Monday, January 4, 2021

LESBIAN HALLMARK CHRISTMAS Treatment (copyright ME)

                characters

      A 24 year old lesbian massage therapist is struggling with the Big Questions after her salon was shut down during COVID. Her name is Jamie. Even though there is a now a vaccine, and even though the community supports her, the experience made her skittish. She has been taking classes online to finish her BA but is unsure of what to do going forward. 

        A 26 year old gender fluid person named Eddie has come to the small Colorado town where Jamie is shutting down her spa to see a friend from college, Paula, who is struggling to keep her resteraunt open. Both Eddie and Paula suffer from severe bi polar as well as borderline personality, and so make strange attractors, even when the friendship "falls apart". Both have made great strides during the shutdowns with their respective disorders, helped by the fact that both of their careers have been impacted. Eddie is a musical theatre performer who was working part time service jobs to fill in the gaps. Paula and Eddie did drag shows together in college, Paula would drag male, Eddie would drag female.

        John runs the local small theatre, which during the summer time is a tourist draw with many named Broadway and TV performers on the cast lists, mixed with locals.He had to go on unemployement and worked very hard to receive a PPP so he could pay his administrative staff during the shut down. He turned his shop into a make shift PPE manufacturer, keeping the community stocked with masks his costume crew stitched, and hand sanitizer his stage hands bottled. He has not opened yet, officially, but his wife, who is an amateur photographer and son have begun to play a comminity Christmas Pagent. They are wife Paige and son Kenny, who runs his own little radio show from their attic that the older community supports.

          Ted is the local realtor and mayor. He seems old for 30 as he's conservative both politically and financially.

          Bud runs the fishing tackle/ski shop/barbershop on the strip.He has lent a hand to Paula, as her stage hands are few off season. But is in his 60's and while he is an entrenched member of the community, nobody knows much about him. He tends to show up when needed, and has a wide variety 

       plot

             Eddie's destination is Durango, not Creede, but they know Paula has a restaurant there and they want to stop and see how he is. Paual is not on social media, which has nothing to do with accessability, she just doesn't like it. Eddie is interested in seeing their friend and the small, respected theatre. They have applied and auditioned to perform at the theatre the last four years, with not even a squeak of interest. As long as they're driving through, they may as well kill two birds with one stone. Paula lives in an apartment above her restaurant and has told Eddie they can stay as long as they like. Eddie is not really very interested in Duraango, they are toying with the idea of getting a Masters Degree and thought they'd drive down and spend some time in the town that the college is attached to.

             As Eddie enters town, passing the broken train tracks as they enter, the town is decorating for Christmas. The town is not a "quaint, eastern sea board" town or a "quant, midwestern town". It is a hard fought, dusty, small Colorado town with a specific charm all its own. Instead of hiding its history, it leaves it out for everyone to see: collapsing barns, snow washed liquor store with a small bar inside--Eddie had never seen anything like it---low buildings built for endurance through the winters, all of which have changed hands at least a dozen times over the decade, and a small bedroom community, floating off toward the mountains, begun in the early 2000's, small, brick ranch houses that look out of place in this area. Eddie drives the one block through "town" and notes a massage spa, another liquor store, a real estate office, three restaurants and the theatre.

           Jamie is struggling to find any Christmas spirit as she's talking to the local real estate agent in her spa, which is really a store front with a massage room. As the only MT in town, Jamie hires additional help in the summers for the tourist crowd, but now those rooms stand empty. She is telling Ted, the realtor, she thinks it's time to leave. Maybe she'll go back home to Denver. She's been doing online school during the shutdown toward a BA, but she does not really know why just that she wants out of MT.

          Paul is struggling to reopen. He is fortunate that during the shut down he was able to continue with take out, since Creede is such a small town. The three resteraunts on his block all recieved PPP and combined forces, borrowing one another's kitchens and staff, to start a delivery to the folks in the bedroom community. When the snow starts here, it locks everyone down, and it can be difficult to drive the short mile into town. The combined menus and collaborative work was what they all needed to survive, but now they are all faced with the reality that soon, things will re open in their entirety and they wll have to go back to running their own business. Paul isn't sure he wants to do that any more, and is thinking he'd rather turn his place into a bakery, or a bookstore. He just needs a change of pace. He is in his kitchen with his girlfriend, unloading a delivery as Eddie drives through.

