How So Much Anger Has Deepened My Depression aka "Get Off Of Facebook You Twit!"

  When we were all in this together, sometime between 16 March and 24 March, there was hope. I  had friends and colleagues who did not hesitate to start stitching masks. They were exchanging them for other goods, bartering instead of asking for money. The art teacher who was taking money (or  wine or hand sanitizer) used the money to start a fund to help kids at her school. I went to four different stores looking for toilet paper for my inlaws, who had to quarantine. On Facebook there was a steady stream of trapped at home human beings doing the best they could by playing dumb acebook games like "Which Harry Potter Character Are You" and I wasn't annoyed, because they were doing what they needed to stay sane. To have a reason to get up in the morning. 

To stave off depression.

Then in all just stopped. Dr. Fauci and Trump got sideways. Our government embarrassingly argued over helping us get through this financially. George Floyd was murdered. Suddenly, Facebook was flooded with opposing political screaming and nobody seemed to care about one another any more.

Quarantine was hard enough. This sucks for everyone, we've all been hit emotionally and financially. We were there for each other for ten minutes, taking photos of our gardens and talking to neighbors across the street, and then it was over. 

Now, I don't dare click a news article and read the comments, it will send me into a tailspin. I read these nasty posts and I wonder if these people were always this horrible? How is it possible they have been this nasty for years and have anyone friending them on Facebook? The more likely answer is that they aren't handling this well. COVID has done one thing very succinctly: it has revealed who we are. 

It's not OK to say "Teachers are lazy and just don't want to work" when reading an article about schools going online. I question your reading comprehension skills, honestly, as clearly every article has stated "Schools may go online". This means teachers are working. "Online" is not code for "Not Working". How dare you scream at those who are educating your child? And how dare you suggest that when we teachers draw a line and say "enough" that it's because we're cowards and should "just go back to work." Again, please re read the article: we are working. We would simply like our own health and the health of our families to be taken into consideration, for the first time ever. We didn't complain when we were told we are bullet shields between a shooter and your child. But you've forgotten all about that, haven't you? Because you lost your job or had to work through the quarantine because your company went out of business or furloughed you or is a greedy business who cares not a lick for your safety, so you are taking it out on us.

This isn't our fault. We did not cause COVID and we can't solve it. 

There is the political hate that made me walk away from Facebook for a while.This country has decided its OK to be openly selfish and cruel, so calling someone a "Libtard" for wearing a mask in a state where it is mandated is fine. Writing "Open my gym faggot" on your truck window is perfectly acceptable during quarantine, because you have a homosexual Governor and you don't have access to email or a telephone to call and log your complaint. I suspect, dear, that you don't have a problem with your gym being closed, you have a problem with homosexuals. His sexuality has nothing to do with the closing of your gym, so why bring it up? Again, the governor did not cause COVID. He is doing his job and attempting to keep it from spreading. You're welcome.

Don't get me started on those who continue to gather and refuse to wear masks, or sending your kid to college on campus right now. I worry about all of this, and it makes me sick. Absolutely sick.See the previous paragraph "Not handling this well". This is how I'm handling it, by worrying myself sick and taking depression naps. I'd argue that is not handling it well.

You're welcome to support whomever you please politically, but you are not welcome to attack. I am so sorry you are in pain. I am too. None of our lives are going to be the same, and we're angry. And it's difficult to blame anyone, because as soon as you do it becomes political and other people yell at you. Stephen Sondheim wrote in Into the Woods "Of course all that matters is the blame, somebody to blame." Blame is irrelevant. Unless you've built a time machine during quarantine, and intend to return to stop this by identifying who is to blame, it's a waste of your time. It happened. We reacted. Here we are.

Now what?

You can't move forward if you're still screaming about something that's in the past. COVID is here. I know you're mad, so am I. But trashing friendships and alienating family members is not going to make this any better. Accept that you aren't handling it well, and move your focus to something you can control because you can't control this. OK?

And the next person who types that teachers are cowards or lazy will not impact me, because I'm not reading that crap.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Week One of Remote Learning In A Colorado School District

   I have to preface this by saying that I am not a successful remote teacher. I only cried once and that's because I thought my cat was dying. So, to be clear, I'm just tracking survival. Do not think this is a guide to doing this thing successfully. 

Monday Last day before kids. I've made friends with the new tech teacher who is from Columbine HS and is giving me major anxiety as she's clearly a real techie and I'm just Schleppy the Clown. I spent last week's district theatre teacher meeting in full panic as one of my colleagues has secured a ton of green screen and editing equipment and I can't even get a video from my phone to my email. If this is the future of theatre, I'm teaching a dead art form. 

