Dogs

 

     We call him "Danger Muppet". 

    He looks all fine, friendly and floofy, low to the ground and loafy, with shaggy cow patterned paws. But if he sees a dog he does not like, he will ramp it up and waddle right over at a whopping .005mph and attack. Remaining teeth bared and snarling snapping.

     I foolishly thought he was too old and fat to really move, and he was actually too beefy for his harness so I acquiesced to the leash only. His chest barely clears the ground, how fast could he go?

     A few years ago, he attacked another floofy dog at the dog park. It seems he hates dogs who look like him. So, we banned him from the park. He has been banished to the back yard, and to walks down the street ever since. He loves the idea of going for a walk. We get all of the head banging dance moves and excitement when we say "walk?" to him. He can hardly contain himself as he is harnessed. But by the time we reach the end of the driveway, which is apparently where he remembers what a "walk" actually is, he starts to slow down. If we walk too far--he can easily make it to the pink mail box, but not all the way to the Brown's house--he will stop walking on the way back down the hill. He will simply sit down in the street and look at me, an accusational expression on his face, suggesting trickery on my part.

    On this day, he was overdue for the groomer so the additional fur added to his heft prevented the harness from snapping onto his torso. So I allowed that he could wear a collar and leash, and off we went. 

     All was fine until we turned around at the mail box. He spotted a husky mix coming up the hill toward us. Apparently, even though I've never laid eyes on this other dog, it has been antagonizing Indie for years, and he lunged at him. I was able to pull him back, which caused him to stop altogether. Assuming we were now finished, as refusing to move is his universal symbol for "I'm done", he instead reversed his loaf shaped self and backed out of the leash. Before I realized he'd done so, he was headed straight for the husky at a speed I had never witnessed, which I judge to be roughly .005 mph (I don't know decimals). He growled and snarled and snapped, as the owner iced me with his glare. How could I be so irresponsible as to allow such a terrible dog on the street with good dogs?

    This is when the show got fun. As I do not move very quickly, either, due to a delightful concoction of arthritis, a motorcycle accident and knee surgery years ago- one of the reasons I like walking an older, fatter dog is that he matches my pacing-so when he decided to speed things up, I was unable to catch him, yet we were both moving at a slower pace than other dog walkers. It was very commedia, a lazzi at half speed, worthy of the likes of a super slow mo Jim Carrey "Let's look at that play again, shaalll weeee?" But in real life and not as funny, 'cause it's an old lady and her fat dog. I would have laughed had I been watching instead of participating. The guy with the other dog had a look of pure disgust on his face. I believe he thought Indie did not have a leash at all, and that I was just toddling up the street allowing my Danger Muppet to roam free as the scourge of W. Virginia Dr. had he been paying attention at the top of the previous paragraph, he would have known that Indie had a leash, he simply chose to back out of it.

    That's all the fun I have the energy for today.