The Quarantine Bouncing Ball

Here is how Jim and I spent weekends in quarantine. And a Few week nights.

At first, the game was simply to watch a movie with an actor from the previous movie-IE Dianne Wiest is in Birdcage, so we chose Parenthood next, because she's also in that movie. We figured we'd do it two or three times and that'd be it. How long could we be in quarantine?

The issue became how many choices an actor can afford, and the need to choose a film that can connect to another actor.

We also added the addendum that they must be films we own, but at one point discovered films we used to own have been loaned out, never to be seen again. So we did have to Netflix one or two. BUT it had to be a film, not a TV show and nothing on the internet. And something we owned at some point. 

Also, Jim decided somewhere that he opens his phone and reads all the movie trivia as we go along, which is an additional quirk to the game.

Then we decided, quarantine was ending, we should end this and start a new thread watching everything we thought of watching but didn't because it wouldn't connect. So we had to find a path back to the original movie, Birdcage, but not repeat any movies and choose a different actor.

We chose Robin Williams.

We started the  Bouncing Ball the weekend of 22 March, and today (20 June) we are on for watching the final movie of the game.

This is how we got there.The game invited a lot of spirited conversations,and Jim spent time at work trying to connect movies. We also deviated a time or two to honor an actor who passed, or to double down realizing we'd made a connection mistake, or just announcing "We're off the bouncing ball, we're watching this." But whatever we watched was always connected, somehow, and with Patrick Swayze it was just...hovering. He made a lot of cheesy movies, man.

What we discovered is that Jim has a lot of movies and I do not. And most of his have Tom Cruise or Bruce Willis in them. Mine have John Malkovich or Gary Oldman. His  movies connect more easily, but the actors double up and we got confused when we would try to choose the next movie while drinking. Which is a necessary element to the game as well: you must drink. We played a drinking game during Princess Bride with Harper and her friend and it was the best time we've had in a while.

All in all, to sum it, we had a great deal of fun. 


The Birdcage we started here. We took the less obvious choice of Dianne Wiest to continue. She is in Parenthood with Leaf (now Joaquin) Phoenix. Joaquin is in Signs with Abigail Breslin. She is in Little Miss Sunshine with Steve Carell. This caused a moment of consternation, as I wanted to watch The Office episodes, but Jim said "No TV shows". I also couldn't figure out what movie he'd been in that had anyone else in it besides "Sunshine", 40 Year Old Virgin wouldn't take us anywhere useful. So we watched Despicable Me and did the only conscious double down by then watching DM2 to get Benjamen Bratt in Despicable Me 2 . He's in  Miss Congeniality with Michael Caine, who then got us to Second Hand Lions, with Haley Joel Osment. We could have returned to M. Night Shyamalan with  The Sixth Sense but we'd recently watched it. So we pulled Forrest Gump, as HJO is Forrest's son. We have choices here too, but decided that if we chose Sally Field, we'd get to one of my all time fave comedies Soapdish. We'd recently watched Silverado after the death of Brian Dennehy and that's the natural Kevin Kline choice, so we veered to Whoopi Goldberg acquiescing that neither one of us wanted to watch Ghost, but it would get us to Patrick Swayze and more choices. One must keep one's eye on the bouncing ball. It needs to bounce. Besides, she's funny. If you just watch her play Oda Mae and ignore the constantly leaky eyed Demi Moore you can make it through. Patrick Swayze is of course in Roadhouse  which features Sam Elliot, and is also like Rocky Horror Picture Show for us; we know all the trivia and the lines and yell back at the screen. A Boon Time At The Martin Movie House.

We took a detour from here by watching a Patrick Swayze biography, and then The Outsiders, (which just made Jim start up with Tom Cruise again) but I said NOPE we're still bouncing, we gotta watch Sam Elliot in Tombstone -again, we had some choices here as we are Bill Paxton fans--but instead we went with Val Kilmer so Jim could watch Top Gun. I was hell bent on not going down a Tom Cruise rabbit hole, so we were struggling with the next actor. I had identified the only black pilot in the Top Gun program as the same guy who says "The quarterback is toast" in Die Hard, and figured we'd have to go there next- until the very end of the movie, when I started screaming "Hey, HEY that's Tim Robbins! He's Merlin!" Which meant we could return to an older fave of ours The Hudsucker Proxy. Because no, I'm not watching any baseball movies with Kevin Costner.

