This Is Why I'm LIke This: Why Eric Needs To Always Meet For Drinks On Thursdays

      Things I do when I'm not OK, made Funny

      Because I live 45 minutes from work, I've made a habit to stay "through" if there are conferences, rehearsales, etc. The last time I did this, for BTSN, I took myself to Wendy's and got a baconater. I have regretted it ever since. So today, since I have a S&D meeting and am staying, and Eric and I have been meeting to drink on Thursday, however, the Speech and Debate meeting interfered this week, I said "King Soopers is where I will go. It will be cheaper and healthier. Go me."
      Right out of the cannon we have a problem as the front doors are being blocked by some Do Gooders begging for donations. I don't make eye contact and duck into the store. Phew. I truly only have patinece for the Salvation Army Santa, and for Girl Scouts when none come to my house. Everyone else---register to vote (already registered) support this bill (already decided) marching band (came to my house)----pffft. I'm not rude, I try to avoid them if I can. If I cannot, I am firm but as nice as I can be, unless they cannot read social cues, and then I just keep walking. So, I made it past them on my way in and made the following healthy purchases for my lunch:
   a chicken salad croissant
   millet and  flax chips
   smart food popcorn
   wheat thins
   ICE, orange mango flavor
   cheese,  nut and grape snack pack
   an entire box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies
   a frappaccino
      All for $25!

   On the way out, I kept my head low and pretended I didn't hear the young woman speaking to me. But she stepped in front of me and I stopped, because I would have run over her.
    She looks at me and mumbles.
    "Sorry?"
    "Suicide prevention," she says, indicating her table with fliers and t- shirts. I shake my head. "I'm a teacher, we already do all of the things," and I kept talking as I walked away, trying to remember the name of the program we have in place at school. I realize something is not right, as I'm still talking when I get into the car "Sources of Strength!" I yell at the windshield as I open the Cream Pies and shove one into my mouth. If you eat your groceries in the car, the calories don't count. It's a fact, look it up. As I pull out, I continue to talk to myself "Those fliers aren't going to stop suicide, neither are the t- shirts, that's just silly."
    I start repeating "Park in the forum" to myself, as it's closer to my classroom and nobody's at school, so I'm allowed. We aren't allowed to park close to the school, those spots are for students and for the car salesmen from the dealership next door. I never get to park there.
    I realize my phone has no charge and the trip wasn't enough to give it a boost. I say to my steering wheel "Do I have a plug in my bag?" thinking I must have an edison plug to use for my car charger cord. I dig in my bag, removing the ziploc bag of dog food---there's a reason, hold on--and discover a plug. I shout gloriously to the inside of my car "YES, I DO, I have a plug!" and I grab my two bags of groceries and my bag, locate my badge and head for the door. Magically, my badge works and I am allowed entrance to the building. I enter my room  and unload the groceries. I pull out the plug, tell my classroom I have a plug, and retrieve my phone. I hold the phone in one hand and the plug in the other. The following words are spoken to my empty classroom:
     "Wait, shit, I don't have a desktop any more, I can't plug it into a hard drive....does my laptop have a plug in for the phone none of this works without a cord, where's the cord? I don't have a cord? How can I not---wait, it's in the car. I left it in the car."
      I walk back out to my car, saying "Keys, badge, keys, badge," and retrieve the cord for the charger. When I return to my room, the lights are all on. My favorite custodian is dumping the trash. He smiles at me and I say "Thank you," as I always do, and he apologizes for turning off my lamps. The flourescents are on, but he thought I was gone and turned off my lamps for me. Because he's nice.
     I now have a cord, an Edison plug and my phone. I stand with the plug in my left, the phone in my right, staring at the cord on my desk. "How does this work?" I ask the cord. It does not answer, it just lays there like a slug, like  Ralphie's brother, it's the cord's only defense.
    I manage to sort out how charging the phone works, despite my crippling disability. I eat my chicken salad croissant and am hit by a massive headache. I blame the salt in the sandwich, but more likely it's the creme pie, clearly I need to eat another one.I open my drawer and shake out a generic acetaminophen and try to remember if I had one already. I take only one as I cannot recall, and began to shove smart food popcorn into my face, chasing it with the mango ice. The creme pie requires that I unwrap it, my head is spinning and I'm not sure I can do that.
    I decide this is funny, I'm having a stroke or something, hilarious. I start to write about it.
   Then I sneeze so hard that I pee myself, triggering another sneeze that splatters popcorn onto my desk, triggering a cough and a panicked guzzling of orange mango.

   It's only 5 pm. The Speech and Debate meeting is at 6.
   I feel really good about this.
   Once my vision clears I think I'll open another creme pie.

ZIP LOCK BAG OF DOG FOOD. Because there are homeless people with dogs all outside of Coors Field. I never have cash, but I have bags of dog food for their puppies.