         Ted, the realtor is also the mayor. He has decided that the Christmas charm of past years in this small, western town, needs a solid reboot. He has no evidence that anyone intends to visit this year, but the vaccine has been out for nine months and the summer people who trickled in kept the local businesses afloat, and gave him hope. He is a relentless social media user, who follows ideas and trends regularly.What he wants to do is use Jamie's empty rooms to set up photo booths so visitors can get those old timey, western black and white photos taken. John's wife has agreed to loan her equipment, and their son has also agreed to help.

      The community is mostly willing to do this, but not if Ted asks, as Ted was a vocal anti masker during the lockdowns. Their small community only had two spikes, thankfully, and they did not lose anyone, but they believe Ted was the source of both spikes as he was the only one making regular trips to Durango and Alamosa. Ted knows that there is resistence, and his biggest obstacle is Paul and the other resteraunt owners. There was a showdown when Ted insisted that they remain open in June of 2020 to accomodate the few travelers they had driving through. The Restaurant Collaborative (or the Restaurant Cranks as Ted called them) refused to open their doors and instead, collaborated by creating a block long patio on both sides of the street that all three resteraunts tended to. Ted saw the opporunity to take it a step further, and in July he shut down the main street so the patrons could be outside and still receive service. This was a successful strategy in other, more touristy, mountain towns, but Creede does not have T Shirt shops or candle shops or a cute local signs shop. They have one antique shop that the owner crowned "All Things Dead" in homage to his favorite movie, Roxanne, and he has no time for importing or creating anything that seems remotely "touristy" or "cute". 

     in conclusion all in all to sum up 

   The community will come together to decorate, and to rethink their strategy to attract tourism again. After all, the reason the rail road tracks are torn up is that they didn't want anybody in their town. they decide if they can put up a pagent, that's a solid step as the theatre is a big summer draw. They also  decided the abandoned ranch west of town should be reinvented, and horseback riding should be offered. Someone will need to manage the ranch, which has a few cabins still standing, it just needs a lot of work, and a few horses. There's a main lodge that used to have a kitchen. It will require more hands than they have available in town to keep it going, and maintained during the winter when only the few brave visitors seek them out. Ted has a connection to a horse rescue, who need additional land for their horses. They can care for the horses, offer rides and adopt them out as necessary. Paul agrees to move in and start renovations, he did renovate his restaraunt single handedly, and his girlfriend agrees. The restaurant coalition agrees to rotate the menus and lend staff to run the lodge. The theatre crews agree to run housekeeping at the lodge during the off season, and John knows that many actors and designers have expressed interest in staying longer than the season but they need a pay check.

     Jamie is asked to move her business into the lodge, and she acquiesces as long as she can keep her storefront in town as well. She will need more staff as well, eventually, as she still wants to finish her BA. Eddie is asked to participate in the Christmas Pagent and ends up being a performer and director when John comes down with a cold and has to quarantine, since not everyone in town has been able to get the vaccine yet. Ted pitches in as a peformer and wears a mask. Jamie and Eddie meet and walk around town, hike, ride horses, fall in love and Eddie decides to stay. Awe. Jamie is able to get Ken a line on a scholarship to a state university for his radio work, he will leave next August.

   plot points

      Eddie and Jamie meet as Eddie enters the spa to see about booking a massage after their long drive. Jamie recommends a hike first, as there is an old lodge nearby that is a short, pretty hike. There has been no snow as yet, but it's cold so they bundle up. Eddie has to borrow Jamie's jacket and hat.

      Ted, Paula and the other restaurant owners argue over re opening protocols. Since they are a tourist town, the Collaborative thinks they should require masks inside and leave the outside, main street dinign option open for another year. Ted thinks everyone who wants a vaccine has had one by now, so just open and stop telling people what to do. Ted has not been vaccinated, and says he will not, he thinks the government can track him if he gets it. He says this while snapchatting on his phone and sending emails on his lap top. Paula makes him a tin foil hat. Ted is not amused.

      Paula and Eddie revive their college drag show at the Pagent.

     There is an unexpected snow storm, a family and small group of college kids headed home for the holidays are delayed in town. They must be accomodated, somehow, so they are spread out among the community. This group creates a musical "Wagon Train" number for the pagent, and they pitch in to help clean out the lodge.

      Ted misgenders Eddie every time he sees them, finally agreeing that "they/them" works because he sees two people there. 

