Guilty Pleasure 2

 

     repeating myself

    There are a lot of opinions among teachers and counselors regarding how each district or building is or is not handling Post Covid public education. All I will comment on here, is that I have had to repeat myself more frequently. Perhaps hearing loss is a side effect of the Covid Lockdowns. In our district, we were online for 18 months. On paper, the students were shuffled through an ineffective "session schedule" that gave way for an A/B "In Person" rotation that left 100% of the students confused. I was supposed to have ten students in person during Session 2/ B rotation and I had one show up every day. Sweet kid. He showed up in class in person, but the rest of the class who were on A rotation were not supposed to be in the building, were online. The B rotation kids numbered at 15, so in theory I should have had 15 students in class. Nice theory. They did not show up. All combined between A and B, I had 15 kids actually click into the meet for class. So I had 15 of the 31 enrolled in class clicking into the google meet, and one in the classroom, who also logged into the video chat while sitting five feet away from me.

    So that's how that went for the 2020-2021 school year. And that's when the repeating became more evident. And that's when I realized I liked the comfort. I would write out the goal on google classroom. Then I would click on the meet,  turn on my camera, and read the goal to the class. Five minutes later, I would have to repeat the goal for a student who logged in late or walked away from their computer .Fifteen minutes into class, I would check on those whose cameras were off, and repeat the goal. At some point, the sweet kid sitting five feet away from me would admit that he was lost, and I would repeat the goal to him in person. I would repeat the same words a minimum of five times within twenty minutes. 

    The comfort I felt was explained later when I saw a post on social media stating that when under severe duress, people tend to retreat into repetition. It was referring to binge watching the same shows during the plague days, which I was also doing, but the explanation rang true for my teaching style. I had become A Repeater. 

    One would think that habit fell away when we returned in person for the 2021-2022 school year. But no. In fact, that year was such horror, that the only constant was knowing I would repeat the same directions five times every twenty minutes. Students had ceased to arrive to class on time, and there was no indication that they cared one way or another about attending at all, let alone attending on time. The only constant that fall, as the restrooms were ripped apart as a Tik Tok challenge and Omicron, was my repetition.

    Things are not nearly as dire this school year, yet I find myself repeating directions, anyway. I am back to teaching my content in a semi normal way, so the assignments are not the same as they were during the plague. We are on our feet more, and instead of repeating every five minutes, or repeating for late comers, I repeat the instructions three times in a row at the beginning of class. If kids are late I make them ask a friend what is going on. Repeating myself three times at the top of class, and watching those who arrive on time look at me and nod, fulfills a tiny section of my cold black heart. I look forward to the beginning of class. I have the music chosen specifically as they enter to set the tone, and at the tardy bell I stand directly in front of the screen. Even if we're moving to the stage that day, I start class in front of the screen. I tried starting class on stage a few times, and found myself unsettled for the rest of the day. It is impossible to repeat this way, the kids are on stage in a circle and those arriving late are much more disruptive. This guilty pleasure may be more than just a pleasure. Or a habit. It may be a need.

    Gross. I don't have room for a need. So let's keep calling it a pleasure.