Dear AEsbestoES

  Asbestos is not spelled with extra "e's". I am aware.
  However, Aesbestoes is extra evil, and therefore I insist on misspelling it in the name of slander. Slander? Is that right? If it's written? I saw Absence of Malice in my JRNL 101 class one hundred years ago, I cannot remember the proper term. Slander, not libel, probably also defamation of character but don't bother me right now, I'm rolling.

  When I took over the LHS Mane Stage in  2008/2009, I immediately had an anaphylactic episode. I turned bright red, had trouble swallowing and broke out in a terrible rash. Long story short ( TOO LATE) I saw a GP, an Allergist and a Bio Feedback Specialist who all determined I had New And Exciting Allergies at 43 years old. They explained that it happens, sorry,  you'll be fine, take a Benadryl.  It was determined that Kentucky Blue Grass was a biggie ---I came home and told Jim he had to burn all his Texas music because I am allergic--cottonwood, some neat molds and they found...wait for it...AESBESTOES in my blood!

  So I returned to LHS and started asking environmental questions. There were rumors we had asbestos everywhere in the theatre, and clearly that was accurate as it was in my blood after 4 years in the building. I called a lot of people with titles involved with the EPA and the school district, and it was determined that yes, the tiles in my office were, in fact, asbestos. Also the tiles downstairs in the dressing rooms. Also the insulation cabling around every strip light cord.

  This man named Ron from The District with a title and letters, sat me down and told me the story of poor, misunderstood asbestos. (It wasn't evil yet, hence the spelling). See, poor asbestos is only dangerous--IE causes lung cancer--when it's airborne.
   I pointed to my chipped asbestos tiles, slowly disintegrating into the airflow.
   "Well, yes, like that, which is why we wax your floor every summer. To stop the spread."
   I pointed out that they hadn't waxed the floor that summer. (I will now point out my floor hasn't been waxed in six years. Tile is still receding, by the way.)
   I then indicated the chipped tiles downstairs in the dressing rooms. "Maybe you should pretend to wax those, too." I was feeling frisky and I felt like we had a rapport. He got me.
    I showed him the frayed insulation on the strip wires, which puff dust and, apparently, asbestos, into the air every time they are touched. "Should we wax the wires?"
    Ron From The District with a title and letters mumbled and said they would wax my floor, and left. I never saw him again. I heard through an email chain that it was determined that the asbestos in the office and downstairs was not a threat.
 
  In 2014 right after the lights died and were replaced and right before the renovation, somebody tested our theatre house ceiling for aesbestoes (it's evil now) and found it. So the entire theatre was shut down for 24 hours while we waited to hear if we would be open again. This is a SUB-saga of the "Renovation Story", for those of you reading along at home. At this point we'd already been shuttered for melted lights for six months. What they determined then was that YES, we have aesbestoes, meaning it had to be abated by men in space suits. They put a shower on stage---seriously, a shower---so they could rinse off before they left the theatre. Again, I wondered aloud to nobody why they couldn't just wax the ceiling.

  January 2017. I am minding my own business at home when my sink--for the fourth time this year--explodes. This time it has flooded the entire ceiling downstairs and along the wall.  This is Deep Freeze January, so no plumbers are available. I find one I've never heard of, and he cuts open the ceiling and wall to get to the pipes. Now that  is part of the "Kryssi's Plumbing Debacle" story, we are only skirting that story, like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. The plumber also found a gas leak, which was exciting. I had a candle burning downstairs and asked if I should blow it out. He said "probably". These are tense times, people, very little chatter. There is a second fellow in my house, this one called by the insurance company, whose job it is to blow dry my house and rip out the ceiling.  But First, he must run an aesbestoes test costing $475 out of pocket. It is required by the state of Colorado, but not covered by the insurance company who is in turn requiring the test.

  Pause: About five years ago, when the refrigerator ice -to-water line flooded the ceiling downstairs, we had someone from the insurance company come to our house. He took scrapings from our ceiling to test for aesbestoes. He left. We never heard from him again, and fixed the hole ourselves (Ed Ned, you probs have Mesothelioma. Sorry.)

  And we're back. So The Second Fellow From The Insurance Company's Recommended Blow Dryer Corporation, called us Saturday morning to tell us the  aesbestoes test came back "hot". Our ceiling has aesbestoes.

  So call  the plumber and tell him, call the insurance company and tell them. Second Fellow is almost hysterical in his need to get in and retrieve his blow drying equipment from our lower level. He seems very afraid of aesbestoes and doesn't want his stuff near it. He puts up plastic over the hole in the ceiling and the wall, and then leaves.

  Apparently, we are now waiting for the insurance company to OK the abatement --space suit guys-- and then the plumber can fix the pipes and then we can find a Third Fellow to fix the ceiling and wall that have been ripped out. At which point I again wonder why we can't just wax the ceiling.

  And I don't have a kitchen. If you recall from the beginning of this tale, the original issue was a backed up kitchen sink. So now everything from under the sink is on top of a counter, the dishes that were in the sink are being washed in the bathtub, and Second Fellow's blow dryers are still humming upstairs.

  So. In conclusion, all in all, to sum up: I HATE AESBESTOES and it has extra "e's" because it is extra evil.

  This has been a public service announcement.