Many of our movie choices in this game, we discovered, would peter out if we did not plan carefully. Older movies or arty movies tend to have no actor connections, you have to use a director or a playwright. So when we chose "Hudsucker" and Paul Newman, we knew we only had one place to go that would keep the ball bouncing:The Sting, featuring Robert Shaw as Donnagan, and that got us to Jaws, where he plays Captain Quint. Again, in the name of not dead ending, we went with Richard Dreyfus as our next choice, who is in Red with Bruce Willis ,who is in Fifth Element with GARY OLDMAN FINALLY! Took long enough. So Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead with Gary Oldman and Tim Roth, so Jim can get to Pulp Fiction which was, I think, his agenda all along.Tim Roth is Pumpkin, the diner robber at the beginning and end of the film and an identification that made Jim,once again, tell me how unnerving it is that I can identify actors so easily. (Identifying Clarence Gilyard, Jr. in Top Gun was also pretty impressive). I wanted to use Steve Buscemi as our spin off ("I'm Buddy, I'll be your waiter") that'd get me Fargo, and a step closer to Three Billboards...and Sam Rockwell, but...then it'd end there, because we don't own any Woody Harrelson films. So, here we are in a Bruce Willis movie- at this point I'm beginning to think we only have Bruce Willis movies-so we choose Samuel L. Jackson who is in Unbreakable. Which counts as a double up--but doesn't mean anything, there are no prizes for a "double up"--since they were both in both movies, and we realized that this happens a lot,and is a possible future game, where you have to choose movies that double the same actors or actor/director. Which would land you in a weekend of Tarantino. Anyway... Robin Wright Penn is Bruce's wife and also in Princess Bride.  ( I know she's in Wonder Woman, and that would have gotten us to the new Star Trek movies,which Jim was ALSO angling for,but we don't own Wonder Woman.)We then chose Cary Elwes and Twister  and this was about the time we started thinking we needed to wrap up. Quarantine was being lifted and we the weather beckoned us to linger on our deck until 9pm. We decided we had to get back to the  movie Birdcage, but to Robin Williams this time. J. Without internet searching, I found a path that was  bit lengthy, but doable. Jim found the shortest path, one day at work, thankfully, as I knew if we took too much longer I'd be watching Tom Cruise movies all summer. So we picked up Bill Paxton from Twister and went to Frailty, with Matthew McConaughey  who is in Dallas Buyer's Club. Jennifer Garner is the connection in that movie to Pearl Harbor, which we avoided watching for a week. Because we didn't want to. About half way through (approximately 3 hours) Jim said "We saw her in it, can we turn it off now?" I said "NO,if I can't count TV shows, we have to watch the entire movie." I'm also wondering why the hell he owns this movie, he clearly doesn't like it. I started yelling about Josh Hartnett and the Alan Rickman movie Blow Dry, but we aren't connecting anything any more, we're wrapping up. But I'd much rather watch Josh Hartnett In Blow Dry. Just sayin'.

We got Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbor and we have one more movie to finish the bouncing ball: Good Will Hunting.

With Robin Williams.

You're welcome.

