This Is Why I'm LIke This: Why Eric Needs To Always Meet For Drinks On Thursdays

      Things I do when I'm not OK, made Funny

      Because I live 45 minutes from work, I've made a habit to stay "through" if there are conferences, rehearsales, etc. The last time I did this, for BTSN, I took myself to Wendy's and got a baconater. I have regretted it ever since. So today, since I have a S&D meeting and am staying, and Eric and I have been meeting to drink on Thursday, however, the Speech and Debate meeting interfered this week, I said "King Soopers is where I will go. It will be cheaper and healthier. Go me."
      Right out of the cannon we have a problem as the front doors are being blocked by some Do Gooders begging for donations. I don't make eye contact and duck into the store. Phew. I truly only have patinece for the Salvation Army Santa, and for Girl Scouts when none come to my house. Everyone else---register to vote (already registered) support this bill (already decided) marching band (came to my house)----pffft. I'm not rude, I try to avoid them if I can. If I cannot, I am firm but as nice as I can be, unless they cannot read social cues, and then I just keep walking. So, I made it past them on my way in and made the following healthy purchases for my lunch:
   a chicken salad croissant
   millet and  flax chips
   smart food popcorn
   wheat thins
   ICE, orange mango flavor
   cheese,  nut and grape snack pack
   an entire box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies
   a frappaccino
      All for $25!

   On the way out, I kept my head low and pretended I didn't hear the young woman speaking to me. But she stepped in front of me and I stopped, because I would have run over her.
    She looks at me and mumbles.
    "Sorry?"
    "Suicide prevention," she says, indicating her table with fliers and t- shirts. I shake my head. "I'm a teacher, we already do all of the things," and I kept talking as I walked away, trying to remember the name of the program we have in place at school. I realize something is not right, as I'm still talking when I get into the car "Sources of Strength!" I yell at the windshield as I open the Cream Pies and shove one into my mouth. If you eat your groceries in the car, the calories don't count. It's a fact, look it up. As I pull out, I continue to talk to myself "Those fliers aren't going to stop suicide, neither are the t- shirts, that's just silly."
    I start repeating "Park in the forum" to myself, as it's closer to my classroom and nobody's at school, so I'm allowed. We aren't allowed to park close to the school, those spots are for students and for the car salesmen from the dealership next door. I never get to park there.
    I realize my phone has no charge and the trip wasn't enough to give it a boost. I say to my steering wheel "Do I have a plug in my bag?" thinking I must have an edison plug to use for my car charger cord. I dig in my bag, removing the ziploc bag of dog food---there's a reason, hold on--and discover a plug. I shout gloriously to the inside of my car "YES, I DO, I have a plug!" and I grab my two bags of groceries and my bag, locate my badge and head for the door. Magically, my badge works and I am allowed entrance to the building. I enter my room  and unload the groceries. I pull out the plug, tell my classroom I have a plug, and retrieve my phone. I hold the phone in one hand and the plug in the other. The following words are spoken to my empty classroom:
     "Wait, shit, I don't have a desktop any more, I can't plug it into a hard drive....does my laptop have a plug in for the phone none of this works without a cord, where's the cord? I don't have a cord? How can I not---wait, it's in the car. I left it in the car."
      I walk back out to my car, saying "Keys, badge, keys, badge," and retrieve the cord for the charger. When I return to my room, the lights are all on. My favorite custodian is dumping the trash. He smiles at me and I say "Thank you," as I always do, and he apologizes for turning off my lamps. The flourescents are on, but he thought I was gone and turned off my lamps for me. Because he's nice.
     I now have a cord, an Edison plug and my phone. I stand with the plug in my left, the phone in my right, staring at the cord on my desk. "How does this work?" I ask the cord. It does not answer, it just lays there like a slug, like  Ralphie's brother, it's the cord's only defense.
    I manage to sort out how charging the phone works, despite my crippling disability. I eat my chicken salad croissant and am hit by a massive headache. I blame the salt in the sandwich, but more likely it's the creme pie, clearly I need to eat another one.I open my drawer and shake out a generic acetaminophen and try to remember if I had one already. I take only one as I cannot recall, and began to shove smart food popcorn into my face, chasing it with the mango ice. The creme pie requires that I unwrap it, my head is spinning and I'm not sure I can do that.
    I decide this is funny, I'm having a stroke or something, hilarious. I start to write about it.
   Then I sneeze so hard that I pee myself, triggering another sneeze that splatters popcorn onto my desk, triggering a cough and a panicked guzzling of orange mango.

