                    AP LIT

 I see nothing out my window. I hear nothing in the hallway. This is clearly a drill and they're just lying to us.

                                        CW

            Pretty sure the bank across the street got popped again. That's usually what is is.  You can't see it from your window....hey. Look! The AP is walking right toward us.

    VOICE from behind a window "What is wrong with you people? Shut The Blinds!" there is a banging on the glass "SHUT. THE. BLINDS!"

                                CW, SHAKESPEARE AND AP LIT burst into laughter

                                    SHAKESPEARE

              He has a masters degree you know. They hired him instead of Steve because of that.

                                            CW

                    I'm going with "Not A Real Lockdown" based on that performance. 

                                         AP LIT

                    You know he's a racist, right?

                                        SHAKESPEARE

                            And a misogynist. Ugh.

                                            AP LIT

                            OK, Kahoot set. Let me pull it up and we can play.

                                            CW

             I don't wanna play another Kahoot, I think you have a problem. I think we need an intervention.

                                        AP LIT

                                The kids love it.

                                        CW

       There are no kids here. I'm trying to get my syllabus done in the next twenty minutes, then I have to open my room and get it ready.

                                    AP LIT

                    Meaning you turn on your Zen music and light your fake candles.

                                        CW

                            The kids love it.

THE SOUND OF A DOOR BURSTING OPEN. The AP enters, mumbling loudly.

                                        AP

     You people are worse than the kids, you are the worst. Just shut the damned blinds  and lock the door, is that so hard? (Sound of blinds being pulled, footsteps leaving, door closing.)

                                     AP LIT

                    You send the HAMLET stuff yet?

                                    SHAKESPEARE

                    I'm still looking, back off, I'm on the trail.

                                         CW

            Why don't you use files? Put your google docs in the named files. It's a thing.

                                        SHAKESPEARE

  You do files, he Kahoots and I am disorganized. I don't want to use files, I like searching, it's like going through a closet. (pause) AHAHA ! Here! Found it. Sending it.

                                            CW

                    Can we leave if it's a lockdown? I need to get to my room.

                                        SHAKESPEARE

                Do we have to wait for His Highness to return and open the blinds to know it's over?

                                        AP LIT (regarding Hamlet)

                                    Got it. Wait...it's all soliloquies.

                                         SHAKESPEARE

                        That's the unit, we analyze the soliloquies and align them with each theme addressed.

                                             AP LIT
                        I'm not doing that,  I need the whole play.

                                            SHAKESPEARE

   Google Cliff Notes. Stuff it in a file. I teach Hamlet as a work of Shakespeare, not as a one off for an AP score.

        

  VOICE OVER THE INTERCOM "Thank you everyone (clears throat) for following lockdown protocol. We are now off of lockdown...." THE INTERCOM WHINES AND THE AUTOMATED VOICE RETURNS "DO NOT PANIC PLEASE MOVE TO YOUR ASSIGNED EXIT THIS IS NOT  A DRILL THERE IS A FIRE IN THE BUILDING PLEASE PROCEED TO YOUR ASSIGNED ROUTE"                    

                                                 CW        

                            That's my cue. Have a good year! (exits)

                                                  SHAKESPEARE

                                                    Eat glass.

                                                 AP LIT

                                            Best wishes, warmest regards.

    

 

            

                            

Reasons For Leaving #1.Dionysus, theatre teacher 2024

 dear friends, margins are a struggle in google. try to move past it.

Dionysus is male or female, or both.

Dionysius is sitting on stage, staring into the audience. He has a district chrome book or laptop in front of him on the stage.  He is seated cross legged. He is not in a toga but yoga pants and a long shirt.  S/He has a large goblet by one knee, and a plate of grapes by the other. Not drunk, but  clearly joyful and loving life.Very Christmas Present from A Christmas  Carol, Or Mau: BIg, Happy god type. Dionysis is  breathing heavily and chanting “the lips, the teeth and the tip of the tongue”

Mollie and Troy enter, Mollie leading. They speak to Dio who is not moving on stage. They speak and he lowers his mantra volume and nods in response  when they speak.

                   MOLLIE

         Good morning, Dio…

                 TROY

     Dio, if  we could have your attention please. We  have a question.

                    DIO

             Lips teeth tip of the tongue…

               MOLLIE

Thank you for  allowing us to do this on stage during your off period. Troy’s office is a bit small for three.

                  DIO

             Lips  teeth tip of the tongue...

                TROY

I wouldn’t need three if–I don’t need three– I  don’t need a babysitter, I am an assistant principal-

                     MOLLIE

–whose inability to silence their inner monologue, especially if it’s inappropriate, is why I am doing this with you.

                    DIO

        Interrupting their silly human argument.

                        Greetings.

 He takes a handful of grapes and pops them in his mouth.

                MOLLIE

Good morning Dio. Sorry to bother you during your planning time.

                    DIO

               I am used to holding court. You look unhappy.

                                                   TROY

We aren’t unhappy, if that’s what you are suggesting. Well we are unhappy…but …

                    DIO

Why look miserable? It’s a beautiful, snow filled day. My students  are equally  unhappy, daily. It is difficult to do my job among such GRIM… the lack of revelry in this school is vexing to me. Does nobody celebrate any more?