The Latest Desperate Attempt To Entertain While The World Argues

     Today is Thursday. I have been in a Google Classroom classes for four days now.
     On Sunday, before class started, I emailed the teacher four times. Why? Because I received a notice that Google Classroom had been set up, but when I clicked in, no assignments were posted.
     Her email said "Assignment posted, please read by Monday."
     I can't read it if it isn't there.
     I clicked on again. And again.
     I began to suspect I had been pranked. She sent me a dummy GC.
     Then I began to talk to the screen, because that's what I do. When my light board went wonky, I began to bang on the keyboard and say "Fishy fishy fishy, wake up fishy". It's my go to.
     I heard Alan Rickman in my head, and did my best foghorn voice impression of him "Reveal your assignments." 
      Nothing happened. Nobody came. Just like my entire life this spring, an existential nightmare. Sigh.
      MONDAY
      Monday morning I got up bright and early, mostly because I was unsure of the class' start time. There were a slew of assignments posted.
      I stopped breathing.
      When I came to, I realized there was a note that said "Here is the link to class, see you at 1:30"
      I planning my entire day around the meeting time. I made a desk on my bed, made sure my "background" was interesting, put in earrings,and clicked on at 1.20.
      There were four other people in the group, sitting around waiting. 
      At 1.35, when an instructor did not show up, someone with the instructor's cell number called and asked what was up.
      The link was for the 2.30 section, which we are in. Not 1.30.
      I looked back into the stream and yep, there is it: 2.30.
      I was off to a great start
      So I get on the video chat at the right time. Immediately I am sorry I signed up for this class. This is not going to teach me how to use the technology, it's going to make me use the technology to create community online, like I do in the classroom.
      Well, this will be an exercise in futility.
      I had to download "Nod" so I can non verbally give a thumbs up during class. I'm on video, I have thumbs that work, but whatever. They are culturally sensitive in color, I can change the skin tone. They don't have purple so I leave it. We must all demonstrate our use of the thumbs up. In the chat box I am relieved to see teachers who did not upload it, or just uploaded it and/or cannot make it work. Thank God. I am not alone.
      They put us into chat rooms. My name was not listed, so I had to just click on a camera and hope. But the one I clicked on wasn't the link itself, I guess, it was just a picture of it. A dear teacher who was also left behind after the drop helped me find the right link. I love her, she is my new best friend.
      So I drop into the room and they make me say words. I manage "Kristen Martin, theatre, HInkley" before then turning off my mike and almost bursting into tears. I am so far out of my comfort zone I can't even see it from here.
      They want to know how spring online went for me?
      I fumbled my mike back on and said "Horrible. This sucks. I have no idea how to do anything but google video chat, and that should be fine."
     Turns out everyone in education knows how to teach theatre online so I then listened to a barrage of suggestions, none of which are valid in building actors, building ensemble, creating theatre or building a department, and all of which I thought of already but hey, they're nice people and they're trying. They may be able to tell I could cry at any moment.
      I was nice and smiled and my dead shark eyes could not be seen through the video. 
     Then the class itself was over, and I sat and stared at the screen. I am clearly in over my head.
     I got on the first assignment and tried to find the chapter. I am to download a copy of a note catcher that I then turn in with every chapter.
     I can download. That's OK.
     It's a PDF. Downloaded. Go.
     I'm supposed to be able to write on it...um....click click...fishy fishy fishy...no go.
     I download it again.
     Nothing.
     I email the teacher. I am to download it as a copy, then it can be edited.
     Great. Can you tell me how to do that, please?
    Yes, yes she can. She is patient and already knows me from Sunday's exchanges. She was not in my chat group, so she does not know that I'm going to cry. Everyone in that chat knows I'm going to cry.
    There is a book we're supposed to be reading but nobody has a copy. So they are going to download the chapters. I am to read three of them and do things, then read two others and choose one of them to present on Friday.
     I can't find the chapters at all. Any of them.
     Email.
     Find the chapter. I have to read it, write a thing in the thing and then turn it in. I barely got the thing to copy so I can write on it, how do I turn it in?
      Email.
      Sit and cry for five minutes, total. That's all I allow. Fuck this. I don't need the hours (I do) or the information (I do), drop the class. Harper says "drop the class".
     I will not. Even if I don't get all the tech stuff in on time, I will not let this be what keeps me from being able to teach online. Or even make me cry.

     TUESDAY
     Class is synchronos and asynchronus, so no class Tuesday, just assignments and "office hours" on the link. 
      Trying to get on to read the chapter but there's no chapter, it's called Thinglink and it doesn't work. It shows the diagram and there is a yellow house and red arrows and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do...
      Office hours! "Hi, it's me, the hell with this?"
      "Share your screen with me, it's easier to do it that way."
      Huh?
      "Click the thing, then click the picture and there you are. Now go to classroom...click the thing, there you go..."
      Explained. Got it. Wait, don't got it.
      Office hours "It's me again, we're gonna be best friends."
      "Maybe we should write more details in the stream to help, you won't be the only one confused, Kristen, I promise."
      Happy to help.
      And why are they so nice? Who are these people?
      Next thing, ed puzzle? Won't load. Can't concentrate, then I have to answer questions about what I'm watching but I have no idea what I'm watching because I'm freaking out about not understanding how this works so I can get credit.
       Cried.
       Watch video, do the ed puzzle. Easy to turn in because it's right there on GC, so no weirdness. Or I'm just getting better at this nonsense.
       How do I jumbo board, jamboard, jambalaya? Get a sticky note from where? Why won't it work? How come it's so small? How do I move it? Why does this matter? 