My new colleague is wonderful, and I'm sure at some future date when I am not in survival mode she can help me live stream or something something from the stage because I am not playing the Brady Bunch scene work game, nor do I have green screen. Also, they're remote as well, so how is he using green screen? Now I'm even more confused and need yet another depression nap.

Tuesday First day live with kids. My class is from 7.30 am-10.30 am, so I got up at 6.45, laboring under the delusion that I could get morning chores in plus a nice walk or yoga time.  

I got my morning chores done.

I logged in at 7.15 saying the words "Don't forget to record, don't forget to record", and checking on the jamboards I had loaded.

By 8.45 the jamboards didn't work, only half of the class had shown up and the google doc I loaded didn't share. It's too early to start drinking and class isn't over, so I soldier on in google meet, waving my arms about the Greeks and forcing participation from these sleepy children, because the jamboard didn't work and I have no lesson plan without feedback from them. 

At 9 I realize I'm supposed to be recording. I click on the little snowman and there is no option to record. It was there yesterday,  but is gone today, just like the "make students a copy" button disappeared when I needed it.

Attendance is a different platform than classes, of course it is, so I have to toggle to IC to enter attendance. We are supposed to count them as present even if they log in for two seconds, but I didn't catch the name of the kid who did that, so I guess he's absent today.

There is a "Welcome" video from admin I am to show. I click on it, share my screen and the kids can't see it. We try again, and they can see it but they can't hear it. As 80% of  my lesson plans are dependent on video, I am a bit panicky. I make them watch it on their own and then return to class. This tech debacle took a good five minutes, and the video takes 23 minutes to watch. So score! It's almost 9.30! I make a note to call the building Google Queen and ask her why nothing works for me. 

I pull out my ghetto Greek slide show---it has been requested by admin in two separate buildings that I cease and desist using that term, but it's more descriptive than "crappy". Maybe it's a scrappy slide show, because I'm plucky. I dunno dude, it's a slide show. Nothing moves or swipes or blends, there is no virtual "classroom" or avator of me, it's google pics copied and pasted with my words flying about. I took a slide show class this summer and learned all of the moving and swiping and blending and even embedding video. I don't care enough. They're not going to like the Greeks more because my slide show was slick, and I don't want to take the time to change it, I've been using it for years. I have very important depression naps that need my attention, thank you.

Somehow, the Hamilton you tube clip works, and we can talk about economy of movement and focus. Because we're not in theatre and flat REFUSE to turn this into a film class, we're going to be expressive and specific and focused behind our laptops. I have discovered I'm very "Get Off My Lawn" on this subject. Hinkley has a film class. I teach theatre. They're still different even if we're in film's milieu, I don't have to give up.

Weds I decide to teach from my closed, dark theatre on campus. 

I haven't driven anywhere that required an arrival time in six months, and I miscalculate how long the commute is. Because everyone went back to work and I70 is once again a glorious shit show. But this time, nobody thinks they need to drive under 80 mph, and I'm almost run off the road twice. I'm doing 75, because I'm running late and the speed limit is 70, and five over is allowed. There are no police to be seen, which is why everyone has decided it's Mad Max on the freeway. I begin to worry it'll be like the LA freeway in the 80's and someone will open fire as they pass me.

On Chambers the light rail toggles descend, lights flashing, and I realize it's 7.20 and I'm five minutes from school.  Why is there even a light rail out here? I hate everybody.

I slalom through the COVID testing tents in our parking lot and jump out to make it to the theatre just in time to log on for class. I realize I didn't think it through, as I have a lap top and my intention was to give the kids a tour. See, I have a theatre tour on my phone that I took with my camera, but it's too long or big or whatever, so it won't transfer to my email so I can then transfer it to google classroom. I'm sure there's an easier path but I don't know what it is. Remember, I can't make a pear deck work. So I'm awkwardly swinging my lap top around the theatre, tilting it so the kids can see the stage and house as I repeat the parts of the stage. Since I'm not looking at my camera because I'm waving the thing around, I assume everyone has gone back to sleep. I start asking specific kids to repeat the part of the stage to me, and they slowly wake up.

Today I wave my arms about Shakespeare, show my "scrappy/plucky" slide show and again try the jamboard. Is it not working or are they not participating? I have an appointment after class with the building Google Goddess to figure out why there is no button that says "make a copy for students", and until I fix that, I have no way for kids to participate in the worksheets. I'll ask her about the jamboard, too. We have a standing appointment. I love her. So, I make them create a separate google doc and send it to me via email. I spent five minutes teaching a kid how to find a google doc. I spend five minutes walking a kid through google classroom to find yesterday's slide show. 