                    MOLLIE

Our students have a lot …going on… it is hard for them to celebrate.

                        DIO

All the more reason to come to theatre. Bring them all to me, we will dance together. Dio stands and stretches his arms to the sky. His face indicates the administrators should join him. Troy does so. Mollie stands and watches, grimacing.

        TROY

We’re here…we have a video…Mollie shoots him a look. He stops stretching but stays put. We need another observation for your evaluation….

        MOLLIE

Your evaluation is just fine, we–

            DIO

During this he stretches through a sun salutation to ragdoll to downward facing dog. TROY joins him half way through, seemingly transfixed.

I am still unsure as to why I must be graded. Am I now being graded because I did not have enough grades?If  I am a teacher, I understand that I am to grade students. That’s what Troy said. I have to grade, but I didn’t have enough grades in the machine. He indicates the chrome book. That was a bit fractured, I am sorry. Still emerging from my time with Zeus. To you it looks like meditation. I do yoga to return to my body.

                 TROY

Yes,I recall making a note on your  evaluation regarding your practice of using yoga for warmups.

                 DIO

You said I did it for too long. “Too much yoga”, to be exact.

                TROY

It doesn’t seem like that long when you’re doing it. He moves from down-dog to up-dog, smiling at Dionysus. How did I remember that just from watching? That’s down dog to up dog, right?                                                  DIO

                   Yes it is. Excellent job, Troy

                  TROY

Yoga burpees! Sun salutation, ragdoll,down  dog, up  dog, plank. He  does the moves as he states  them. Mollie stares at him until he stands still.

                 MOLLIE

The state demands accountability from each district, each district evaluates their teachers.

                 DIO

    Doing “yoga burpees” as he speaks.

    Who is your evaluator? Who grades you?

                 MOLLIE

                  I am an assistant principal, the principal evaluates me.

                         DIO

               Oh.Then that’s ok I guess. He turns  to TROY, who executes  a trust fall into his arms with complete commitment. Troy, you have become so trusting! Troy smiles. Good for you!

                MOLLIE

We know you came in under a difficult circumstance. As a probationary teacher you are supposed to receive two formal evaluations, but we have only done one so far. I want to go over it with you and with Troy,to clarify a few things.

                    DIO

On all fours  switching between “cow” and “cat”.

 Yes.

        MOLLIE

You did not  write  an SLO.

        DIO

Moving into three legged down dog.

Which one is the SLO?

     MOLLIE

Student Learning Objective.

     DIO

  Correct. I did not

                 TROY

How is a student’s growth measured?

                 DIO

            Switching  legs.

By height. I answered that when we met at our meeting. Height matters on  stage, the taller they are the more easily they can be seen. Dio demonstrates by stretching to his full height.

                     TROY

Yes…and I suggested using the rubric your colleague utilized from the Colorado Thespian Conference:Projection, enunciation, character development….

                       DIO

Sits on stage and puts the bottoms of his feet together to do floor stretches. TROY joins.

Can’t do any of that if you’re short. They won’t see you. Who cares if you can’t be seen? I knew a short actor, he was a satyr. Great guy, and a great actor according to your “Thespian Rubric”--- which I don’t remember Thespis having a last name but I guess it could have been “Rubric”- and he  has a whole thing named after him because he was tall—but the short guy, the satyr, nobody could see him on stage so it didn’t matter. You understand? If the audience can’t see you they can’t hear you. That’s what made Thespis great. They say he “stepped out of the chorus and spoke solo” but he really just towered over everyone and they were getting out of his way. He stepped over the chorus. Height is how you win theatre. He applauds himself and takes a  bow.

     TROY

                                   “Win theatre?”

                    DIO

Isn’t that what you want?  Your audience on their feet cheering? Isn’t that winning?

MOLLIE

We are a public school, our students are grateful to have the opportunity to learn  and perform. 

                        DIO

Good. Send me the tall ones then.  Also the short ones, I will make them tall.

                    MOLLIE

We  do not  discriminate against …shorter…height  challenged  students.

                        DIO

Who said anything about  discriminating? I’ll make them tall. Bring ‘em. That’s my “SLO”-to grow confidence.

                    MOLLIE

                Desperate for a change of subject.

Dio,Troy noted in his observation  that your students were very engaged, you are clearly an engaging teacher. But your Learning Objectives were not clearly displayed.

                      DIO

    Right. Where would you like me to do that on stage?

                 MOLLIE

 Your colleague, the band teacher, has a large white board she puts on the field when they are outside.

                 DIO

Yes, she got it out of our props loft.

            MOLLIE

Perhaps you could do something  like that

             DIO

                    Like what?

                    MOLLIE

             Sorry?

            DIO

                Don’t be sorry.

             MOLLIE

             What?

         TROY

             See?

                           MOLLIE

         Like the white board.

            DIO

                  I can’t.

                MOLLIE

                Why not?