     WEDS
      The fuck is flip grid? Why would I ever use this? Why would a kid video tape themselves doing a monologue when we could just do it in google chat during class time? 
      OK, tutorial. Done.
      Now make a flip grid video for class expectations.
      Email for clarification of what I am doing . Make 3 different things (flip grid, slides, mudmap, jambalaya) for three different online assignments you'll do in the fall.
       Cried. I have no idea what I'm doing in the fall, let alone how any of it will work online. I should go back to the chat room so everyone can repeat the ideas I've already had.
       Email. Can I just do three versions of my classroom expectations? Thank you. You're my favorite. 
       Decide to do flip grid, fuck this nonsense.
      Two takes, done. I am in theatre, after all, cameras don't scare me.
      Now "turn it in".
      Crying ensues....where...what? I'm on a different site entirely how am I to turn in something I can't copy and paste? FIshy fishy fishy...
       Email.
       Hi, it's me, shocker. How do I do the thing? 
       They get in to help and email me back "You did it, it's there. Congrats! I'm so glad to see you pushing through all of this, you're a rock star, Kristen."
        Whatever. You're a teacher, I see you. I know your support is not real. 
        And thank you.

       THURSDAY
       I panicked in May and signed up for every Professional Development section offered, since I have not a single clue how to do any of this. Also, I need 90 hours by next June for my license renewal. Last Friday I was suddenly unwaitlisted and am now in Google Slides today at noon at Google Forms tomorrow at 8 am. I also have to create whatever-the-hell-immma do for my presentation on Friday on my "choice chapter", which I had to read three times, because I was worried about the tech I need.
     So I exchanged emails with my new best friends, the three teachers manning this course, and created a google slide show, thank god they allowed it. I had stopped breathing wondering how in the actual hell I was going to use any other technology with any depth of understanding. I learned enough to turn in the thing: scene. The google slide class helped me spruce up my sad text heavy slides, 'cause that's all I know how to do. So that was good. I didn't cry. You can add video to google slides...I don't know how, but I learned that it can be done, which is cool, I've got that going for me.
      By 2 pm I had spent 6 hours on my laptop doing google crap.
      I needed a cigarette. I've started smoking. I may have neglected to mention that. On Monday and Tuesday, after crying, I had a cigarette. Then another after going back in and wrestling The Next Google Thing, or reading the chapter yet another time, because I forget what I've read in the time it takes me to wrestle Whatever The Hell to turn it in and prove I read the chapter. I don't find this to be very "blended". I guess it is if you know the tech stuff, but it's more of a disruption than anything. Which I duly noted in my final reflection notecatcher and turned in with my slides because now I'm done with it.
      Until tomorrow at 2.30 when I will be forced into another small group chat room that I will likely not be able to access, and share my google slides which I also suspect won't work. But I did learn how to share my screen in all this. 
       So in conclusion all in all to sum up, I did the things.I have no idea how many of these things I can use for actual class, but I am aware of their existence and can proudly say "I am not Google Classroom's bitch."
      Go me.

That Time kryssi Had No Choice But To Use Technology

   In this "NEW ENVIRONMENT", "NEW NORMAL"--- Immma punch the next person who says that, or "In these uncertain times." Shut Up. UGH.