The Google Queen helped me after class yesterday, so I can now successfully turn all of my teaching worries over to You Tube. Crash Course is an online theatre teacher's dream. And I'm starting to realize, all that great support content-biographies, actor interviews--that I never had time to show are now open season. I never showed videos because kids were staring at me, jonesing to get on stage and DO. Now, they're at their kitchen table, or in their room and as we learned yesterday, getting them to DO when they are comfortably at home is going to be a challenge. They can't feel the energy of the space, the nerves of their fellow classmates, the cold air of the perpetually blasting A/C. I can cry about it or I can figure out a way to show videos that get them excited for when theatre does return.

Thursday I look at the mess on my dining room table and remember I was going to clean out the office downstairs and turn it into school. That's a great idea. I go out back onto the deck and log in. I hit "record" and break my arm patting myself on the back. I say "Don't forget PAA at 4" and write two sticky notes as reminders. My brain is mush. The google doc thing was apparently a glitch? It wasn't just ME! Many teachers were struggling with it, so I got that going for me. Also, she has no idea about jamboard and refers me to a lang arts teacher who is an expert. 

Today is their "What I Love" presentations. Aristotle's 6 are guiding this class since there isn't any acting that's going to happen, and we are focused on "diction" and "character". I have 17/23 kids logging on regularly after three days, and I'm taking it as a win that all 17 have written a two minute piece, some with props, about what they love.

We review Greeks and Elizabethan and I walk them through their asynchronous Friday. Which is of course Crash Courses with worksheets---cause the button came back so I could share--and a weekly quiz. The quiz includes a reflection so they can tell me how they're feeling, how their family is doing, etc. They are not required to write the  reflection. In fact, they can video tape their responses, or use flipgrid (which I totally don't get at all if you can upload video,whaddya need flipgrid for?) or a tik tok. One kid explodes "I'm doing a tik tok!" and I am not surprised, as he watches tik toks during our breaks. 

And I'm done with synchronous learning for the day. For the week! Immma stand up and get more coffee. I wander into the house, stare at the coffee. Then I decide I want a smoothie. I get the fruit out. then I have to go the bathroom. The kitten is thumping down the hall. I will follow her, I like to follow her. She jumps on Karen (who is an orange cat). I am delighted and wish I could be a cat. I then return to my computer, and start planning for next week.

Twenty minutes in, I realize I have no smoothie, no coffee and I Haven't seen Sock today. Sock is a cat. She usually comes up in the morning. I go in search of and locate her asleep on the footstool downstairs. She didn't eat, and it appears she's been throwing up.

This is ridiculously hard. Teaching is not easy in the first place, but scrambling to teach theatre online when all the "Interactive tech" you're given from google suite is really just stupid and not "Interactive" at all is ....exhausting.

And don't forget you have PAA at 4

****PAA at 4.30, I cannot put into words what frabjous joy I felt walking back into the church. Everyone is wearing masks, the kids are socially distanced, but they're there. They are present and flesh and blood, not a screen. And we can shout as loud as we wish because we're in a theatre, not at home. And we can roll around and stretch because we are in a theatre, not at home. I'm grateful they thought of me this fall, it's been 100 years since I've taught theatre live. 100. ONE HUNDRED. Don't argue with me.*******

Friday Faculty meeting, which is fine. I used to hate these things, but I appreciate them now. It's actual information about how to get through this, support and the constant "we'll get through this" mantra. There's more technology every day someone's excited about, but no pressure to use it if you don't want to. I don't want to. I'm good. Gimme google meet, google docs, you tube and a way to upload phone video and I'm solid. I'm a little worried about too much video, so after the meeting I look around You tube for tutorials instead of clips of shows, and find a college whose kids did isolation combat that's hilarious, they had to fight themselves. STEALING. Also found a young kid who does voiceovers, and keeps saying "I'm not good at explaining this" but he's demonstrating it beautifully. AWESOME.

I also received a note from my AP that I need to remember to take attendance, but I have been. To back myself up, I go into attendance and look up the kids: Yep, marked absent. She emails back that there seems to be a glitch in the matrix. Some kids are being marked absent for their am class and the system is also marking them absent for pm.

Sock did not get up or walk or eat. I called the vet, who can't see her, so I called his colleague.

I also emailed the parents of the 6 no shows all week, offering assistance if they are having trouble finding the google classroom. I got on google translate and wrote one in Spanish. I hope google translate is accurate, cause I have no idea. But I liked saying I was the "profesora". That was cool. Makes me sound like I have a PhD. 

I do not have a PhD.

This whole tech thing is going to get better when more districts are online. That's sarcasm.

I got on this morning to grade. 13 of the 17 who are showing up did the work.

I'm taking it as a win.

SATURDAY Sock jumped up, ran outside and is basically an ass hole.