      Paula has always loved horses, but renovating the restaraunt single handedly has kept her from fulfilling her dream. She's always looked longinging at the abandoned lodge, but knew she was not able to run it by herself. She takes hikes up there and day dreams. It's her special place. It is also where Ted goes to day dream, and one day they are both there and they connect. ish. Opposites attract.

    There is a local high school, somewhere, but the students are far flung and from other small towns. Most live in the bedroom community, they're there, they don't do much. They're like elves, they just show up to help.

 

Why Do We Need...

 

  Why do we need the DAV and Wounded Warriors?

  Because the military is not taking care of the men and women who commit their lives to them.

   Why do we need animal shelters?

  Because people cannot manage to care for, love and FIX their animals like responsibe, higher level thinkers. Somehow the memo got missed that we are their caretakers.

 Why do we need Medicare?

  Because the for profit insurance conglomorates do not care about the average person and their medical needs.

  Why do we need the FDA?

  Because someone needs to punish us when we, as a community, step up to help when our government is unable.

  Why do we neeed the IRS?

  Because someone needs to bully us during a pandemic, when we've lost our jobs.


  'merica.

                   SCENE

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Menopause, Covid, Depression or...Dementia

 

    Over  last nine months, the guestion  of "why has my brain stopped working" has had only three possible answers: covid, menopause or depression. Three choices to explain why I've lost the waffle maker that I just put away, or buy taco seasoning every time I visit the store because I think we are out. We are not out, there are about 73 packets in my pantry. I do the same thing with ketchup and spaghetti sauce.

  I am hesitant to make light of something so deeply horrifying as dementia, which is why I will not blame it for my current state, but it may be time to add the word as a fourth possible answer.

  First, one must overlook the fact that I deliberately ignore health advice. I lost weight on Keto knowing it couldn't be sustained, but who cares, I lost 25 pounds. I knew I'd gain weight in March when the empty shelves in the grocery store gave me enough anxiety to buy what they had, which was muffin mix. Then I had to make the muffins, you can't just have mix sitting in your pantry next to the ketchup mocking you. I  know I do not drink enough water, that I drink too much alcohol, that I do not exercize. There is no need to point these things out to me, I'm an adult. I've always had a trait that causes me to specifically ignore advice that I know is good for me. Is there a word for that? (Clearly the word is "stubborn").

  Once you overlook my stubborn refusal to "Just Do The Thing" and clear up whatever the current issue is, the humor of my mental canonballs is revealed. 

  That is, until the anxiety rears its head again, and nothing is funny any more.

  Roller Coaster, party of one. 

  I have had little to no anxiety since March. Even over Christmas, my usual screaming, screeching mind was only whispering. With the new year, in fact the very first day, Anxiety decided to make a comeback. I could not think, I revereted to old patterns and found myself feeling defeated. In the process, I was lectured by my 23 year old daughter who has had enough.

  It's so comforting to just give into anxiety and let it fuel you. It makes sense, because it pushes me to be active. I have been inactive for so long, I suppose it was an easy excuse.Anyway, there is a lot of self discovery involved her that nobody needs to read. I sat down to write because my brain is mush. It's something familair that I recognize.

  I had a friend text me before Christmas about her husband's birthday. I read the date wrong-which is a common issue with me, I also frequently text garbage, I blame my eyes-and thought it was this week. So I mailed a birthday card last week. Facebook send me a notification that my friend's birthday is tomorrow, and I immediately knew something was amiss. Why yes, yes,  her text clearly has the proper date written down, and I decided it was a single digit number. So now my friend has weirdly received a birthday card almost two weeks early, and once again those who know me are forced to smile and say "It's OK, it's not a big deal", but I do this all the time. I struggled with dates before I was old, I had no idea it could be this bad.

Monday, December 28, 2020

You Have To Commit

 Enjoy my first shot at a short short maybe screenplay in decades.

   

      Green Mountain, a western  suburb of Lakewood, an older, quiet community whose residents use "Nextdoor" instead of "Facebook".

      The King Soopers parking lot. There are many Subarus and Toyotas in this middle class grocery corner, which includes a liquor store, a Pizza Hut and a Chiropractic office.

   Leigh, in her fifties, exits the grocery store. As she gets into the car, checking underneath as is her lingering habit from younger years, and looking in the back seat, the man simply opens the passenger door and gets in alongside her.

  Pointing the gun at her head, he says "Drive."

 She looks at him levelly and does not move.