   It's only 5 pm. The Speech and Debate meeting is at 6.
   I feel really good about this.
   Once my vision clears I think I'll open another creme pie.

ZIP LOCK BAG OF DOG FOOD. Because there are homeless people with dogs all outside of Coors Field. I never have cash, but I have bags of dog food for their puppies.

This Is Why I'm Like This: A Movie Review, IT 2 SPOILERS

  As a life long Stephen King fan, it was my duty to see the new IT movies.
  As a life long Tim Curry fan, it is my duty to snark about it.
  My first Stephen King novel was The Shining. My mom read it and loved it, and promptly gave it to me. I was in high school, however, and the language was upsetting to her, so she took a black sharpie and marked through the cuss words. That lasted about 50 pages, then she gave up. I guess she realized that I could infer the word based on the context, anyway, so what was the point? It was also a life lesson for me, as story is king and context is God, and the language is only as relevant as the reader chooses to make it.
   I read IT when I was hospitalized with a kidney infection. I read it in hardcover, and I finished it the week I was in. I know, right? How long ago was that? They would put you in the hospital for a kidney infection, they kept you for a week until you were better, and your insurance paid for it. Crazy times, man. I had insurance through B. Dalton, I remember the store manager bringing me flowers in the hospital and awkwardly hovering at the foot of my bed until I dismissed him.
  I was so disappointed in the ending that I never re read the book. Every once in a while, that happens. He knows how to tell a story, no argument. But sometimes he just gets all spun up with his own yarn and forgets that he needed a way back out, an exit strategy. A bread trail, something. I think that's what happened with IT. As terrified as I am of spiders, after all the great ghoulies that preceded the arachnid, it was just ...well, lame. The spider web of his story got away from him, tangled him up and immobilized him and he disappointed me. With a spider.
   Clearly, I had to watch the miniseries that emerged with Tim Curry, because it was Tim Curry. He was a delightful Pennywise, and the cast did their best to hold on against some heavy handed directing and poor screenwriting so I enjoyed myself. Yet there was still that ridiculous spider at the end, and even with a miniseries, there was no way all the story lines and characters were going to make it into the movie. Too much of King's writing relies on the internal narrative and thoughts of his characters. That doesn't translate to a screenplay.
   So when I heard they were making two movies and splitting the time periods, I thought there might be hope to explore the storytelling instead of the horror. Not that the horror wasn't awesome, but without the character development it was flat. That's what went wrong with the miniseries. What makes IT terrifying is that IT knows what scares you.
    IT 2017 came out and was just the kids. I worried about this, as in film it's a rough gig to try and bring back those kiddos in the next movie because, you know, they age. I assumed that meant the kids' side was on lock and part two would be all the adults. This vexed me, as the novel has the memories and the present so twisted up that something is going to have to give for the story to be told clearly in two movies. The first installment was a delight, no adults at all, only the kids' side of the story and missing that stupid awkward gang bang that never made any sense, anyway. And the death of Georgie was beautiful and horrifying in all the right ways.
   So it was with some trepidation that I embarked on viewing IT 2. The girls and Jim were all about it, so we planned to splurge and see it at the Alamo, where they were featuring "IT themed drinks" which amounted to floofie daiquiris with whipped cream cherry juice, and we could have lunch as well. I figured if it sucked at least I'd have beer and food.
   We arrived, full of hesitant anticipation. While waiting in the empty lobby---never a good sign--we looked over the Coming Soon ads flashing on the walls and chose our next adventures. It's like planning a vacation, you know you're gonna drop almost $200 at a movie, so pre planning is key. We entered the theatre to a lovely history of Pennywise and IT, and enjoyed our bloody alcoholic beverages as Genoa staved off a massive stomach ache and I downed two ambers. The movie began.
    Three hours later we were all buzzed, full and disappointed, but unable to pinpoint exactly why.
    The movie was "fine", it's a good movie,but..."it was long" was our collective comment.