   In this Time of School Closures, I was forced to face my worst fear: technology.
   You can ask anyone from the ESC in Littleton, or if you followed my blogs the last few years, or if you worked in the classroom next to me, or if you had to deal with getting my kids through their MAP tests: You Know.
    I am uniquely stunted in this field.
    Genoa once said that I needed to evolve with technology or become extinct. It stung me deeply, but she's not wrong. In theatre I can do The Things that are required-except to run any sort of projection hooked up to a computer... or sound hooked up to a computer. If you add a laptop to the sound board I'm lost. And what the hell is with projections in a theatre, anyway? It was fine where I was: I made a google website for the department, and when I was moved to lang arts, I had people who were understanding help me through MAP tests, and flew my world famous "Ghetto Slide Shows" for instruction.
    Then I switched buildings.
     And the new building functions fully on classroom technology. "One to one". In the classroom every kid has a chrome and every teacher is expected to use google classroom. That's what "one to one" means, apparently.
     I had no idea how to use google classroom. None.
     I tried the first month, and realized I had no idea how to navigate it. The sub had set up the classes and was quite spiffy at it. I watched her do it and figured I could, too. 
     Nope.
     So I stopped.
     And Then They Closed School and said, without any warning, "Go Online. Do The Google."
     Well....shit....shitty shit shit.
     Tech gives me serious anxiety. I stop breathing if I can't get what I need. At IB training in Florida, I couldn't get on my email when I first checked into the hotel and I stayed up all night, panicking, sure someone was going to break in and steal my kidney. I somehow related these things in my extreme trepidation. I panicked the one time I took a google class at LHS and learned nothing, I just quietly sat behind my laptop and focused on my breathing. Though I did manage to take a picture of myself that stayed on my laptop until I left because I wasn't even sure where it was--I could see it, but I didn't know why-- let alone how to delete it.
      In addition to the mechanics, my eyes are pretty crappy and I've hit "Publish" instead of "Save", quite famously. But that's an old story.
     In order for me to function with technology, I need complete focus. I must be in a sealed room, no sound or distractions. No cats. No dogs. I have my water bottle, comfy pants and the room is soundproofed, so nobody comes running when I begin to scream. My children-or husband, if anyone is home--are outside, redirecting traffic. St. Anthony's Hospital has been notified the Flight For Life's flight pattern must be adjusted so it does not include my house. It's that bad. I wish I were kidding.
     I am an audio learner first, kinestetic second. Meaning I can't learn online, so why would I teach online?
     Because I have to.
     So I sat at my dining room table, talking to myself (audio learner) for a few hours, with my colleague on the phone (again with audio learning), and managed the bare minimum. I got classes set up. PHEW.
      That was only the beginning. We were supposed to be video chatting with our classes? WHAT? Does my lap top even have a camera? Google hangout? Google chat?  Goodle meet? What is the difference? I began the slow process, and managed to get a text stream in google chat with my students.
      Who immediately wanted to video chat, cause we were doing scene work and they wanted to perform.
      Shit.
      At first I would just call them during class time, because THAT I figured out. A student innocently asked me "Miss, why don't you just push the little camera button in the corner?"
      Blink. Blink.
      Then I learned other teachers had managed to create these invites with a time stamp, so kids could just click on the invite.
       I tried it twice with Theaco, both times the invite had expired? I still have no idea how that works. It's like the microwave. Mysterious magic from Satan.
       THANK GOD the district decided to just drop links into each google classroom for the kids. They could only get on if I was on,which I guess is important to avoid them google chatting unsupervised with one another during a plague, because they don't have phones? Anyway,it worked. I am hoping that the link will remain for the fall, otherwise....well, I'm not video chatting anyone.
       The week we were back after extended spring break, there was a weekly faculty meeting. The email said follow the link in your calendar.
       I have a calendar?
       The second week I found the meeting.
       And so, by and by, all in all, to sum up, I adapted to what I am able to do. I still have no idea how to find late work submitted in GC, or how to set a timer so the assignment can be posted weeks before it is to be revealed. My neighbor tells me that's a thing. I have two teacher neighbors from another district, we've been meeting in the street in the evenings. Well, one goes for a walk and passes by our houses while the other is gardening, and I lurch out of my front door at them holding my beer. "Meet" qualifies."Hang out"? "Chat"? Semantics.
       As all of this is unfolding, I realize I have to renew my license by next June. I have done nothing toward that end, long story, so now I need 90 hours in a year to get my renewal. APS is this amazing district that offers professional development classes by the boatload. In addition, I am contractually obligated to take a CLDE class,which will count toward my renewal. Usually these classes are both live and online, but now...everything is online.
       The first class I signed up for sent me a UPC code thing for entrance. I texted Eric immediately because why wouldn't I, and even he was vexed. I don't even know how the platform Performance Matters works, and the lovely professional development support person has been very patient with me. But I panicked over this class and ended up not taking it. Which was stupid, as it was a THEATRE class, dumb ass.
       So I joined a Theatre Teacher Academy group online because those classes are video tapes that I can watch whenever, and get credit, and get ideas for class. But they aren't going to net me the 90 hours I need.
        Determined to be Nobody's Bitch, I signed up for a Neurobiological Education Something Something class. It was a Zoom class.I had to click onto the invite, which they sent to me in a place I could locate: my email. Feeling sassy after being able to get into this class, I tried another one.Once I signed up, the GC for this class began to be flooded with assignments, and flip grids and kamis and I was like...ummmm....I have no idea how to do any of this, sorry. I tired to download kami to my laptop, and my laptop crashed.
        Of course it did.
        I have been employed by APS for four months and this is my third laptop.
        I warned the tech guy when they hired me. He didn't believe me.
        He believes me now.
        Since we are likely going to be online in some capacity in the fall, I have to get this shit under control. The district, again, being amazing, has created a ton of online google classroom classes for all levels that we can take AND get credit for. I signed up, and they sent me a UPC code. But instead of panicking, I have since learned how to navigate Performance Matters, and I was able to find the link to GC directly. HA.One of the teachers said there is an assignment due and posted in GC. I got onto GC, but it's not there. 
        Of course it isn't. 
        I have already emailed and bothered one of the teachers to ask where the assignment is located. My exposition in my intro email query included that I was World Famous in LPS for my ineptitude. I am quickly gaining the same reputation here.
        Class starts on Monday. 