 "Didn't you hear me, lady? Drive or I'll fucking blow your fucking head off."

 She opens the driver's door slightly and throws the car keys onto the ground. "OK."

 "Bitch, I'm not joking, open the door and get the keys."

 "Bitch, I'm not joking: no."

 He waves the gun but does not fire it. 

 "If you're just going to sit here, I'm going back to the liquor store, I could use another bottle of wine."

 "Fucking move and I'll fucking shoot you, bitch."

 "Yes, we've established your text, however I don't think you've done your research. What is your intention?"

  "To shoot you."

  "Wrong. You need a car. Your intention is to get my car. I have now placed an obstacle in your way. If you are not committed to shooting me, you will not achieve your goal."

 "What?"

  "They're just words unless you mean them. You clearly do not mean them."

  "Try me."

  "You see your choices here, yes? You can shoot me, which you clearly do not intend to do, or you can get out of my car, which you also are clearly not doing. You force my hand, young man."

  She pulls a prop gun out of her "New York" sling bag. He puts up his hands. "Argh,"she grumbles,  she shrugs and opens her door. She gets out and marches to the liquor store. He watches her from the passenger seat, gobsmacked.

 She returns and he is still in the passenger seat." Seriously? The keys are right here," she throws them at him  hitting him in the forehead and walks back to the store."One note: Commit. Mean what you say and follow through."

  She walks into the liquor store a second time and reports her car stolen. She then waits for the police.

_______________________________________________________________________________

 He drives from the King Soopers parking lot west to the Safeway, which has another liquor store, a second hand sports equipment store and a pizza joint. He again opens the passenger door on a young lady who was preparing to exit her car.

"What." Not a question, or an exclamation. Just a statement.

 He waves the gun at her head."Drive or I'll blow your head off."

 Adjusting her weight only slightly, she presses her temple to the barrel of his gun. "OK."

 "Look, I'm not kidding."

 "Clearly you are, as you are not following through. But your voice is good,and the look in your eye says 'I'm crazy don't fuck with me'. Your acting is on point up until the trigger pull.Your research is incomplete.

 Pause.

 "I'm not going to drive," she throws the keys in his lap "So your call, Brad."

 "I'm not Brad."

 "I'm not driving." 

 Pause.

 "I will give you snaps for the Pinter pauses, Brad, but let's commit to a choice here: shoot me or get out. I'm not driving. I made my choice." 

 Pause.

 "The fuck is with you people up here, are you all related?"

 "Yes. Sure. What?"

  "I think I just met your mom."

  This gives her pause, and she hesitates a moment too long.

  Waving the gun. "Bitch, Drive.

  Waving her finger. "Brad, no."

  Pause. Pause. She adjusts her weight and begins to make a fist, indicating she is prepared to punch him. He watches closely, and she looks him in the eyes and then releaxes, her energy spent.

 "Okay, I'm bored. You have two choices here. You can shoot me or get out of my car. I don't see a third option, Brad, and I'm done repeating myself."
 

 He tosses her keys back to her, and they fall on the floor at her feet. She doesn't move. 

 She holds up two fingers.

 He pauses. 

She puts her head to the barrel once again. "A piece if advice? Find someone who wants to live. This approach is tired, Brad." 

He opens the door and spills out the passenger side, running for the liquor store.

 "Well, that was fun, huh?" She looks in her back seat where a man is bound and gagged. "So where were we? Oh, yes, you tried to grab me after work and it didn't really work out for you. Turns out I can defend myself, and pound you into submission in the deal. So. I'm going to dump you out here, in just a minute, and you're going to disappear forever. Agreed?"

 He nods. 

She pulls out a knife. "Now to make sure you can't ever, ever bother a woman with your silly penis again...." 

__________________________________________________________________________________

 He stumbles into the liquor store, waving his gun at the female clerk who passes out immediately. A male emerges from the back and  starts yelling at the man with the gun. The TV in the far upright corner of the store is playing the movie Tremors.

  "The fuck is wrong with you, ass hat? Waving a gun at a clerk like that? We're a liquor store, genius, not Ft. Knox. Hold on--" he exits to the back and returns with an ice pack, which he puts on the young lady's chest while bundling his hoodie under her head. "She's working for a living, jerk, trying to adjust back to the world and you think you're all that with a fucking gun."

  "What's wrong with her?"

