No names necessary.
As someone who has been teaching and directing for twenty years, I have no patience with having my time wasted.
I am not a Big Enough Deal to direct Real Actors in Real Theatres. I'm just a clown that got lucky, they gave me the keys to the building and trust me. I am not respected in the community because the community has no idea who am. Getting a directing gig in this town is as rough as getting an acting gig, made infinitely more inaccessible by the influx of actors from Everywhere But Here. However, I Occasionally do venture out to audition, only for one of two reasons: It's within 20 minutes of where I live or it's a "Bucket List" show.
Today's callback qualified as the former, and is one of three times this company has done a show for which I am the right age. This will be the third time I've not been cast. But I'll audition next time, because there are few roles for my age, and it's 19 minutes from my house. And by the time they do another show I'm right for, I will have forgotten today's debacle.
The audition last week was fine, I showed up, they ran on time, I went home. The director said he'd let me know in 24 hours if I had been called back for today (Sunday, a week later). I received an email 48 hours later, stating that I would receive audition sides and a schedule within a short amount of time. I received the sides the next day, but not a schedule. Two flags on the that play.
By 8.30 last night, Saturday, before the callback, I had not received a schedule. I had two choices: A) shrug and figure I'd been ghosted and B) Be professional and email the director. I chose B. He responded that the schedule was sent at 7.45 PM on Saturday, the night before the callback, and if I did not receive it, he attached it. This was at 8.45 pm. Immediately on the heels of his email, the email from the SM came through with the schedule. 11 am was my callback time. I was sent two sides for one role. I was not feeling positive about how this was organized, friends.
I left my house at 10.30 to give myself time to park. I arrived at 10.50 with a handful of actors. The show has five people in it, so I was not expecting more than 15-20 people at callbacks. That seems like a reasonable number for a theatre that holds less than 200 people and is barely a paid gig. Even if they have procured an "ish" equity contract.
By 11.05 there were forty people in the lobby.
The first three groups were assigned, then immediately reassigned as the SM pointed out that some people had to leave early. It was a two page side that should take about three minutes to read through.
The first group was inside for ten minutes. Then the second group entered, and that's where I lost track of any cohesive schedule. They appeared to be taking individuals in and out, to mix and match, which is a thing you do after you've seen everyone. But OK. I was put into a group for my first reading (about four lines at the end of the scene) but we were not given a group number, or a time frame. By now it's noon and I've texted home to tell them I won't be home by 12. 30, which is a time that would make sense based on how very small the role is for which I was auditioning, and the time needed to read a few people for it, and the time I said I'd be home and we could go get lunch. I read through the scene three times with my group in the outer lobby, and nobody emerged from the theatre, nobody entered. We figured we had time. We chatted until we knew each other's lives, and then disbanded. We figured we had more time.
We did. We read at 12.15. We were then told to "hang around".
I made friends with a transplanted New Yorker in my group, only to learn that quite a few...no many...of the other actors were from New York. She was beside herself with the disorganization, and equated it to the non equity cattle calls she went through in NYC. I told her she was welcome to return to New York. But I agreed with her regarding the shit show we were in. She also said she felt safer in Brooklyn that she does in Arvada, and I again invited her to return to her home state.
The SM came by to tell me who my new partner would be, and I looked as she pointed over at the guy I had just mocked for taking my seat and touching my phone. Great. He was one man who was reading with several women. I asked the SM what the time frame was and she shrugged. So I said "I have to leave at two". I shoulda pulled that the minute I realized they were calling back a thousand people for the roles. Then I look at my new scene partner, who was reading with the same woman who he'd clearly decided was going to get the part and so did not have time for me. So I went into the outer lobby and texted home. Because it was loud and crowded in the lobby lobby, and by now, an hour and a half into a callback that should have been over by now, people were getting chummy. I am not chummy. In fact, I found myself getting grumpy.
I got bored waiting for my partner who had latched on to one of his other partners, a lovely, put together, thin woman with white hair who I decided was going to get the part based on her look. She was stunning. Couldn't blame him for wanting to read and chat with her instead of myself, who is clearly more Miss Piggy than she, so I toddled back into the lobby lobby, where the SM told me "You guys are next." So I looked at my partner who had weirdly appeared at my side and said "Maybe we should read through it?" We did, and he'd clearly made every choice based on the other women he'd read with. I could have been a broom for all he cared. So. I leave him and return to my lobby table, where one of my college professors is seated. We've also been chatting. She's 73 and we're reading for the same part. We begin to talk about finally starting our own theatre because Screw This Noise. While we're talking I note that it's 1.38. The SM emerges and takes my scene partner and the Stunning Woman he was rehearsing with into the theatre. Obviously, I was not next. I blame myself, If only I was a more attractive older woman, thin with white hair and striking black framed glasses, I would have not been line jumped. Alas, I am but a clown. I shrug and return to my conversation. Seconds later, the SM comes over to inform us that they've seen all they need we can go now.
Really.
You couldn't have done that twenty minutes ago?
I said "Cool, thanks, I'm out," and got up so fast I knocked the barstool over. I said to my former prof on my way "Really? Coulda cut me twenty minutes ago, not wasted my time." I'm pretty sure everyone heard me. I wasn't angry. I just wanted to leave. Their opinions are not my problem. I don't care.
And that's the honest truth. I Do Not Care.
I don't like the play, it's problematic on many levels. I knew when a thousand people showed up that this was a bad idea, I should have just stayed home. I'd like to work 19 minutes from my house, yes, and it's fun to act again, sure. But dude. It's almost 2 pm and I've been here since 11. For the smallest of the five roles! I would never waste an actor's time. I pride myself on quick, organized auditions and a fast cast list. Good directors do not need to take this kind of time making a decision. They don't. I promise. So. In conclusion, all in all, to sum up.
Do Better.
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