 

Forward Is the Only Direction

  I am not interested in contributing to the sad rabble of my colleagues, all devastated that they didn't get to see their students through to the end of the school year. I did not get the opportunity to say good bye to my kids at LHS, or my colleagues. I had barely said "hello" to the kids at Hinkley when everything shut down. 
  It's fine. Don't put so much energy into good bye. A few colleagues stayed in touch, a few kids found me. Cool.
   I get that a good bye is important to be able to leave it behind. There is a human tendency to linger in the past without a good bye, to maybe hover around the idea of the person or place with rose colored glasses, referring to It/Them as "The Best". That's also unhealthy, by the way. But you don't have to whine when the good bye doesn't present itself. Just walk away, it's fine. Exit. Scene. Curtain. End play.
    I have laid waste to more relationships that anyone I know. I dicn't say "good bye", largely because I left in a hurry. The one time I got a good bye was when I left UH, and my friends threw me a party. That was awesome.I liked that.But all it did was make me wish I wasn't leaving, and that made me sad so...I tend to leave quickly.
    If I can manage, I sneak out. I've mastered this at parties, which I no longer attend because I hate them. I don't know anyone anymore, and I'm awkward and I've come to accept and embrace the awkward, which you do not want at your gathering. Unless it's a big social event, like a wedding, then I can hide. I tried to attend student grad parties a few years ago---ugh, what a mess. I found myself in the back yard playing with the dog. Right before leaving LHS I had acquiesced to a few department gatherings, mostly lunch and living room things. I managed to survive and I made everyone in the room cringe only once that I know of when I almost started a fight.
    I like bars and pubs. I like one friend I can sit with and yell above the din. Maybe a couple or two over for dinner, I like that. And those examples have nothing to do with good byes.
     I am weirdly compliant but stubborn, kind yet a dick. It depends on the circumstance and if there's an animal involved. I spout spiritual awareness but will arm wrestle God over a Twinkie. In short: I do not practice what I preach. Not always. So, when it's time to leave a job, let's say, and all the signs are there and I refuse to do so, I flip up the 'hawk and challenge God do a dual.
     And then I'm fired. Or backed into a corner so tightly the only choices are to continue to fight or give my family a break and move on. God wins. Every time.
      I do not make new friends because I fear that the "good bye" will be ugly. I do not have a solid history here, guys, and my recent school year will attest to that. Or It will, once It wakes up from Its nap: It had a rough time.
     I am baffled by teachers who are sobbing because they miss their kids every day.  Granted, a good chunk of these people are in elementary ed, and a few are music teachers. That's a slam dunk for emotion:elementary music. Dude. Those little knee biters can really get to you. The years I've directed them at PAA taught me that. I can imagine a teacher gets really attached after a school year, or two or three. Watching them grow up and lose teeth and say funny things. But they're growing up, dude, the good bye is written into the hello, you knew that when you started, why'd you get attached? Ugh.
     It's the same with high school: They're Gonna Leave.  You get to play with them for a season, and then set them free. That's what I always told them "I built you to fly, so fly."(That was the kinder version, most kids just heard me growl "Love you, mean it, get out.")
     We did awards at Hinkley, and we had to do it online of course. The kids showed up and seemed grateful to be recognized, but I just met them. I literally worked for two months before the 'rona shut us down. I have no idea if they were truly grateful, I don't know if they could give a rat's ass or if they are happy to leave or sad or how befuddled they are as they face their uncertain futures. I just did what I do, followed the ritual of theatre 'cause that's all I know. 
   That's all I know. The Ritual Of Theatre.
   Which will return. 
   In the meantime, I'm wandering through my house like a fart in a mitten, starting and not finishing projects, beginning blogs I'll never complete, walking the dogs and steadfastly marching into the grocery store several times a week because apparently I'm cooking now. There are no deadlines. I'm lost.
   Without a curtain, there is no opening or closing. No entrances or exits.
   "Nothing happens, nobody comes." The existential nightmare.
   Time isn't real.
   The curtain didn't come down, so why are you saying good bye? It's not over.
   But forward is the only direction, and here I am compliant and stubborn.
    
