I have had stupid arthritis in my feet since high school. Even then I wore wrestling boots or combat boots out of comfort, not fashion. I had to wear red pumps for Anything Goes and it almost killed me. I would force my feet into those shoes on show nights, and occasionally on school days, masking the crippling pain they caused and trying to look like I belonged in a ZZ Top video.
Except those women did not grimace.
My mom had my grandma's old 1940's and 50's patent leather and suede pumps that I would wear periodically. I believe shoes were just made better in those decades, I had no issues in any of the pumps. Maybe because they were a size too big so I could manage, and the black suede 1950's kitten pump looked freaking awesome with my pink leopard print pants. I loved those shoes, I wore them until 1987 when they were stolen along with everything else I owned...but that's a different story (burn in hell Arlington, Texas).
I have long been an admirer of the jean/heel combo. From wedges and bellbottoms to pumps and Brittanias to Karen Walker's suits, I just know that if only I could pull off that look, my life would have turned out much differently. And by "different" I mean "better".
In high school I could wear the combo for a day. In college I wore wrestling boots or tennis shoes or capezio jazz shoes because that's how a theatre major rolls. When I started teaching 10 years ago, I tried again to wear a heel, but I couldn't make it from 146 to the copy room without my gait significantly slowing and my posture shrinking until I looked like an 80 year old. Just give me a cane.
I have given in to Stacy and Clinton's love of pointy toed flats, hoping that will throw people off and they will think I am fashionable. However, for a pointy toe to work on me with my swollen toe joints, they have to be a half size too big, causing me to clip-clop along like a horse. So I don't look or sound so much fashionable as I am,in fact, galumphing and I sound like a Monty Python sketch.
Even my Doc's have started to cause me pain! No! Punk rockers do not die, but they do get arthritis. I have tried to buy flat boots the last few years, and regardless of the cushy Gellin' Like Magellan insoles I still only make it about ten feet before I start limping.
And barefoot is just Right Out, I walk on the outsides of my feet causing delightful balance issues. If I teach mime or combat barefoot, the kids think I'm drunk. So I got that going for me.
Of course my Arthritis Shoes, Teva sandals with a tread, are the only thing I can comfortably wear besides tennis shoes. And apparently, tennis shoes are out unless you are 80 or a gym teacher.
Then there are my tap shoes.
Why in all Blue Perfect Heaven do I continue to teach tap in my Intro classes?
It hurts to put the the shoes on, it hurts walk in the shoes, it is excruciating to time step in them and after two, nintey minute classes back - to -back I have to pry the things off of my swollen, weeping feet AND ice my inflated knees, because I am 80 and my knees are bad as well as my feet...and my hands, I also have arthritis in my fingers, but that's not today's lesson. I do not use my fingers to tap dance.
None of these things would bother me if I could just show up for school wearing a cute pump and a dark wash, designer jean. I would look fabulous and put together and nobody would know about the arthritis.
Okay, granted, I can Show Up wearing a cute pump and a dark wash designer jean, technically, yes. I just cannot climb out of my FJ and up the dock stairs in any fashion that is timely and does NOT look (and sound) like Yoda.
Hold on hold on...waitwaitwait...
Arthritis gets me Yoda status?
Who needs pumps and denim? Gimme a cane!
I will stand in 146 at lunch and say "How you get so big eating food of this kind?"
Yep. That is what is happening. I'm good.
Happy Thanksgiving.