  "What's wrong with her?" He stands up to get the remote by the register and turns down the TV "A guy pointed a gun at her on her first shift, that's what's wrong with her. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep employees here, man? It seems nice and safe because it's a nice neighborhood up here,but nobody wants to work in a liquor store, dude. Especially a woman. Thanks."

  "Why are you wearing a mask?"

  "Covid, dickweed, remember? I'm not on the hierarchy to get the vaccine yet. Shouldn't you be wearing one? Based on our current situation I'd say you're not a health care worker." He considers, "You might be a teacher, though." He laughs at his own joke. "Get it? 'cause they're underpaid and got the vaccine...that was a good one, man, whoo---"

   "Fuck do I care if I get it? I never got it, so who cares."

   "You can still pass it on you know. Not everyone has been vaccinated. Also, that's old news dude, the new strain---"

  "Open the register."

  "No."

  "What."

  "This job ain't worth my life man, and I'm not leaving her head on this nasty mat. You do it. It's not hard. There's a key at the top. Just turn it, it'll pop right open."

    "Brad" fumbles with it and can't get it open. "Safe, open the safe."

   "Can't. It time locks after six pm, you should know that, didn't you do any research? You can kill me, and that'd suck, but it won't get the safe open. The Wells Fargo guys will be here tomorrow morning at 9 to unlock it."

   "Brad"returns to the cash register but has to put down the gun. He  absentmindely hands it to the male clerk and opens the register, shoving the roughtly $200 in his jacket. When he turns around, the clerk has his gun on him and the young woman is waking up.

  "You have two choices here. You can go or I can shoot you. But you aren't getting your gun back, this place is wired with cameras and the cops are on their way." He tosses a plastic bag at him. "Take the mask, if you're going to hide in this neighborhood, you need to look like you give a shit."

   "Brad" leaves and turns left. The manager yells "Go right, the neighborhood is right through the gully." 

   The female clerk wakes up, sees the manager and the gun. "Hi!" he smiles "Welcome back. Sorry about that, it seriously only happens once in a blue moon, as they say. Although since the lockdowns and all, it has gotten a bit worse, like once a month.  That's why we always have two on at night. They never shoot. Are you OK?"

  She looks up at the TV where Michael Gross is yelling "Looks like you broke into the wrong goddamned rec room!"
   ________________________________________________________________________________

  Leigh is in her kitchen, opening a bottle of wine, the TV is on the news and she's scrolling Nextdoor and laughing. She's reading notifications out loud.

 "'There is a blue Hyundai that keeps driving by our house!' I love this guy, he still hasn't figured out Lyft."

  "'I saw a coyote up on W. Virginia Drive!' Me too, they're everywhere, Dear."

  "'Car break ins are on the increase again. Lakewood PD does not seem to care, get yourself a Ring doorbell and publish their thieving faces on social media!' Yep, that'll do it Grandpa. OOH, proof! Here's Ring video of a dog pooing on the lawn 'Whose dog is this?!!!"

   Shaking her head, she looks up at the TV and sees a live report. From the TV, a reporter is standing in front of the gas station across Union, just across from both the Safeway and King Soopers. 

 " Thank you, yes, we have very little information right now, but it appears this is the site of a car jacking gone bad for the car jacker. Brad Harper was filling his tank when a man forced himself into the passenger seat and demanded that he drive. Brad, whose two year old daughter was in the back seat, refused. At that time, the would be jacker moved to the driver's side and tried to forcibly remove Brad from the vehicle. During the scuffle, the would be thief shoved what Brad believed to be a gun into his side. Brad, who holds a conceal carry license, pulled his own gun. The man fled, unharmed, and Brad is being treated at St. Anthony's for a cracked rib and minor bruises. This is  Bananface McGee for 9 News."

   There is a key heard in the front door lock. It opens and voice calls "Mom, hey, can I get that rice cooker?"

  "Sure, if you brought my knife back."

   The young lady ascending the stairs is the same one who had a man tied up in the back of her car. She enters the kitchen, pulls a bloody kitchen knife from her bag and washes it in the sink. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to steal it, I thought it was mine."

  "I think you do it so you have an excuse to come back for dinner every week."

               SCENE

 

Friday, December 25, 2020

square state educator: "in person learning", act two

Trying my hand at satire again. We'll see how this goes.