    First, they mixed the kid memories in with the adults. I think this was for anyone who didn't see the first one, and it just added more time. They also added "flashbacks" not from the first movie or the novel to fill in a new agenda that makes Richie gay. I don't care if he's gay, if he was originally gay in the novel it was never explored and I dunno why it needed to be done now. I care that he's funny and he keeps the humor rolling, that's what I care about. It matters none to me that he carved he and Eddie's initials into the bridge railing as kids, or that Henry bullied him about being a "faggot" in a flashback. All you did was add more time to an already bloated film in what appears to be a contrived agenda. Stephen King has no agendas other than to scare the pants off of you, stick to his plan. He is King for a reason. He made any homophobic agendas clear in the opening with the death of Adrianin the novel, and it was present in the movie. Anything more is...overkill.
   Second, the story itself was changed. All King fans know the pain of Halloran taking an axe to the chest at the end of the movie version of The Shining. This time, instead of Henry putting Mike in the hospital, he just hurts Mike's hand. So now Mike is able to attend the final showdown...because, thirdly, he had to explain some native ritual that, again, was not in the original novel, and he needed to be present in the cave at the end for that to work. Awesome. Please add some more stuff to try and explain the inexplicable and fix a bad ending. If you're wondering, it did not work.
   I will take a moment to appreciate that the screenwriter, with the obvious support of King, took a jab at the horror master for his inability to end the book. I guess I wasn't the only one disappointed with the spider.
  I also do not take umbrage with the removal of Bev's husband and Ben's wife,whose presence, honestly, bloated the novel and just created more story lines that needed tying up.
  Fifth, Henry is so prevalent in the novel as an agent of IT, who is then quickly discarded once he serves his purpose, that he may have just as easily been eliminated from the movie altogether, since they chose to downplay his role even further. No need for him, cut him out--he just adds time, again, and it's already three hours long.
   I think the issue is what all Stephen King films suffer from: a deep identity crisis. His work is more than horror, and it relies heavily on in depth character analysis, much of which cannot be translated to a screenplay. The IT in 2017 worked because it stuck with the present, the kids dealing with the horror of "right now", unencumbered by their past. The film was clear, concise, contained jump scares and humor and that charm that King is so good at eliciting from us regarding our childhood friendships. IT 2 falls short because they were bound to film the kid flashbacks before they got too old, and then piece them together with the adults. Which is fine, I suppose, if it added to the story. But for the most part, it did not. There are six surviving adults (SPOILER ALERT STAN THE MAN DOESN'T MAKE IT)  each  of whom need their own "flashback" to remind themselves of the past. I don't think you need an entire scene  a piece to do that. As long as the moment happened in IT 1, which it did not, you need only reference it briefly. But those moments weren't in the first one, and so they bog down the second one with more kid memories. Poor planning, guys.
   I would watch James McAvoy read the phone book. He's a stellar actor, and it's a delight to see him play a regular Joe instead of a psycho. The rest of the cast are admirable, though I have no idea who they are, I always appreciate a director who does not rely on star power to sell a film. The acting is not the issue here. I think the writing was fine except for the weird additions that only added time, not character or story. The directing was done with an eye to the rose colored glasses of youth in a small town that King so loves. What they needed was an editor willing to cut scenes. Those additional flashbacks were not helpful, they only dragged and prevented the forward motion of the story. And as I posited in the first paragraph, story is king. (***addendum, I just looked up an interview with the director. The original cut was four hours long, and he still wants to film more. 'Nuff said.)
   Then there was the spider. I honestly didn't think anything could possibly be less satisfying than a giant black spider.
   I was wrong.
   That was not horror, that was silly. Making the clown the spider was an exercise in poor choices. Or laziness or just an acknowledgement that you just cannot satisfactorily end this beauty on film.The screenwriter clearly thought he could fix King's poor ending, and all he ended up proving was that if you're going to tell the story the way it's intended, the ending is going to be stupid on film. The end didn't justify the means, and the means didn't justify the end. The means were everything and it ended because it had to. In all cases: the novel, the Tim Curry miniseries and the newest additions,this is a fabulous horror story with a crappy ending. It is what it is. At least when you read about the spider and dead lights, it's left to your imagination and you can feel the fear of the characters.
   So he's got that going for him.