            DIO

The band teacher has my whiteboard. Ba dump pssh. Rimshot. Vaudeville.  Fun  times. I  love that they give me credit for theatre, but I honestly just partied.I was the party god. Then I started paying attention. Hard to ignore them when they were singing dithyrambs to me.  He is lost in a memory.

        TROY

We talked about the length of your yoga stretching in class.

              DIO

        Did you observe behaviors?

         TROY

        No.

        DIO

Did anyone leave for the restroom and not return?

        TROY

          No.

        DIO

            Did they talk?’

         TROY

         No.

        DIO

Were they off their cellphones?

         TROY

         Yes.

        DIO

        Why was it an issue?

         TROY

Class is only 58 minutes, and you had them doing yoga for  20 of those minutes.

         DIO

Yes. How long have we been doing it?

Troy pauses. Looks at his watch.

         MOLLIE

Yoga  stretching eats into content delivery time. You had given Troy your lesson plan, which stated “stage combat”. But you only delivered your lesson  for 35 minutes of your full instructional time.

        DIO

And every one was engaged, balanced and nobody got hurt.

         TROY

        That’s not on the evaluation rubric.

        MOLLIE

Nor was it in your lesson plan, and you could easily write “balance  and safety” on a whiteboard  and place it on the …over on the side… for an evaluator to see.

        DIO

The “wing”. Vocab. Sure. Reaching for a goblet. Would you like some grape juice? I make it myself. Sips. I have a question. Why do I need the Learning Objective posted if the kids are doing it?They don’t need to read what they’re doing. Theatre is doing.

         TROY

   In case anyone from the district or state comes through,they see you have complied.                 DIO

Which goes on your evaluation,correct? Pause. This doesn’t make any sense to me, and I’ve asked the other gods who also say it is bureaucratic nonsense. Very human. If we don’t have time for it, and there is no concrete reason for it, we don’t do it.

         TROY

Dion…Dio…the fact that you insist on stating that you are a theatre god is  also a point of concern. The  students….idolize you.

         DIO

I am The god of theatre, not a theatre god. The  god OF theatre. I’m the reason theatre exists. I’m the reason I  have a job. Wow. Mind blowing, huh? I created my own employment.

    MOLLIE

That’s really why we’re here I suppose…that… and the fight. They do idolize you.

         DIO

That’s ridiculous, they do not. I know idolizing, this isn’t it. They just respect me. Like they respected Socrates. He was a good guy, he made me think. I learned how to teach from him. Before I just partied with the casts. You do not want to be methusko on my wine and swing from the deus ex machina, lemme tell you. That was the moment I knew I needed to change.

Mollie and Troy exchange a look “this is going  nowhere”. 

         MOLLIE 

Holds her phone for Dio to see.

We received this video of your stage.

From  the  phone we hear the  sounds of a fight; any fight, loud words,  furniture crashing. I recommend Road House for our own amusement. :)

This fight was yesterday, according to the time stamp on the video.

                                                TROY

You need to  get your  students and this theatre under control.

                                    DIO

Theatre is for everyone, I am not going to start locking doors.

                                    MOLLIE

This  kind of thing cannot continue.  A student videotaped this. Where were you when this happened?                                                    DIO

          I don’t know.

TROY

You clearly were not managing the learning environment–this is unconscionable.

DIO

You have cameras in here. Did this come from those cameras?

             MOLLIE

            No…but…

DIO

Did you check those cameras to verify the date and time of the incident?

TROY

We were going  to do that…

DIO

Those are not my students. Play it again. Mollie does so.That’s not my stage. He points at the phone . That’s a red brick proskene, this one is blonde.That’s not even this stage. Also, I see a whiteboard on the stage in the left wing…(he traces the phone screen with his finger) there, it  says “Learning Objective”…OH— There is a crash from the phone— but a kid slammed into it so  I can’t read what it was.  

MOLLIE and TROY are  silent, staring at the phone.

     DIO

  You didn’t look at the video taken from inside this theatre, because you assumed –based on how I run classes and my demeanor–that my kids would be unruly. That I would leave the theatre unattended and then there would be a fight. So you stormed down here under a pretense, to openly attack me. No–to falsely accuse me. Hoping…? What is your endgame? Which is a great play by Samuel Beckett. Absurdism. Which, frankly, I'm beginning to feel this exchange has become. Absurd. Negative. Your assumption that everyone else is the problem is why there is no hope in this building. I was only sent to investigate, to observe and report back- not attend meaningless meetings and have you grade me. You don’t get to grade me. I am a god. I came to assess you. Theatre is eternal, she has outlived war, famine, plague and incompetent leadership. Your school needs me, but thinks it does not. And so my assement is: I do not believe I will stay here. There is no joy.

                                                        TROY

                    Joy has nothing to do with theatre...

                                                        DIO

                                    Ok, you're the expert. Assessment over. I’m outta here.

                        He stands and stares at them.

You were expecting smoke or clouds or flying? You go. I will finish my grapes. He waves his hand dismissively. The humans are excused. 

MOLLIE  and TROY turn and exit. DIO shrugs,downs his grape juice and begins the yoga move exalted warrior. He laughs uproariously and shouts NEXT!

     Lights out.

   SCENE