Martin School District Community,

As the Martin School District Board of Education, we would like to update you on where we are with our plans for  second semester of the 20-21 school year, meaning January of 2021. Board members voiced strong support for a return to in-person learning for all students in grades Preschool through 12 and teachers voiced strong support for a vaccine before returning to in person learning. It is currently our intent to return to in-person learning for the second semester through a hybrid model. The hybrid model allows for a phased-in approach as recommended by public health officials. There is no plan to provide the vaccine to teachers before we return to in person learning as it will  not be availalble until later this spring.However, since everyone seems to believe the vaccine is available and have flooded the malls this season, it looks bad if we keep school closed. Also Florida is open, so we feel bullied The proposed model is the same model created for October of 2020. The model was not implemented due to a predicted Covid-19 spike in the community. Public healthy officials predict a post holiday spike, which will likely occur around the same date that MSD plans to return to in person learning.

The in person hybrid model divides students into groups “A” and “B”. One group attends school in person on designated “A” weeks (Monday-Thursday) for two weeks, unless that week has a holiday Monday, then it is two weeks and a day. Or if there is a snow day, or state testing Wednesday, then it is two weeks plus Monday and Wednesday the following week.  The other group attends school in person on designated “B” weeks (Monday-Thursday) unless there is a holiday Monday, or state testing Wednesday, or a snow day. All snow days will be remote. Fridays will remain no contact A Synchronous days, which will stay until the school year ending 2022, as it gives the custodians a day to deep clean and is actually moving toward a four day school week, which would be awesome and we support but the community does not. When the "A " Group is attending in person, the "B" group has logged into class from home and is completing A Synchronous work aligned with the class content for those two weeks, except for Wednesdays when group "B" will log in Synchronously and participate live with the class. The district will continue to provide one Chrome book per student and one per teacher, so teachers should ensure that on Weds they stand in the clearly marked, blue taped sqare in front of their laptop in the classroom, as we do not have the budget for cameras or lighting to accomodate the teacher moving about the classroom. Should there be a Covid-19 spike, we will return to remote learning for all students, but teachers should make plans to stay in the building and teach from their blue taped square, to provide consistency for our students, which is so important to the mental health of our students. After two weeks, the "B" group switches to in person learning and "A" moves to remote. Teachers and students will follow the protocol set forth by public health officials, and must allow no more than ten students in class at a time, desks facing forward, masked and no food or beverage in the room, no eye contact or forced breathing or talking. Teachers may choose to build a plexiglass booth around their blue taped squares, at their own expense, for additional safety. Students are welcome to do the same around their desks, since they will not be changing classrooms and may as well move in. As long as they leave before 11 am, as no students are allowed in the buildings after 11 am.

Please note that some class sizes cannot accomodate only twenty students total ( ten in group "A" and ten in group "B") so some classes will have to extend their schedule to include a group "C", which will involve creating a new calendar with more than four weeks in a month and includes an additional day in the week. Group "C" may attend the same weeks as group "A" at either an early morning time (4 am-7am) or afternoon (3.30 pm-6.30 pm) or on Saturdays, unless there is a state college entrance exam sheduled, in which case Group "C" students will attend on Sunday. Once the schedule is agreed upon, this students will attend on the new eighth week day "Blursday".

The choices as to which classes shall return to in person learning is up to individual buildings. We recommend allowing all sports to practice per CHSSA regulations after school, and leaving gym, art and performing arts electives in remote learning because they breathe too much. Also, some buildings may choose to  have in person learning in the morning session, only, allowing students time to get home for their pm remote session and giving the custodians time to clean the building. Teachers, whether hybrid or remote/synchronous are all expected to teach from their blue taped square in the classroom, including A Synchronous Fridays. If a teacher builds a plexiglass booth, it is their choice as to whether or not they teach from inside the booth on A Synchronous Fridays.

 Preschool students will NOT be divided into two groups and will attend school every week on Mondays-Thursdays. There is no plan for plexiglass particians, as preschoolers are petrie dishes and will touch everything, anyway.

 Please note these are the exact same plans that were in place in October when the predicted spike hit our community, and the district closed all buildings.

 We will confirm our plans by Monday, Jan. 4. We have strong plans in place and we intend to return to school in person as long as health data do not negatively impact our ability to implement our plans.Please note that if there is a predicted spike after the holiday, we will remain remote and none of this will matter.

Enjoy the break with your families.

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

DODGEBALL: The Post Covid Team From Denver

Written with love and respect for those who created the movie DODGEBALL and the lovely commentators, Pepper and Cotton, as well as Best In Show, and Fred Willard...I guess that makes this fan fiction...