Seasons, A Story.

   I'm not sure when I stopped noting the changing of the seasons, but I can define the moment I began to notice them again. When the girls were small, I remember the first days of school seeming ludicrous to me. They were not going back to school, and I was a stay at home mom, so the whole shennanegin was lost on me. I would watch Back To School ads and laugh, wondering what sort of difference that made to me. It did not. But the seasons changing were pungent and present as we visited parks and museums and the zoo began to grow colder, after some scorching summer days. We would buy winter clothes because they'd grown out of last year's pants and coats, and I would look forward to Thanksgiving as it was  "my" holiday to have the family over.
   My mom says I was always "blue" in the fall. I have no real memory of that, only that my birthday is in October and I liked Halloween, so the "blue" thing vexes me. But if I look back on it, I can say that as I got older, I definitely became more depressed in the fall. Yet I loved it, I loved the colors and the leaves and the air and sweaters and corduroy pants...there is no bad here. When the girls were little, Halloween was two months of planning. We had to plan, yet be flexible, because they might change their minds the first of October. Several years I created or built the costumes. They were bugs from Bug's Life one year. For at least two years they were  dinosaurs which I loved.They evolved to wearing Halloween pieces to preschool and, eventually, kindergarten. Harp would go to the fabric store with me and touch all the pretty pieces, making her decisions on textures not colors.
  Once school started for them and I started teaching, the seasons were no longer seasons but breaks.
  I started noting the seasons again last year. Nothing was OK and I found myself clinging to moments, to clouds, to changing leaves, to breathing air, to anything and everything that was the ritual of change. Nature. Calm. I would think "What a beautiful day to visit a psych ward" and "It's gorgeous tonight" as I entered an ER. I turned my eyes skyward for strength, not realizing I was also searching for strength. Nothing like things spinning completely out of your control to force you back into focus.
  This year, as we move cautiously forward and I repeat my new mantra "I do not believe in hope, I have faith", I am forcing myself to note the orange glow of light, the dappled trees and smell the sweet air. I cannot hope, I refuse. I agree that hope crosses its fingers and walks through the fire. I did that already. I believe in faith, which leaps over the fire. Eyes upward, noting the air and nature's relentless disregard for my human anxiety, I am cautiously optimistic. I don't dare breathe a sigh of relief, or celebrate any sort of imagined success. There is only now, and I'm pretty sure that's a line from RENT, which I hate, so it must be time to go.

This Is Why I'm Like This: Buffalo, Wyoming

5 Lobben St
Buffalo, Wyoming
This is Mr. Todd's Barber Shop. Proudly owned and operated by my brother in law. I finally got up here to visit! Craig Johnson, who writes the Longmire book series, gets his hair cut by my brother in law. So technically, Todd is a Hairstylest To The Stars. Tracy says this town goes nuts every year for "Longmire Days". We tried to come out this year, but all the hotels were booked to the teeth. Maybe next year? Jim reads the books and watches the show, it'd be neat for him to be able to have that experience.

  My previous experiences with Wyoming boil down to a brief visit to a college friend, maybe outside of Laramie? And driving through Wyoming to get to Deadwood, South Dakota. It's always been there, just past Ft. Collins, but I never wanted or needed to go to there.

  My sister moved out here in 2016, and I'm finally making it out to visit. It isn't that I don't like my sister, I don't like the idea of being anywhere with the wind and cold. Or that has signs that say "I 25 Closed When Flashing".