    

I Have A Note

       Over the years, many have come to know that I, kryssi martin, struggle with racist thoughts when it comes to Hispanic females. I've worked through it over the years, and I believe I am no longer racist. Everyone knows why: I was bullied by gansta girls at O'Connell Jr. High, blah blah blah. Riding on that is the fact that I like to tell stories about my Uncle Bob, who is in fact, Mexican, proudly Mexican from Mexico. He used to call me a honky. I think he's hilarious. I tell stories of him threatening to cut off my ears and make tacos, and pulling knives out of the kitchen drawer and declaring them "Mexican credit cards". I was seven. I had no idea what he meant. The stories I tell about him are received with quiet trepidation from the white kids, and braying laughter followed by "I have an Uncle Bob, but his name is Jose! He's just like that!" from the Latinx kiddos. Both groups receive my stories looking across the room at the other group, afraid to react without a social cue first.
       Now that I'm in a school with a low white population, and I even have a class with Not One White Kid,I thought I'd test it out. One day, I said "So I have this Mexican Uncle Bob who's hilarious, but my children think I'm racist when I tell stories about him." The kids, all Latinx, said they'd like to hear the stories. I regaled them with them, and two of the boys immediately asked if I was sure I wasn't talking about their uncles, and we all laughed. Then I said, "Seriously, am I racist to repeat these stories? I don't want to offend anyone." One kid, we'll call him "A", shot his arm straight in the air and said "No way, Miss, you want a note? I'll write you a note saying you aren't racist."
      And so, the Uncle Bob stories will resume.
      I have a note.

26 Letters, 26 Days

A Announcement over the school intercom on 12 March 2020, telling everyone to take everything home with them over spring break, and then the email at 4 pm announcing "extended spring break" and our realization that we weren't coming back.
 Also Animal Crossing,which is keeping my daughter connected to her friends as they meet up and steal fruit from one another's islands.
B The Bouncing Ball movie watching game that my husband and I made up. We started at Birdcage and are still going. You have to choose an actor from the movie, then watch another movie they are in, selecting your next actor, and so on. And you can't double up actors unless you're stuck. For Instance Little Miss Sunshine got us Steve Carell, but Despicable Me was a dead end, so we had to watch Despicable Me 2 to get Benjamen Bratt and move to Miss Congeniality. TV shows don't count and he won't let internet stuff count. Also, we seem to land on movies he likes the majority of the time. It's like "Six Degrees To Kevin Bacon" I suppose, but we aren't using Kevin Bacon.
C  Cats. None are mine, yet four live with me. They were glad I was home for about ten minutes, when they realized I was not giving them tuna 24/7, they returned to sleeping on my bed. "Covid" is too easy a word choice.
D  Dogs. Also not mine, but three of them are here, hopeful that my continued presence in the house is going to translate to many walks a day and treats. Not as smart as the cats, they haven't figured out the truth yet, and still hold on to hope
E Elephant at the Denver Zoo. The first online learning opportunity I saw for kids out of school was two staff members of the zoo with the elephants. The elephants do not care about learning opportunities, or know how important they are to our collective sanity. They just are.
F Furlough if you're lucky fired if you are not.
G Gigs. Gigs are gone. Buh bye, gigs.
H Howl. 8 pm. Yes.
I Icky.
J John Krasinski "Some Good News".
K King, Stephen. Prophet. We're living one of his novels.
L Lost. Loafing. Languishing. That's it, that's the one.
M Masks. Costumers, teachers with sewing machines, it's maskapalloosa.
N Neighbors out walking and riding bikes. It's more than in the summer, it's actual traffic.
O Online teaching.
P Pay cut, for those fortunate enough to still be employed.
Q My friend the drag queen, who lost all of her gigs and started wishing people Happy Birthday online like Samuel L. Jackson. Quarantine was too easy a word choice.
R Relief, refund. Our car insurance Liberty Bibberty is refunding 15 % of our payment for two months because we are clearly not driving as much.
S School's out for summer....school may be out forever. Alice Cooper is another prophet. Also for Stimulus checks, small business. Shelter in place is too easy a phrase.
T Take out only, aka "curbside pickup", teddy bears in windows, toilet paper not on shelves.
U Umbrella. The pink umbrella sheltering our "window" teddy bear. He could not be seen from the window, in fact he looked very Emily Dickinson up there, so we moved him to he front yard in a lawn chair. As it has decided to snow and rain, I gave him an umbrella to hide under. Our neighbors now identify us as the house with the umbrella bear. Also USPS, buy stamps, sign the petition.
V Vail got hit first, possibly worst? That Florida Lt. Governor was grouchy that Polis shut down the ski areas and ruined his family vacation. Which starts with "v", and are over, too.
W Weight. Gain. Ugh.
X The look of a shuttered pub, lights off, parking lot empty. They aren't physically shuttered...yet...
Y  You Tube. The old new sensation for the over achieving generation of lip syncing and dance off families that I watch from my chair.
Z The Denver Zoo was the first I saw to go live online for student learning. They're listed twice because they're cool.