COTTON Welcome to Dodgeball 2021, I'm Cotton McKnight and this is my co-commentator Pepper Brooks...

PEPPER Sure thing, Cotton, co- commentator is like co -writer or co -cook, isn't it? It seems silly, we aren't co -anything,  co-pilots? I wonder whose idea this whole thing was-

COTTON Tonight we are here to introduce the two teams that wil lbe competing for the final gold!

PEPPER There isn't any gold, it's just money, money's green, Cotton-

COTTON From Denver, Colorado, we are looking at a team that has thus far fought their way into the top two slots. The team consists of --

 PEPPER  This is Sarah, Cotton, just "Sarah" like "Cher"-This competitor means business, she's a health care worker whose husband was also in health care. He died in August from Covid -19 complications, and both of her adult children are in an adjacent industry-spas; massage therapy and cosmetology, and they both had to move home since their unemployment will not cover their living expenses. She's determined to win, and will use her portion of the collective winnings to pay off either her house or her student debt from med school.

COTTON The next competitor, Leigh Rhodes, seems to be a bit more spiritual about her contribution-

PEPPER "Spiritual" or "depressed", Cotton? I can't tell the difference any more.

COTTON Ahem... as a theatre teacher her job was never in danger, she just had to adjust to teaching online for the year, and while she did not lose any family members to Covid,  her admin has informed her that the budget cuts looming for next year will likely shut down her theatre. However, she has tenure so they can't fire her, and she is five years from retirement. Her portion of the winnings will allow her to buy five years from PERA and retire early. She tells me "It'll work or it won't, those are the only options".

PEPPER I find that outlook to be refreshing. Maybe "spiritual" is the right word, Cotton...

COTTON: Sure. Our next competitor is planning to use the prize money for a kitchen renovation. Gizella Callae is a self described "Positivity Addict" and refuses to stop smiling. She's a librarian who has been in and out of "furlough" this year, and her husband has been unemployed due to downsizing since just a month before the first shut down in March. He received a good severance, though, so she's ready to play positive and believe in the good of the game.

PEPPER I have no idea what that means, Cotton. This husband and wife, who refer to themselves as "The Old Couple", are playing together for the first time since- I can't read this, Cotton, so let's just say "Vacation on Mars"-were the owners of a popular Denver restaurant. They were able to hang on through the first lock down by doing curbside pick up, and they opened their patio during the second lock down, but the cold temperatures and limited seating made it more expensive to stay open than to just close their doors. They wish to simply retire to a smaller community and work at a grocery store, maybe get a llama. Cotton, don't llamas spit?

COTTON I have no idea, Pepper, why don't you go find out? As the second youngest team member, this competitor graduated in May of 2020 with a degree in political science. He has returned to school online to work on his masters in social work, hoping to work in the mental health industry by this time next year, when he believes there will be a "major need" for those with the proper training. His winnings will be used to pay off his student loan debt.

 PEPPER This young man is a former gymnast and gymastics coach who has been teaching in a public school for the last few years. He seems very focused...laser focused...even angry... Cotton, I would not get in his way.

COTTON Pepper, I'd stop talking right now if I were you, he's looking right at us. Don't make eye contact... The next team member is a stay at home mom who recently entered the work force when her husband lost his antique business during the first shutdown. Known to her kids' friends as "The Cookie Lady" she was able to parlay her skills into a full time job at a bakery which has survived by doing deliveries during both shutdowns. Way to go, guys!

PEPPER Is that the drag queen baker delivery? I'd sign up for that, Cotton!

COTTON No, Pepper, it's just a bakery. That delivers baked goods. The drag queen had to drop out of the team last week, she injured her ankle in a delivery accident. 

PEPPER People, you need to both shovel AND SAND your walks!

COTTON Eddie is a musical theatre major at UNC, and (flips paper over twice)...and that's it. He's the youngest team member and the only one wearing leg warmers.

PEPPER They are wearing leg warmers, yes.

COTTON The whole team?

PEPPER What?

COTTON It doesn't look like they are all wearing leg warmers.

PEPPER You're looking right at them. Cotton starts shuffling papers, Pepper realizes what is going on and while he loves a good laugh, has no interest in embarrassing anyone.

PEPPER  indicates something on the page. Eddie prefers "they" or "them" to "him/he" or "She/her".