  First off, I have to say the gas station/truck stops here are superior to all I've seen. If California is the worst (and they are the worst) and Wyoming is the best, Colorado is a solid middle child. The first Sinclair had a coffee shop, a "driver's lounge" with Barc-a-loungers, washer and dryer and showers. Dude. That's not the best part. The stunning superior rating came because they were clean. Like my kind of clean, kryssi clean, updated, kept up, beautiful. The second stop had no lounge or washer/dryers, but instead sold salt lamps, cowboy boots and local pottery and arty items. No Freaking Way. The closest competition for this I've seen in Colorado is the Sinclair outside of Fairplay, where we always stop en route to Durango. They're pretty impressive as well, but the cowboy boots and salt lamps out here put the Wyoming stops over the top for the win.

   Points Matter
   Hilton points count, dude. We had enough to stay here at the Hampton Inn for free. "Free" until the city tax passed in April, so we owed ten bucks. The hell, Buffalo, really? This is the nicest Hampton Inn we've ever stayed at, and the only property, ever, to have the pool and hot tub separate enough from the hotel proper to allow all day/night access. There is no "Pool Closes At 10 PM" crap here! It's awesome.

  No Homeless
  My beloved home state is being overrun. Zombies aren't going to bring  about the downfall of society, the homeless are. This is not a state that seems to have any issues.  Probably due to the aforementioned weather fluctuations and the fact that every where is at least two hours away from every where. Well done, Wyoming.

  Just Because Your Hotel Is Historic Doesn't Make It Worthy Of A Visit
  If you come to Buffalo, and are interested in visiting The Historic Occidental Hotel, don't make the effort. You've seen "historic" old hotels in Aspen,  Creede, Durango and Leadville. This one has nothing unique to offer, and has hideously missed the mark of customer service. Buffalo is a highway crossroads town, nothing more. You are either on your way to or from Yellowstone. The only reason to venture onto main street is if you've decided to stay a few extra hours or your family is sleeping and you'd like to go check out the local strip. The Occidental's food is frozen fare you can make at home, and the beer is a delight, from the Sheridan brewer Black Tooth. The family owned business has family seemingly angry that you are bothering them, water in paper cups and no interest in showing any sort of hospitality. In fact, if you go to the bar, you'll feel that they are instead hostile toward you. Skip it.

  I would think Black Tooth would love to have a small brew pub in Buffalo, some place the locals go and someone is friendly to them. Some place with better cuisine. Maybe even with brewery tanks that they can manage. Maybe expand to bottling. Maybe we could run it for them.


  And those are my postcards from Buffalo, Wyoming.

This Is Why I'm Like This: The Side Door

  I have never, that I can recall, entered a career or a relationship through the front door.
  This metaphor is pretty transparent. No need to badger you with my history, just take my word for it. I will use the example of my current teaching career. I did not go to college with the intent of becoming a teacher. I did not return to school to receive my certification through a traditional program. I got the job, first, then entered the TIR at Metro for my certification. I understand this is not just unconventional, but my mentors informed me that it was the most difficult path to becoming a teacher. The program had a high wash out rate, and you are asked to teach full time, learn about the law, classroom management and state standards whilst teaching. You are also building your portfolio for the CDE, and paddling like hell to stay afloat.  My mom used to shake her head and wonder why I always had to do everything the hard way. I dunno. It's just more meaningful that way. Or I'm just a pill. You decide.
   That's the path I chose.
   So it is without any surprise at all that I watch my children do the same thing.
   Genoa was the one who ventured farthest toward that traditional front door, she entered college and lived in the dorms. Then she made a hard left and dropped out for a semester before deciding to return. That's my kid! She graduated and spent the last year in Durango teaching preschool, making her own way, damn the torpedoes and crappy apartment. Again, that's my kid. She has moved back in temporarily to work at a job closer to her heart and adjust her priorities: Do What You Love, Fuck The Rest.
   Harp is the closest to following my path, she went to Red Rocks for a semester, then switched to massage therapy school, became a massage therapist, only to conclude she did not like it. Then she got her Pharm Tech Certificate, and then decided that what she wanted all along was med school---nobody is surprised, we were calling her Dr. Harper when she was five---and Loans Be Damned, she's going to do it. She is returning to RRCC to burn off her gen eds and get on track, because she's still too stubborn to just take out a loan and go to CU. I love how frugal she is, I know where she gets it, but it gets in the way of Doing What She Loves. Taking out loans counts as "Fuck The Rest".

