61 Years Are Too Many: Circles

 

        11 October 2026

        Only six of you read this, please do not call SafeToTell I'm fine. I write to process and posting is part of the process. I'm. Fine. 

    "Sometimes a person has to go a very long distance out of his way to come back a short distance correctly."

                            -- Jerry from Zoo Story by Edward Albee

         Circles.

        Obvie circle of life.

        Trash cans.

        These two images that I immediately conjure are my thesis.

        These are the two circles I see.

        It also explains my mindset, who I am and where this is going.

        "This" being the authoritarian regime, public education and my mental health.

        If you put these two images side by side, they equal "life is garbage". If it was a rectangle, it'd be a dumpster fire.

        But they are circles. So. The trash can you imagine may be on fire or not. Usually mine is, but today it is not. Progress?

         Another circle closed this week. 

        I keep saying "closed" because a circle is closed. I thought about "complete", but back in 2015 counselors starting calling suicide "completed suicide" because it needed an adjective, I guess, and I've struggled every since. Because suicide is a word that contains any adjective you'd like to throw---completed, ended, unalived---unto itself. Why are we qualifying it? 

        Also closed is final. Complete is construction, surgery, grocery shopping. It's whole. Everything moves on and I guess you start another cycle.

        My circles close.

        Even though six people read this, I'm hesitant to name buildings. That's open ended PTSD that will never close or be complete.

        Building 1, Building 2 and Building 3.

        I was removed from Building 1, rescued by Building 2 and voluntarily left Building 2 before it went full Building 1 Redux, and was invited to Building 3. Different districts, different vibes. Closing circles all the way.

        I haven't been tracking the circles the way I should.

        This week's circle closure was a clear "snap" in my head.

        When I was working at Building 1 and doing Little Shop of Horrors, the retired teacher from our sister school came over to "help". He actually wasn't done teaching or directing, he had just Had IT with the principal. When he quit he asked if he could come over and help out, so I hired him and then fired him and he kept coming back. It is an hilarious and sad story, and if I ever see him again, it will be another circle closed. But the point today is that he designed the set design for LSOH.

        He had left his building abruptly, leaving his students to wonder what had happened. He sent his resignation through the US mail, knowing it would take longer to receive, and his job didn't post until almost the beginning of the school year. His seniors were both angry and confused.

        One of his seniors is now a social studies teacher in Building 3. She hopped on the theatre train last year as Tech Director, telling me she was a graduate of our sister buidling and knew my name from Building 1. Right? That is a circle unto itself.

        Her high school theatre teacher --who is the guy I hired after he quit her building--quit the summer before her senior year. She never really knew what happened to him. I laughed and said "Well, he worked for me for a minute before I had to fire him. He did the sets for Metamorphoses by Mary Zimmerman and Little Shop of Horrors."

        She will be helping my students design and build the set for LSOH in Building 3.

        That was a circle I heard snap shut. Like a plastic ring. 

        I can tell you already she'll be easier to work with than him. And last year I saw his training in her while we worked on Mamma Mia, but so far I see none of his missing safety morals were passed on. She's very safety conscious.

     The man poured paint thinner on burlap to stiffen it, knowing we had stage lights directly behind that heated up, and an open flame in the water for a few seconds.

        When I said plainly "You're gonna kill a kid" he shrugged "There are plenty, they can be replaced."

        That's how that went.

        When I told his former student, my current TD about that incident, she laughed and replied "He said that all the time." 

        He taught there for over 20 years. Seriously. You said that to kids?

        These circles are endings. But I don't know how many I'm waiting on to be able to afford to leave. 

        Because I am not still teaching theatre for the love of teaching theatre. I'm still teaching because I started only 24 years ago, and at 61 I can only retire at half my salary. 

        On which I cannot survive. And at 61, its impossible to find another job that would also offer insurance, because I'm not old enough for Medicaid.

        Greatest Country In The World.    

        So I just want a Circle Count to tell me how many more are needed to build a chain---one long enough to sustain me in a new job with insurance, or one like Marley's that I can just rattle around and scare people.

        See how I brought that circle around to a close? 

        More circles to come as I force myself to remember them.