COTTON They are wearing leg warmers. Eddie is wearing leg warmers.

PEPPER Leg warmers were big in the 80's, Cotton, remember?

COTTON What year is it now?

PEPPER 2021! Whoo!!

COTTON I do not remember the 80's, Pepper, time has lost all meaning.

 PEPPER The captain of the team, and its oldest member, was a career newspaper journalist whose career has first seen every department, and then every paper she worked for, shut down. She was working for the theatre industry, writing reviews and promos for the touring shows, and began editing health news for the Kidney foundation during the lockdowns. She has written seven books of poetry, seven of which have not been published, and contributed to over twenty autobiographies which have. She just wants to hit something,Cotton, the winnings are inconsequential.

COTTON Folks, that's our team from beautiful Denver, Colorado, on this beautiful day--

PEPPER Cotton, it's two degrees out.

COTTON It's still beautiful.

PEPPER Yes, if you're inside. 

COTTON Where are we, Pepper?

PEPPER (Looking around the interior) Oh, well, sure, but from here I can't see outside, so I have no idea if it's beautiful or not, but John Denver liked it here a lot, Cotton, he really did.

COTTON And that's our team from Denver, folks, we'll be back with their worthy competitors from Gainsville, Florida.

 PEPPER (slams the table with his fist) Alligators! Awesome! 

                                      SCENE

square state teacher: please do not ask how it's going, just pass the wine.

 

   I've been trying to sort out how to write about this debacle, and make it funny, when I realized the memes have already done it. The Meme Gnomes know that a picture is worth a thousand words, but they added a few words, anyway, to alter the meaning and now I can't write about remote teaching because it's all been said in memes.

    I hate technology. 

    I do not know how to create a meme, and I refuse to learn. I also refuse to tik-tok, snap chat or instagram. In addition: I refuse to capitalize any of those applications or whatever they are and I am unsure why. I doggedly insist on refering to the internet as "The Interwebs" and Facebook as "My The Facebook".  

    I am a delight.

  All of this was hilariiously quirky to students and collegues until August, when the reality set in.

    I teach theatre. By definition theatre needs a live audience, otherwise it's film...(or masturbation, thank you Mr. Albee) Period. I have been very gracious in allowing students who are forced to be on their Chrome books to call what we are doing theatre, as they are technically "alive" behind their screens. I have not been gracious at all when they ask if they can record their performance instead. 

    Will you be recording your performance in front of a live audience, like SNL? We have had class conversations around sitcoms and talk shows, determining that as long as there is a live audience, it's theatre.Which means that they can perform for the class behind our cameras, because we're live, and we'll accept it but only under Covid Lockdown. They get bonus points if they perform in front of their parents or siblings. 

    So, if you record yourself alone in your room and post it in google classroom, is it theatre?

    No.

    It is not theatre. For what that actually is, see above and make your choice.

    I allowed myself to join with another building to create a "Virtual Whodunnit" with kids from both schools. Six of the eight actors were from my building, I soon realized "collaboration" meant "I don't have reliable kids". Which was fine, whatever, but it's not THEATRE and I hated it. Nobody really believes we're going back hybrid in January, regardless of the district's directives, and that means I will have to do another virtual peformance.

   My stipend relies on it.

   I will not receive my theatre stipend if I do not produce a performance outside of class of some kind.

   Money drives everything.

   I wish it didn't, in a perfect world I can pay my bills without this stipend and just spend time getting to know the kids and planning our glorious return next fall. Frankly, I've had a lot of fun with my intro classes doing The Odd Couple scenes with sock puppets. I don't believe forcing them to adapt improv games to a Brady Bunch screen is an effective way to teach theatre. I have chosen, instead, to teach them how to build a sock puppet (it's a prop), create costume pieces for it, and perform a scene from the hated Chrome Book (read the script, tilt the screen, create differentiated voices for the characters, maniuplate the sock puppets=multitasking and performance and infinitely more creative than saying words into a screen, repeat).I just went off paranthetically, that's  a new one.

   There is just too much, non teachers ("Non Teachers" What is wrong with me? "Not Teachers...wait...was that correct?) cannot possibly understand, so when they ask "How's teaching theatre online?" I just shrug.

    If you ask a teacher, and get a shrug, just nod. Smile. Hand over that bottle of wine.We've spent all of our energy trying to live through this, we have no energy left to explain to anyone else how we're living through it.

   We aren't even sure that we are.    

   Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.