  That's all, briefly. I just wanted to give a moment to my off center, side door beauties who are gonna do what they wanna do, but they're gonna do it their own way.

  I love them.


  I couldn't be more proud.

This Is Why I'm Like This: Driving in Denver in 2019

   I have never been cussed at as much as I have in the last year.
   This is not hyperbole, and it's a crappy first line, but Immma stick to it.
   The first line is why I, kryssi martin, steer clear of my neighborhood King Soopers.
   I do have a point here, one I wish I did not have to make.
   At the entrance of my neighborhood King Soopers, there is a four way stop. The stop guards the entrance to the grocery store on one side, McDonald's on the other. To go straight takes you to the ARC and eventually another exit. The entrance to the center is the fourth road. 
   I know the rules of a four way stop. I took a test to get my driver's license. Whoever arrives first goes first, then second, then third, then last, moving left. I also know the rules, because in the 1980's in Houston, there was a radio zoo show that featured "Lannie with Traffic and Bondage", who had a mantra "The lights are out at Almeda and San Jacinto, treat it as a four way stop ---Whoomp". He would then explain a four way stop, every so often, for those who are particularly stupid.
   Here is a handy tutorial I copped off of google in two seconds. See how easy the rules are to find?

   Never insist on taking the right-of-way. Note that the law does not allow anyone the right-of-way. It only states who must yield. When a driver is legally required to yield the right-of-way but fails to do so, other drivers are required to stop or yield as necessary for safety. So, if another driver does not yield to you when he or she should, forget it. Let the other driver go first. You will help prevent accidents and make driving more pleasant.

    Another handy site suggested you allow the more aggressive driver to go first to avoid accidents. This advice is only helpful when the aggressive driver is one waiting at a stop sign, not the one waiting behind you.
   The last few years, driving in Colorado has become unrecognizable. Road rage is up some ridiculous percentage, and people are passing on the right (dude, in Colorado that's a BIKE LANE). We had a guy pull a woman over who had a kid in her car and wave a gun at her because of some imagined driving infraction. They got him on video tape. Dude. I don't know your life, but maybe try decaf. 
   Lyft drivers are stopping after four hours, they can't take the intensity of what has happened. One driver said she was in tears just driving to Ft. Collins due to all the rage. Harp came home after two hours one night because she saw three accidents and a bicyclist run over. Not hit: run over. IN LAKEWOOD.
   My experiences have not, thus far, gone beyond yelling and flipping me off, which seems to be the preferred form of communication. I had a guy flip me off and speed around me because I was merging onto 6th ave from Simms two car lengths ahead of him. I guess he needed me to slow down so he could be where I was? It made no sense, I was no where near him when he went off.
    Meanwhile, at my neighborhood King Soopers' four way stop:
    A woman, in a mini van, was so horrible to me that I refuse to return to that intersection ever again.
    She was in a mini van.
    She was behind me, and I had arrived third. Arriving third at a four way stop means that two other cars go ahead of me. So I waited. 
   She was having none of it, and immediately began to wave her arms.
   I looked in my rear view mirror and indicated the first car moving through the intersection. As if, perhaps, she was blind and could not see the car.
  She flipped me off.
   I shook my head and indicated the second car moving through the intersection.
   Even with her windows closed, I could hear the vulgarities.
   Then she leaned on her horn.
   Unsure of what the proper response is to such road rage, I again looked in my rear view mirror, and in a tone reserved for five year olds I stated loudly: "Do you see our friends in the intersection? They got there first. They get to go first. We will wait for them patiently, our turn will come."
   She rolled down her window and hurled a name at me that I've never been called, in 16 years of teaching high school.
   This grown woman in her mini van unleashed all of her venom on me.
   By this time it was my turn, but I had missed it because I was trying to reason with a psycho. The third driver slowly made his way through, waving at me and shrugging, as he had a front row seat to the shit show and was glad it wasn't him.
   I drove through the stop, and did not turn into King Soopers as planned. I watched in my rear view mirror and noted that's where she was going. I just went forward and came home.
  The thing with Safeway is there is a four way stop as well, but it's not as crowded as King Soopers, and it's off of Alameda, and I come up the other way. In other words, I never need to use it. I can slide into Safeway from a reasonable entrance, and glide into a parking spot without ever encountering anyone who is crazy about four way stops.
  And so, all in all, to sum up. The fact that I worked at and quit King Soopers has nothing to do with my comfort level when shopping there. I won't return because I can't deal with that four way stop ever, ever again.
  Scene.