Of ketchup and mortgages

My friends in Canada emailed today: "You started your blog again and then stopped, we wanted to check in."

I dunno what to write,everyone else is writing it.

Not everyone else is fortunate enough to be able to write because they have a job and shelter and stupid dogs and old, needy cats. All of whom I am convinced speak perfect English and are deliberately ignoring me.

Everyone else is grateful for whatever their situation is and I can't be bothered to walk the stupid dogs.

I wake up smelling like dog every day, regardless of the daily laundry, Fbreezing, Airwick  plug ins and open windows until it snowed. And then the windows were open when it snowed, and at least it smelled cold and not like dog in my house.

And how hard is it to put the lighter back where you found it?

Everyone else is going to get a divorce over ketchup. I've nothing new to contribute.

Twice this month this small publisher has contacted me wanting to know if my manuscript is finished. It will never be finished, because to finish I have to relive the last four worst years of my freaking life, so never mind, I'm no longer interested in publishing it. Anybody who cares read it already, and the consequences have already been suffered, so where the fun in doing it now?

So if I'm not going to do that, I have nothing to write about.

Everyone has Blursday and Muesfreday and mine are tracked by whether or not the meeting is at 8 am or 12: 30, are my students in google hangout on video chat or via text and at least you can't smell the dog permeating my clothes through the computer.

Except that there is no ketchup, and since I'm home all day every day, but am not the one who used the last of the ketchup, maybe someone coulda told me before I made hamburgers for dinner.

Everyone is unemployed or underemployed and there are stories of bill collectors being kind, but none of them are my bill collectors. Or my mortgage company, who not only isn't allowing anyone to skip a month, but shut down our personal home refi as it was being underwritten because "since this happened", Jim's job is now suspicious, suspect...what word do I want? His company supplies hotels and condos with lotion and shampoos, so they're now susceptible to the virus, which is how I see it. Sure he took a pay cut, but they are now bottling hand sanitizer, got themselves declared necessary and received the government subsidy money, but no, fuck you guys, your job is too risky to refi your house.

Way to be, mortgage company.

The cat won't stop stomping on my lap.

Harper's car payment was deferred back in March until April, which isn't great, but hey, at least they made an attempt. So there's one.

Every teacher misses their kids, is mumbling about technology.

Every student lost a grade, an internship, a show, prom, graduation, understanding in a content area (Immma call it and say mostly math). They've lost housing, ritual and personal connections.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has unemployment, gigs lost, careers halted, and break downs playing Mario Super Smash Bros,yet I refuse to walk the dogs because they aren't mine.

Harp just pointed out that I left the oven on with nothing in it. I said "It's making ketchup."

Nobody wants to read my personal account of the same universal story we are all living. So I'm not going to write it.