This Is Why I'm Like This: Pin Hole Gum Surgery, A Summary

 11 August 2019
  Four days ago, I had pin hole gum surgery. Here is the story thus far.
  Why
   For the last ten years my dentist has been suggesting that I consider gum surgery. My gums were receding at an alarming rate. I have great, healthy teeth and the gums that remained were healthy, they were just retreating up into my nasal passages, leaving the roots exposed. It did not bother me, cosmetically, until my left canine became exposed and black. Gross. The sensitivity was always there, but that's what Sensodyne toothpaste is for. Finally, at my appointment last year, she reacted pretty strongly to how much my teeth had moved. "Our teeth are going to move the older we get,usually they become more of an overbite. This," she indicated my now crooked front tooth "is not due to age." I mentioned that the front left tooth, next to the black rooted canine, could be felt moving. In fact, I could click it around with my tongue. She held her face as stoic dentists do, and said "You should probably look into gum surgery this year."

  What is it?
  I was actively avoiding gum surgery for as long as possible, ten years to be exact: Sensodyne, drinking coffee through a straw, getting a bite guard, etc. The idea of someone scraping the roof of my mouth and stitching it to my gum line was worse than the idea of just having all of my teeth punched out and replaced with implants. My sister in law had that type of gum surgery years ago and watching her go through it has never left my frontal lobe. There was also the cadaver option, grafting someone else's gums to mine. I already have someone else's MCL screwed to my knee, thanks, I'm over my quota. Then there were the synthetic materials. Again, stitching something to my existing gums, but this time it would be something man made. My reluctance was not to the material but to the stitching. I don't want anything stitched to my gums. After my last dental appointment, my moving teeth and the beginning of pain under my nose where my tooth was exposed, I started looking around online for an oral surgeon. My dentist had given me a referral to a periodontist, but they were insanely costly and involved stitching. I had sticker shock when I realized it was going to cost about $1500 A TOOTH, was considered to be "elective" by the insurance company and was $1500 a tooth. "Elective" and "cosmetic" are words the crappy dental coverage uses to tell you they aren't going to pay for it. Why would I think they would? They only cover 50% of a cavity fill. Is that elective? Oh How I Hate Insurance Companies...back to our story.
  I decided it was going to suck and I was going to have to work additional jobs, anyway, so I may as well find a dentist close to home. I google searched Lakewood, and found someone  very near home, Colorado Advanced Dentistry. I knew exactly where they were, a low lying doctor looking building from the 1970's. I got on their website and discovered that Dr. Snitzer does something called "pin hole gum surgery". Not having any idea what that meant, I read through the material on the website. Immediately I was intrigued: no stitching. No attaching something else to my gums at all, in fact. They just pull my gums down and reattach them with collagen. I looked up photos, and while it's not overwhelming, like taking years off of your age or pounds off of your thighs, it was impressive. People with recession worse than mine had their gums pulled back down to a normal looking gum line and they looked great. I held my breath as I looked for the cost. AH, if you have to ask you can't afford it, so I clicked off and tried to forget about it.
   A week later, my tooth was moving daily and I was starting to have slight pain. I reopened the website and called for a free consultation.

  The Dentist
  I met Dr. Snitzer, who by my gauge is 25 years old and too young to be a dentist. She wears false eyelashes and smiles a lot. Her equipment is advanced, her hygienists and office staff are kind and attentive. So is my regular dentist, I think it's a trend. They can't be rude because, unlike medical docs, not everything they do is covered by insurance, they need your business.
   Dr. Snitzer studied this procedure with the guy who invented it. I saw that on the website, but did not see that she also trains other dentists in the procedure. My hygienist told me that once a month she travels to teach this procedure. Wow. She's probably the best in Denver, eh? How'd I luck into that?

   The Cost
   In true medical fashion, nobody breathes a word of the cost until after the free consultation. I am ushered into a small office with a woman who immediately hands me a Care Card application. She tells me most insurance companies will only cover a portion of the surgery, and that the Care Card is your best bet for the remainder of the cost. I don't even know how much this is going to cost yet, but clearly it's going to be a lot. I finally ask. "$12,000 for the upper and lower," she says flatly.
   I apply for and receive the Care Credit card, which has a $9,000 limit. I figure I can work other jobs, Jim's getting a bonus in the fall, we can spread the rest on the other cards. I have all of this in place when it occurs to me the appointment I made was just for the upper. They don't like to do both at once. So I call the week before to get the cost. I am relieved to learn that just the upper will cost $5 grand, and the  insurance would cover $2.To add to the circus, I am on Jim's insurance and his company is changing to a different insurance on 1 August. My surgery is 7 August. The old insurance would cover about $2 thou, the new insurance is an unknown amount. At least I'm only on the hook for the $5 grand, not $12 grand. If I can't get this paid off, I won't get the bottom done. They're not causing me any pain or annoyance, anyway.

  The Surgery
   Since there is no stitching I don't know why they call it surgery. She used teeny tiny instruments to poke pin holes into my gums and pull them down. Once that was done, she anchored them with collagen. Everybody kept acting very casual about this whole thing, and telling me most people go back to work the next day, there is swelling but not pain, blah blah blah. I  got online and found a few posts about the surgery, and discovered that a few people have had some pain, that's it. A few others are disappointed that their gums didn't stay all the way down, that they healed higher than they were placed. Which makes complete sense, and which Dr. Snitzer told me would happen, which is why she over corrects.
   It took longer to numb me than it took to pin hole my gums down. And the numbing was the painful part.
   The whole thing is weird. You're awake. You can hear her scraping away. You can feel the pressure of her tugging on your gums.  The other hygienists all came to observe my surgery. According to the chatter, this was going really well and my gums were fabulous.The collagen has saline and tastes like salt. That's it. The entire thing took and hour and a half.
   The weirdest part is that when she was working on my canines, I thought I was going to sneeze. I did not, she was just working so high up that she was too close to my nasal cavity. I wasn't wrong, my gums were receeding into my nose.
   The rest is on me. Soft foods only for a week, then nothing crunchy or sticky for six weeks. No lifting my lip to show everyone my gums, let them heal. No brushing, eww, but I was gifted this lovely mouth wash. I had an appointment 24 hours after, and have one next week, then three weeks then another three weeks to make sure it's healing. I must use her as my dentist, as untrained hygienists can wreck  the work. I don't want that, thank you, I just paid $5 grand to have this done. I'll be paying this off for the rest of my life. The amount includes all follow ups, etc.
   They took pics on Thursday, and I was aghast. My gum line is really low (it will pop back to something more natural over the next few months) and straight. No exposed roots. Wow.
   Considering the trauma to my gums, they were right about no real pain. Some discomfort and swelling, but I've primarily slept. When I'm awake I take the antibiotic and drink beer. I have to wear the night guard 24/7, unless I'm eating, which causes pressure on that out of place tooth. But in the long run, maybe it'll move back as the gum heals and I won't need invisalign next year.
   I'm no longer Keto, as I have to eat soft foods and I'm not doing a week of mashed cauliflower, sorry. I was sad to let it go--I can't have meat, or broccoli, which have been my staples for a year---but welcomed mashed potatoes back with glee. I've lost three pounds, and I've done nothing but soft carbs and beer. Perhaps I've stumbled on a new diet craze!
   All in all to sum up: Pin Hole Gum Surgery is A Good Thing. It is expensive. Dental insurance sucks. Nothing had to be stitched and nobody scraped the roof of my mouth. Also: beer and mashed potatoes.
   Scene.